Yassin Untuk Sayang

We have been planning to have a Kenduri Arwah and Majlis Baca Yassin. So my sis-in-law suggested to have it on 1 March which coincide with "Hari Hol" (death anniverssary) for my mom-in-law as well. I was against it as my Sayang had mentioned to me before if we want to do it, it should not coincide because it 40 days lah, 100 days lah and what not. That's bidaah. But I agree to have the Majlis Baca Yassin not because of how many days she had passed away but rather just a majlis to sedekah the bacaan Yassin for her. That's all.

So I called Hj Bakri, the Imam of our surau, he suggested to have it on Thursday night this week as the jemaah they read yassin every Thursday after Magrhib prayers. Thus we decided to do it at the Surau as suggested by him. 1. It's easier and more jemaah will be there. 2. The Surau can fit it more people (and usually house can't accommodate big group) 3. the jemaah don't have to walk to our house. Hj Bakri also suggested to have packed food because it's easier and the jemaah can either eat there or take it home. Simple as that.

Ijah and Bi had made arrangement with Kak Limah for the packed food - nasi beriani & ayam beriani. Kak Limah throw in some kuih Koci as well. Uncle Joe (bro-out-law) bought bottle mineral water. I was told by Hj Bakri to prepare for 80 pax - 60 for men and 20 for women.

So last night was the night. We went there early about 7pm so that we can prepare the packed food. We ordered about 120 pax just in case. You never know who would come that night.

When people start to come for Magrhib prayers, I counted roughly that it can be more than 150 people. There were also about 15 children. Along and Angah also invited his friends to come. So there you go - another 20 came. One thing good about the boys is that, when you invite them to eat, they will usually come.

And roughly with about 7 rows (saf), each with 17 men in a row as I calculated, my first thinking was .... alamak makanan tak cukup ni. My concentration was a bit disturb because we had prepared the food less than the attendance.

Anyway, Hj Bakri headed the bacaan Yassin and he mentioned my Sayang's name. Actually I had included other Arwah's name as well and also I told Hj Bakri to read doa for those people who have health challenges. After the Bacaan Yassin, it was about time for the Isyak prayers and we continue to pray.

Immediately after the prayers, the kids especially, rushed for the packed food which was already arrange on a table. In no time the food had finished. I was speechless. What else can I do? I felt a bit awkward because some men didn't get the food. Luckily for the women, everyone got their share.

I went to Hj Bakri to apologise as there was not enough food for everybody. In fact I told him that I have ordered for 100 pax just in case if there are more people. Obviously there were more than that. Hj Bakri told me not to worry as there were case whereby there was more food than the people.

Alhamdulillah the majlis was over by 9.30pm. We got back home and my sis-bro-in-laws and out-laws adjourned to my house for us to eat. We then continue to have a meeting about another nephew's wedding - alamak ada wedding lagi.

Be Thankful With What We Are Now

I just got back from the visiting my sister-in-law (kakak ipar) and sister-out-law (biras) in Damansara Specialist Hospital. Amazing isn't it 2 people at the same time in the hospital.

Sis-in-law, Hindun was admitted last night due to her epilepsy. She was unconcious and my other sis-in-law took her to the hospital. Kesian dia. She was not well since a week ago and didn't attend my Birthday Hi Tea but I spoke to her later to thank her for the present she gave me. She wasn't her usual self when I spoke to her.

The other sis-out-law, Kak Illah has been hospitalised since her spine operation. She was ok when I saw her today but I didn't have the chance to speak to her much as another Datin friend of her, Datin Linda Laser was with her all the time. And I was not to keen to be around DLL.

Anyway, I left after about an hour with them. But that is not the topic I want to write. What I wanted to write was about my cousin's wife, Kak Ani, whom I met when I was about to leave the Hospital. I met them at the lobby.

She was with her sister, her daughter and another niece. Of course when I met them, being a nice 'lelaki melayu terakhir' I greeted and salam them. And after all the cliche, obviously I told them the reason why I was there. And I also asked them why they were there.

Her sister told me that Kak Ani had just meet Dr Kasmini. And as far as I know, Dr. Kasmini Kassim is a psychiatrist at that hospital. And I wonder why she went to see her. The reason was Kak Ani was in the state of depression after her husband died due to a motorcycle accident. Her husband is a cousin of mine, and they have a daugther age about 30.

No wonder when I saw Kak Ani, she was so frail, hagged and as if she didn't recognise me when I salam her. Now with the explanation from her sister, then only I understand. I really pity her.

What came into my mind was that she can't get away from the fact that she had lost someone she loved, her husband. Someone who would be around her for probably more than 30 years and suddenly he is gone.

I know it is very difficult to let go someone you love all you life and that you are now alone and can't do things together as you had done so before. Probably she can't control her emotion.

Then I relate her situation to mine. We had the same predicament. We lost the person that we love most. We were left to fend our self and to continue with our life.

Alhamdullilah I can go through it. Yes I still think of Ky. Yes Is till love her. Yes I do miss her. Yes and yes. But then again I always doa to Allah to show me the path to continue my life without her anymore. I had redha her passing and she had redha herself going peacefully.

I always think that there must be a reason for anything to happen. I strongly believe that Allah must have a very good reason for taking her away from me. For me, he has taken Ky away because he don't want her to suffer further. I believe that Ky too don't want to suffer as well and she did tell me once that she don't want to burden anybody especially me and the kids.

So thinking about it, Alhamdullilah I didn't had to go into depression state as what Kak Ani has gone through. And I don't have to see a psychiatrist. Probably I had already expected her passing after years of taking care of her. Probably Allah had answered my prayers to give me "ketenangan jiwa".

So seeing Kak Ani today, I thank Allah for giving me what I am today.

Something to think about

After Ky's passing, I had to consolidate all her accounts: closing some and still maintain some. It's so cumbersome when she has few accounts here and there. But when she passed away and me not knowing where are all her accounts are. I have some regret over it. Why? Ist I don't know her account nos. 2nd. I don't know her ATM's password. 3rd the heck I don't know her internet banking ID and password as well. Tak ke mengelabah di buat nya. Itu tak termasuk account dia dipelbagai bank lagi tu: Maybank, CIMB Bank and Public Bank.

Luckily I got to trace all her accounts from the statements mailed by the banks and luckily she filed some of bank the statement in a file. So I got to sort out one by one.

For CIMB Bank, she got a few accounts from couple of branches. We had one joint accounts- that's fine. She got 3 other in-trust accounts for my 3 children because they don't hold an IC yet when they open this accounts. Then she has another personal current account from a different branch.

There's another joint current account in Public Bank and maybe another personal account in Maybank. Now the problems come in when I want to get the money out.

Luckily for me, for her CIMB personal account, I could withdraw all her money out because it's less than RM10,000 but I have to sign off an indemnity letter. That's fine with me. The rest of the in-trust account, I will deal with that later.

But for Public Bank, if the bank knows that she has passed away, they will automatically block the account - even though it's a joint account whereby anyone of us could sign. Itu yang menyusahkan tu. Fed up betul. Add salt to the wound, I don't know the the internet ID and password because all this while she has been operating the account alone. Tu lah padah nya kalau taknak ambil tau langsung.

Ky had also invested some money in the Unit Trust. Luckily for me, we signed off as a joint account as well. I therefore redeem them. But problem is where do I bank in the cheque into because the cheque is under her name. Aduih pening -pening. If I were to bank into the Public Bank account, I'm not so sure I can withdraw and I'm taking some risk if the bank finds out. Habis macamana?

Dulu masa Ky masih ada, we have discussed about this. I told her to list down all her account and all her password. Entah lah...cakap dah banyak kali but we didn't really sit down and do it. So bila dah macam gini, ha pandai-pandai lah settle kan masaalah hidup. Itu belum lagi credit card and all the bills yang kena settlekan.

So for those of you who are reading this, there some word of advice. This is based on my experience.

1. Open a joint account with somebody you trust so that if you are not around, he/she can operate for you. It can be your spouse or your siblings or you children. At least they know what are the accounts.
   
2. List down all the details of your accounts i.e which Bank, Branch, account type and account numbers.
3. List your ATM password with someone you trust.
4. If you have internet banking, list down the ID and password as well.
5. Don't open to many accounts. Keep to one or two accounts only.
6. If you have Tabung Haji account, it's best that you have a "Penama" or nominee just in case if something happens.
7. If you have Units Trust Accounts, it good to have a joint name as well. It helps when you need the money.
8. The same goes for EPF/KWSP. Take some effort to submit the form whereby you specifically put your nominees name.
9. If you have insurance, let someone you trust knows where is the policy so that he/she can claim for you.
10. If you have some landed properties, list them down as well. It's also good if you have MRTA over your loans because if you die, it will be fully paid by the insurance company. You don't want to burden the people you left behind.
    

So now do it something before it's too late. By the way, if the balance is less than RM20.00 don't waste your time hassling to the bank the get the money. It's not worth your time.

Cancer Recurrence

I was looking for something the other day when I found this print out of articles on Cancer. In fact I was the one who printed them for Ky to read. Specifically it's about Cancer Recurrence. I remember that I google about cancer when Ky had recurrence about one year plus ago. So I taught it might be a good use for Ky and me to read because both of us believe that the more information we know about cancer, the more we can get prepare for it.

When I read the article again, I realized that what the writer had written in his article is very similar what Ky had gone through. And I very glad that I had given these useful information to Ky because I believe that she is more prepared for it and had made certain decision by reading it.

One of the topic was : Should I stop life-prolonging treatment? He gave some example of people's personal story and their decision whether to prolong the treatment.

In one section there is a topic on :Pain Management - What is Cancer Pain? How cancer pain is treated? When I read that I realized that Ky had experience the same thing. I remember how the Hospis nurse had given Ky the same treatment like what the article mentioned. The morphine and other pain killer were given to her just to make her more comfortable.

I guess after she read this article, Ky had decided to have a quality life rather than to prolong the treatment. Maybe she knows that the chances of her being treated is very slim especially when the cancer cells had invaded her liver. So rather than going thru' the pain of chemotherapy again, she had chosen to prepare herself to meet the Mighty Allah. And Insyaallah she had prepared herself very well.

Project Potted Flowers

As I had promised myself, I wanted to plant the potted chrysanthemums at Ky's resting place. So early in the morning about 8.30 am I went there alone. I wanted the kids to come along but as usual weekends are for them to sleep in. So I don't want to disturb their sleep.

By the time I arrive the grave yard, there were about 4 cars and a couple of motorbikes there already. Most of them are family members reading Yassin or prayers for their loves ones.

As for me, I am armed with a small spade to dig some earth and 2 bottles of water to water the flowers. Since it's just some digging up to do, I did it in a jiffy. The flowers look fresh in the early morning.

While I was doing this, a man came to visit a grave next to Ky but on the other side of the lane which divides them. I nodded to him as a gesture to say Hi. All the while when I digging the hole and weeding, I was reciting Al Fatihah for Ky. So I couldn't I say Salam or talk to him.

When there was a chance, we talk to each other. I got to know that she is visit her wife's resting place. We chatted further and I also got to know that her wife passed away about a year ago due to liver cancer. Oh there's something common between us. Her wife died due to liver at age of 50 and Ky died of similar cause at age of 47.

I left the grave yard past 9.00 am and went to a mamak stall to buy roti canai for breakfast for the kids.

A bouquet for my love one

I have been wanting to buy some flowers to put in Ky's resting place for sometimes now. The last time I bought some flowers and placed in a plastic bottle didn't last long. The most was slightly more than a week.

I bought 8 stalks of chrysanthemum near the Batu Caves Temple (hey that's the nearest florist that I can get to) cost me RM12.00.

So I thought why not I buy a potted flower and it will last longer and probably cheaper as well.

The last few weeks I was so busy that I don't have the time to search for it in Sungai Buloh. And I have dragging about it until today.

I told my self that if not today, I will never have the time to go to Sg. Buloh. So this afternoon, I drove alone to Sg. Buloh to look for it. I wanted to get Mimi to tag along but she prefers to stay at home.

The trip to Sg. Buloh took about 20 mins. and since I have been there few times before I didn't find difficulty to find the place.

There were rows of nursery selling all kinds of flowers but my first aim was to get either chrysanthemum or other roses.

But looking at the various kinds of flowers, I got over excited and bought not only chrysanthemum but 5 other kinds which I didn't know the name including a type of fern.

Now why did I buy more than what I'm supposed to buy? The answer is very simple. It's damn cheap and looks good to me. All the potted flowers I bought for RM5.00 each. And the smaller ones was 4 for RM10.00.

Somehow or rather I was attracted to the purple flower. Well I don't know the names but it looks like lavender to me. But who cares. It looks good to me.

Then later I saw these white and red flower which were also sold 4 for RM10.00. So without hesitation I bought 4 of those.

Of course not forgetting the dirt and rectangular pot for me to transfer those flowers into.

They all look good to me and I'm very satisfied with my choice.. chewah! I don't know how long will these flowers last but I don't care as long as it look good to me, that's all matter.

I hope you guys like it too. My next project is to plant one of the chrysanthemum at Ky's resting place tomorrow.

Those were the school days

I was reading my email while listening to the music. Then this song by Santana and Mana came out. Wah dah lama tak dengar Santana main his guitar. Santana was one of my favourite guitarist. Ya lah I was raised up during that music era. The era of Santana, Beatles, Scorpion, Deep Purple and many more.

In fact I remember when I was in SMS Selangor was back in 1972 till 1977, every time there is a school concert, our band boys will play the Santana songs. Besides that other favourite song that were played include Black Magic Women, Soldiers of Fortune, Hotel California, etc.

I clearly remember hanging around in the room where the band boys practicing these songs - since I don't play anything, so lepaking with them lah. I also remembered where the boys taught the girls to rehearse playing the guitar and the drum as well. That was the first Girls band ever in that school. Sekarang semua dah jadi makcik-makcik dah. Imagine the makcik-makcik plays guitars and drum???

School days are always the best era in someones life. Growing up living in hostel brings lots of memories. My blogger's friend BroLans will agree with me on that. Banyak kisah-kisah zaman silam terlipat dalam sejarah kehidupan masing-masing. It's a memorable part of my life.

Tak habis habis Surprise

Kak Chik called me on Thursday. "Mie, awak hari minggu ni free tak? Kalau free boleh datang bawak Mimi kat sini. Kak Chik nak introducekan awak dengan fasilitator yang ajar Mimi itu hari". "Sorry lah Kak Chik, Ahad ni tak boleh. Kami ada seminar. Habis pukul 3.00 ptg. Lepas tu kami nak pergi Kota Damansara sebab Bi ajak Hi tea kat sana." My unfortunate answer to her. "Takpa lah. Next week jer lah". Replied Kak Chik.

Later after lunch, Zalma pulak call. "Mie, kau balik pukul berapa malam ni?" I said "Sebelum Maghrib aku sampai rumah lah. Pehal? She continued "Taha suruh kau datang rumah lepas Maghrib ni nak suruh kau sign form apa entah." I willingly replied, "Ok lah lepas Maghrib nanti aku pergi lah rumah kau nanti."

That was it. I didn't thought of anything but to follow what my little sister requested me to do.

Meanwhile before reaching home after work, Mimi called. "Ayah kat mana ni? Tadi Cik Ama call Mimi. Dia suruh ayah datang rumah dia tak?" "A'ah dia call. Nanti lepas Maghrib Ayah pergi lah nanti." I answered. "Mimi nak ikut tau yah!." She insisted to go. "Ok lah. mandi dulu dan sembahyang dulu. Kalau tak, jangan ikut ok.!" My answer to her request.

So after Maghrib, me and I walk to Zalma's house which was less than 100m away. Acik suddenly wanted to tag along. So when we arrived, her door was locked and the car porch light we off.

Assalamulaikum. Assalamulaikum. When the door open, suddenly....Surprise! Surprise.! Terkejut beruk kejap chek tau. When the light was on, there were already many people there.
Kak Chik, Abang and Kak Son, Kakak and Kak Lang was there. Abang Teh and Hapipah was there as well smiling and laughing. Of course Zalma, Taha and the kids were there. Didi and Zura was too clicking pictures of my "surprise face". Later Abang Zali and my other 2 elder boys join in.

"Lah aku ingat apa. Nasib baik aku balik awal tadi. Kalau aku balik lambat pukul 11.00 malam, hah tunggu lah korang semua" I told out loud. Everybody was laughing then. Apa tak nyer, luckily I didn't have any appointment that night. Kalau tidak, ha sampai malam lah dia orang tunggu nak surprise kan gua..

Anyway we had a short doa selamat. And of course something to eat. Since it was a working day, so food was only KFC, roti canai, satay, and few other fast food stuff to eat. It was great anyway. Most important it was the thought that count.

Anyway we did have a good time together. I never thought my siblings would do this to me as they had never done a surprise birthday do for me before. Never. But out of sudden, they thought something that would really cheer me up. Yes they did - mission accomplished.

Of course, we did snapped some photos. Unfortunately I didn't bring my camera. Eh mana nak tau kan sebab this is a surprise do kan.

Luckily some of them took some pics and my bro-in-law put up in the Picasaweb. Unfortunately it came out all small pics - I don't really know how to make it bigger. Something I've got to learn. Ya lah.. dah tua-tua ni malas nak belajar about this IT thinggy.


After all the surprises and kecut perut was over, then I asked Zalma. "Ha, Zal. Mana form yang Taha nak aku sign tu. Meh bagi kat aku cepat." That's gave another roar of laughters. hehehe...

Anyway my hearfelt thank you to you all who still remember my birthday and actually went all out to cheer up my life.

Green Apple Clock

I think Mimi got this from her Mak. Like her Mak, she always wanted to buy me birthday present or makes birthday surprises.

After she planned for the surprise birthday cake on 13 February's nite, she still insist to buy me a present although I told her "tak payah lah Mimi. birthday cake ni pun cukup". But she loves to give people surprises!!!

But knowing her (just like her Mom), when she wants something, no matter what she will try to get it. Guess what? She went to Giant with Along and bought me a Green Apple Clock priced RM5.00 at Hinode i.e. the kedai RM5.00.

Now only I remember! No wonder she insisted from me a RM5.00 to go to pasar malam. And that's is why she asked Acik where is the Hinode's membership card was. Rupa-rupa nya, she use my money and the membership car to purchase a RM5.00 Green Apple Clock.




Whatever it is, I love this Green Apple Clock. In fact, I asked her permission to take this clock to my office so that I can place on my working table. Thus I can look at it every working day.

I just love Mimi for that. She is thoughtful like her Mak. Loves making surprises. Tapi besok dah besar-besar, jangan buat surprises yang bukan-bukan dah lah ya sayang.

Lots of Surprises

What is LOVING means to you? To me it simply mean that someone is caring for you. Someone do have some concern on your well being. Someone want to know whethere you are still ok. Someone still wants you to be part of their life.

And that's what I got from my family from both sides i.e my sisters and brothers and also from my sisters & brothers in law and also out-laws. Both sides of my family did a small birthday party cum gathering for me. But this time I will write about the one that my in-laws and out-laws have organised last Sunday at the "NUTMEG Cafe" in Kota Damansara.


My eldest sister-in-law, Hajjah Fatimah, fondly known as "Bi" was the main orgainser. By the way, she is always our Organiser of many events and she loves doing it. She was assisted by another sis-in-law, Ijah.


Initially they wanted to have the event on Wednesday night for dinner but since I was busy and the kids were schooling, then we have to reschedule it. And in fact that weekend I was busy with my Weekend Leadership Seminar as well. Thus the most convinient time was Hi Tea on Sunday afternoon.


Nutmeg Cafe is a cosy cafe at Kota Damansara where some of my in-laws have frequent it. However it usually closed on Sunday. But they made a special arrangement to fit us there on Sunday. Thanks to the Tan family was being so considerate to open up the cafe for us. And that a plus for them. They know how to serve their customers.


I really appreciate the attendance of my in-laws, out-laws and my nieces and nephew. Liza, Dennis, Jordan and Shasha are from Melbourne and Redha from London. They were here because their mom (Kak Illah) had an operation recently. And of course Joey & Nina from Melaka.


All of my four kids were there with me. However some couldn't attend due to prior commitment.


As usual Bi gave some speech. To make things more hillarious, she accidently told me to cut the "Wedding Cake". What? A wedding cake??? Is there any indication or what? You know lah, I'm now single!!!


The chocolate birthday cake is so good. Full chocolate topping with moist chocolate cake inside. Fresh fruit on the outside decoration.

I had Penang Curry Laksa which was quite good. Others ordered Char Kuey Teow, Fried Chickens, and some other kinds of noodles.



We enjoyed our Hi Tea but by 6.45pm we have to make our way back home.

To all my sister and brothers in-law and out-law, I wish to thank you from deep in my heart. I was touch by your effort to make my birthday a day to remember. And also for the birthday presents that each of them gave me.

And to Hindun who couldn't make it because she had viral fever, thanks for the present and take care. Hope you get well soon.

Surprise ... Surprise

I was so busy yesterday that I couldn't blog much. Dari pagi sampai lah ke petang tak sempat nak relax sikit. Meeting lah, presentation lah...

Wednesday 13 February 2007

Mimi called me using her Mak's handphone. "Ayah bila nak balik ni? Cepat lah sikit". I answered back; "eh.. kan Ayah cakap malam ni Ayah ada Business Preview. Ayah balik pukul 11.00 malam tau. Awak jangan tunggu ayah. Awak tidur dulu ok". That's was at 7.00 pm.

At about 10.30 pm, Acik pulak call. "Ayah bila nak balik ni?" Me without thinking, I said; " Mengapa? Awak takut tidur sorang ya? Awak ajak lah Mimi tidur dulu kalau awak takut tidur sorang."

Then at 10.45 pm, another call from home. "Ayah, ayah kat mana ni ayah?" Acik again called. " Ayah tengah driving nak balik ni lah! Awak tidur lah dulu." I answered. "Cepat lah sikit Yah!"

Again about 11.00 pm, Mimi called again. "Ayah kat mana ni Yah?" "Ayah dah sampai Giant ni. Kejap lagi buka gate untuk Ayah ok."

I was so ignorant and didn't expect anything. All I think was Acik and Mimi is waiting for me so that I can accompany them to sleep as usual. Until I got into the house....

"SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to Ayah! Happy Birthday to you!......... and Mimi presented me a chocolate birthday cake with 5 litted candles.

I was really caught off guard. That was the last thing I can think of. My kids planned a surprise birthday. I was really touched with their gesture. Mimi was the one who got so excited about it.

"Ayah surprise tak yah!" Mimi asked me. "Mesti lah Ayah surprise. Patut lah awak call ayah banyak kali. Ayah ingat kan awak takut nak tidur sorang-sorang. Anyway thank you semua anak-anak ayah". I answered with a bit of tears of happiness in my eyes. Terharu beb.. anak-anak buat surprise party.

I immediately asked Along to get the camera and get Bibik to snap our pics. Nanti I post it here later.

I was really touched that my kids took the trouble to buy a birthday cake for me. Mimi said that she gave Along RM10.00 to buy the cake but Along bagi RM6 saja. Hot adik dia. But to me it's not about the cake. It's about my kids took the trouble to give a me a surprise. It's about them still remember my birthday. It's about caring. It's about love. And it's about everything being a father.

I love my kids. Thank you kiddo.

As Time Goes By - add another year to the age.

How do you feel when it's your birthday today? I have a mixed feeling. Yes today I'm 48 years old.

Some people wish me luck and some people wish me long live. My niece Emma from Holland said that I've got 2 more years before turning 50 and I've 2 more years to enjoy. Hey .. hey .. as if after 50 I got no more life to live.

Well some says it's just a number. Yeah when you are 25 you can say that. But when your age is double than them, then it makes you think. Alamak I'm so old huh!

Some says that it is what in your mind? If you think you are young, then you'll be young. If you think you are old, then you'll be old. I tried that. I was always thinking that I'm still young. But then again, when I had in many occasion having joint pain (where most old people do), I think am I that young?

My hair is almost all white - so who can I convince that I'm still young. But I always joke with them, "I'm not old, I just dyed my hair white!". That's gave a few sarcastic smile to some people.

With my kids growing up in sizes and in height, doesn't that me feel that I'm older. Along for instance, is much taller than me now. Angah's size is as big as I am or if not bigger. Except for Acik (bila lah nak tinggi Acik ni - dia belum mimpi lagi kot!!), Mimi had grown as tall as Acik now. And in no time, she'll gets her period. So what that signifies???

Yeah 48 is a good number. But when you are now single (cewah tengah single lagi), probably your market value is not as high as when you were 25! Yeah you might said that "age is like wine. the more older it gets, the better you'll be". But then again I don't take wine. Doesn't wine taste sour. So I don't want to taste sour when I get older. Cheh!

When you gets above 45, you don't want people to remind you, do you? Yeah people wishes you all the best lah, good health lah, may God bless you lah, many happy returns lah, etc. But actually why? Because when you age digit is changing faster than the speed of light, you need to have all that. You need all the luck you can, you need a better health when you walk slower than before and sexually you need many more happy returns hehehee.

Well I'll always think like this.. take one thing at a time. Take one day at a time.

I've read somewhere a joke when can you signifies that you are getting older:

1. when you find out that you have lesser hair on your head but more hair on your back and in your ears.
2. when you heart want to have sex but you organ can't do that hehehee.
3. when it takes more time for you to climb the stairs than you usually do (and it's the same stairs) and you are gasping for more oxygen.
   
4. when the sales girl at the counter address you as "Pakcik" instead of Abang. oh I miss that already. worst still they call you "Atok". that kills man.
5. when suddenly your nieces and nephews who got married and have many childrens and they call you "Atok".
6. when you drive slower than the traffic flow and worst still they honk you for being slow.
7. you in a company of old people and suddenly you talk like them already. and you having so much fun with them. alamak.
   
8. your kids try to go to the shopping mall on their own instead of you accompanying them.
   
9. your kids talks language that you don't understand. and it's the same malay language that you speak. and they make fun of you as well. aduih!
   

I think there are more but then again I don't want to feel old. I feel like I'm 25 macam dulu dulu lagi. Lagi pun saham kena lah jaga sebab masih single kan cheh!

Kak Illah in surgery

Ijah (my sis-in-law) called me on Sunday informing that Kak Illah (my sis-out-law) was hospitalised. Her muscle has collapsed and she was taken to Damansara Specialist Hospital by an ambulance. I was a bit jitter when I heard it. I really kesian Kak Illah. She already had cancer and was in and out of hospital due some complication.

Recently she went to South Africa with Abg Ad and some of their Datuk & Datin friends. I called her before she left for the night flight.

"Kak Illah ok ke nak pergi ni." I asked. I was also worried knowing her condition was not too good a couple of weeks ago. And now she wants to join some friends to a place where the plane ride is for hours and hours.

"Doktor dah kata ok dah. Sebab tu Kak Illah boleh pergi. Lagi pun Abang Ad dah plan lama trip ni." She answer but that doesn't sound very convincing to me.

Anyway I asked whether she got a letter from doctors as she will be taking lots of drugs as her medication and I jokingly told her that she don't want to be confisticated for bringing in drugs. It's true right? And since she has a chemo port planted in her body, she must make sure that the airport security over there don't stop her if the alarm triggered off.

"Takpe lah Kak Illah, I doakan you all selamat semua nya". What else can I say.

Thereon, I heard she had a slight injury when the jeep she was on got into a pothole and thus she was flew up and down in the jeep. That's causes her spine to be affected. I heard she couldn't walk after that. What a pity. In fact, she was on wheel chair after thereon.

Lynn (her eldest daughter) told me that Kak Illah had been feeling the pain and last Sunday morning she didn't feel anything from waist down. Could she be paralysed. Hope not. Kesian dia.

So yesterday when I went to the hospital, I was told that she had a surgery at 11.00 pm till 3.00 am. In the morning, when she woke up, she can now wiggle her feet. I was also told that the chances of the operation is either 0% or 100%.

I managed to see her about 5 minutes in the ICU. Puan Sri Norzilah and Abg Ad was already there. Sebak jugak bila tengok dia tapi kena control lah sikit. Sedih sebab she in the hospital bed and tengah mengalami dugaan Allah.

This afternoon Abg Ad sms us saying that Kak Illah is feeling better and the doctor is happy with her progress. Alhamdullilah. Syukur Alhamdullilah.

I'm actually worried of loosing another person in my life. Just a month ago, my beloved one left us permanently. So when I heard of this, it give me a jitter. Hope she'll recover fast and get back to normal life again.

Something inside me is lonely

It was 5.30 pm. I was alone at home. Mimi is with Kak Chik and Abg Zali in Bentong. My 3 other heroes Acik, Angah and Along are at the padang nearby playing either football or volleyball. Bibik had taken this weekend off and she left in the afternoon. So I was left alone at home.

Had enough of watching the TV. No much program that really interest me. The clock were ticking real slow as if the time is going to stop.

I suddenly felt so lonely inside me. I felt like something really missing and it's very difficult to explain.

Last time when the kids were gone somewhere, I was left alone with someone who will be with me. At least there is someone I could talk to. Or someone who could watch the TV with me. Or someone who could challenge my thinking if there was something that we disagree on. Or someone who just don't do anything but sit beside me. Or someone sleeping upstairs while I'm down there alone watching the TV. Hey there someone.

But now there is no one that cares about me. I mean someone that will be there rain or shine. Someone who advise you if she felt something not going right with you. Or she'll just hang around the children irregardless you are there or not. Now she is no more there to be around.

So after Asar prayers at 6.00pm I decided to take a drive to the resting place of my beloved one, which is less a minute drive from my house. I went alone as no one else is around to go with me.

Not many people were at the graveyard. Only a few people here and there visiting the resting place of their love ones.

After giving my salam to my love one. I just sat there reciting Al Fatiha as much as I can for her.

The sun was kind and nice to me. And so was the wind. The continued breeze gave me some comfort and kept me there for a good 20 minutes.

I think my heart speak up for me at the grave. I don't want to be seen like talking alone at the grave. People might think that I'm going crazy talking alone, especially when there was a family reciting Yassin at the next grave nearby.

Maybe I got to get use to be alone now. Maybe I need to indulge myself with other things so that my mind don't wonders elsewhere. Or maybe I need somebody to talk to. Or is it a phase in my life before I'm getting use to this loneliness. Now I've got to battle it myself. I know I'm strong. I will be strong for my own life and the kids.

Hari Raya 2005

Anyway, while I was writing this blog, this song by Elton John came out and it seems like it just jive with this topic now. Happy reading and happy listening.

YOUR SONG - ELTON JOHN

Its a little bit funny this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money but boy if I did
Id buy a big house where we both could live

If I was a sculptor, but then again, no
Or a man who makes potions in a traveling show
I know its not much but its the best I can do
My gift is my song and this ones for you

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that its done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss
Well a few of the verses well they've got me quite cross
But the suns been quite kind while I wrote this song
Its for people like you that keep it turned on

So excuse me forgetting but these things I do
You see Ive forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes Ive ever seen

Mimi nak Mak!!!!

Mimi & and her late Mak - Hari Raya 2005

Imagine this. You are sitting on a nice comfortable sofa watching your TV program. You just had some nice breakfast. The sliding door and the main door was open and it was windy and the wind blew nicely inside the house and that gave you more comfort not to move anywhere but lie down in the comfort of cushy sofa in front of the TV.

Then suddenly you heard you daughter calling you, "Ayah, tolong lah Mimi cepat." That was Mimi calling me to get my help to get all her clothing and bag ready. She wanted to follow my sister, Kak Chik or whom she called Mummy, to Bentong for a 2 nights stay with them. Her husband, Abg Zali had a Rotarian seminar there and Kak Chik offered to take her there. It's ok with me if Mimi herself wants to go with them. At least she won't be bored at home during this long CNY holidays.

I have asked her to get prepared the night earlier. But as usual she is the type delay daily type and when I want to help her she won't be interested. Instead she would tell me.. Kejap lah Ayah. Nanti dulu Ayah... and so on.

Every morning when I wake up her up for school, she would always asked for another 5 mins. of sleep... showing her 5 fingers with eyes closed. Again after 5 mins when I wake her up again, she would show her 3 figures now, i.e meaning she need 3 more mins. And after the 3 mins, she will show her one finger asking for 1 more minute. Tak ke fed-up tu.

So konon-konon nya I want to teach her a lesson today because it's so sickening to get her waking up early in the morning and me waiting for her every day.

So when she asked for my help today, I just showed her my 5 fingers with my eyes closed, meaning I need 5 minutes. When she asked again, I showed her my 3 fingers with my eyes closed as well. She started to get irritated by now. After few minutes, she asked me again. "Ayah cepat lah Ayah. Susun lah baju Mimi. Mana beg Mimi?. I calmly showed my 1 minute sign. And this is where her breaking point is.

She cried and screamed "Mimi nak Emak! Huhuhuuuuu...Mimi nak Mak!!! huhuhuuuu...Mimi nak Mak! She cried out so loud that even Bibik outside the kitchen had heard her. She rolled and rolled over on the carpet screaming for her mother.

And that's where my soft spot is. When I heard she wants her Mak back.. I felt so pity and my caring for her suddenly upsurge to the maximum level. Kesian anak aku sorang ni.

"Ok, ok jom Ayah carik kan baju awak. Jangan nak nangis lagi." With her teary eyes she then followed me upstairs and me ready to pack her things for her.

It has just been a month and Mimi wanted her Mak back. Aduihhhh.. macam mana lah ni?

Kaya vs Miskin

I met Kak Yati, an acquaintance at Fathiah's house the other day. We didn't meet and had the chance to chat since Ky's passing. So once we got the chance she asked me about my kids as she is so concern about them i.e. about my children losing their mother at very young age. I told her that the kids are ok and so am I.

And we were talking about so many people came to see Ky when she was sick and even after her passing. What really triggered my mind when she said that "Ky kaya masa nak pergi". I didn't catch what she meant. Then she explain in detail. She mentioned that when Ky passed away, so many people were at the surau and "sembahyang jenazah" for her. And that was Kak Yati's first time ever sembahyang jenazah. Eventhough she had never done it before, she just followed the rest of the jemaah as she was told.

She observed Ky's face was so calm and sweet and also kissed her as well. Very unusual for someone who is just an acquaintance but to kiss a jenazah.

She continued that a friend of hers, a Chinese mualaf also died of cancer but not even her estranged husband knows and care about her death. Only few people attended the funeral.

And that was Kak Yati's observation and interpretation of "Kaya and Miskin". And now I understood what she meant.

I continued saying that maybe Ky has prepared herself to meet the Creator. I told her that during the Ramadan month she never failed to go to Sembahyang Terawih . And even without me (for 2 weeks when I had a minor operation), she would get my son to go to the Surau with her. Besides that at most night, she would wake up and do her Sembahyang Tahjud. Sembahyang Taubat, etc. I remember she telling me that she had Khatam Quran during the fasting month. Alhamdulillah she managed to do that despite her illness.

I told Kak Yati that mungkin rezeki Ky yang dia pergi tanpa banyak menyusahkan orang. She was practically bed ridden for only one week and not for months like some other people. And on top of that all my kids and I was with her when she passed away. Even all her sisters was there witnessing her last breath. But to me, the most important thing was that she recite "Allah...Allah...Allah...." until her very last breath. I know she died as true Muslim and only Allah will bestow what is best for a person like her. Al Fatihah for Ky.

My Life Have To Go On

Friday

I was on the way back home from work and suddenly thought of visiting my beloved one at her resting place. Called up Mimi before reaching home and prompting her to get ready to visit her mom.

Just as I got home, Mimi was ready in her tudung and bottle of "air Yassin" and got into the car. It was 6.45 pm, the weather was cloudy and just nice for us to spend 10 good minutes at the grave. Ky ada wasiat. Dia taknak orang baca Yassin atau Tahlil kat kubur dia. So we just sedekah Al Fathihah for her.

Had a short stop at the Pasar Malam before heading home. Mimi did mentioned that Ika (her cousin) told her that another cousin (Kak Fifi) wanted to take them for a movie on Saturday and sleep over at my sister's house in Kg Tunku. I have no objection to that as long as she can spent sometimes with other girls.

Saturday

As usual, my day start with doing some marketing for the week at Selayang market. Ikan dan sayur dah habis so it's about time to replenish the stock in the kitchen especially with the upcoming Chinese New Year - lagi kedai & pasar tak ramai orang berniaga.

Today there's also a wedding invitation by my cousin - her daughter is getting married. Since she had called me personally, I couldn't say no and it's best that I attend the wedding.

So with no spouse as yet, I called my sister to go along with me. After all, her husband is working this Saturday in Bangi and her children followed Fifi for a movie and they'll sleep over there. I got Achik & Along to go along with me. Angah, as usual malas nak pergi Kenduri kahwin ni.

So we got our way to somewhere in Bandar Sg Long. Luckily there was a map to direct us there. Kalau tidak sesat barat jugak especially with the new roads and highways.

Met my aunties and cousins. Of course the first thing they would ask "Awak apa khabar? Anak2 macamana?" And some of them were dissapointed not knowing of Ky's passing, and they got to know only a few days or a week later. My standard answer is "Ma'af lah, tak sempat nak bagi tau. Lagi pun tengah kelam kabut hari tu". Dalam hati aku, lah... kalau aku beritau pun, korang datang ke???? Anyway I'm not a cruel or rude person ok.

On the way home, we decided to drop by at the General Hospital to visit Kak Ngah, who had an operation - taking out the metal rod at her hip joint as it is now becoming infection. Kesian dia. She told me that she has to be in the hospital for 6 weeks to recover.

Malam Saturday, I decided to take my boys (Mimi is with her cousin) to Alpha Angle. Angah wants to buy a new pair of badminton shoes. He is now into Badminton and hoping that he is selected for the school team. So it was the men night out. They boys wanted McDonald and I let them have what they wanted to eat. Yeah men's night out at McDonald.... how adults are we?

Sunday

As usual waited for the chinaman to send newspaper. He was slightly late than usual due to the early morning rain. Acik wanted to photocopy his school book and I took him to a stationery shop. Bought plastic cover for him and Mimi for their school text book. Their teachers had advised them to cover these "buku pinjaman".

By 11.30am, I headed for Shah Alam at Zul & Fathiah's house for some Vietnamese friends farewell party. Many were there. Met Diana, who requested me to compile Ky's pictures for a tribute for her during a Ladies Meeting coming up this middle of the month. Roshni was there too. Officially the party ends by 3pm but was there till 6pm catching times with the rest of the friends.

Arrive home slightly after 7pm. Mimi only got back after Maghrib. Get her homework done before call the day off.

Well I think I'm coming back to my normal daily life. Things have been coming back to me slowly but surely. My Life have to go on despite someone missing from my life.

Kesian Mimi

Mimi called me on my handphone about 12.30pm today, crying profusely..... My initial reaction was "Mengapa Mimi.. mengapa ni? Mengapa Mimi nangis ni?

"Along dan Angah dah habiskan 100 Plus Mimi." What a relief. I thought something real bad had happen to my only daughter. Apa tak nya, I ingat dia kena apa tah sampai dia meraung atau tengah kesakitan. It was about the 100 Plus that she asked Along to buy for her yesterday. Because she was purging with stomach upset the last 2 days, the doctor advised her to drink 100 Plus without the gas. But yesterday I forgot to buy her one. Later in the afternoon yesterday she reminded me about it and I told her to get Along buy one for using her money.

So bila dia balik sekolah tengahari tadi dan tengok 100 plus dia dah habis, melalak lah dia.

"Takpe, takpe, nanti on the way back nanti Ayah belikan Mimi 100 Plus botol besar ok. Mimi jangan nangis lagi. Nanti Mimi siap pergi sekolah Agama pulak ok" I tried to coherced her to cool down and bribe her with a Big bottle of 100 Plus. "Nanti Ayah marah dia orang ok."

Terdetik dan sedih jugak hati ni sebab Mimi dah takde tempat hendak mengadu lagi. Maknya dah takde. Abang-abang dia pulak kadang-kadang suka bully dia - bukan nak jaga dia. Dulu masa mak dia ada, mak dia boleh jugak protect Mimi dari abang-abangnya. Abang-abang dia bukan lah jahat sangat, tapi kadang-kadang nakal jugak. Ia lah nama pun adik beradik kan. Mesti lah ada gurau senda dan kadang-kadang gaduh sikit-sikit.

Tapi hari ni, hati ku rasa lain sikit. Nak nangis pun pun ada sebab mengenangkan anak gadis cilik sorang ni yang dah takde tempat mengadu. Dulu ada juga mak kat rumah tempat mengadu apa-apa hal. Pasal sekolah ke, pasal kawan-kawan dia ke atau pasal apa-apa yang dia nak cakap. Especially kalau semua abang dia keluar petang pergi padang bola, dia tinggal lah sorang-sorang.

Pernah satu hari dulu dia tanya: "Ayah, Mimi susah lah sekarang". So i tanya dia "Pehal pulak". Dia jawab "Mimi takde siapa nak cakap pasal hal perempuan".

"Cakap lah kat Ayah" I jawab lagi. Mimi jawab lagi"Ayah bukan perempuan. Susah nak cakap pasal hal perempuan kat Ayah." I jawab balik "Takpe cakap je." And our conversation ends there.

But I really understand her predicaments. She need a motherly love and motherly care. But I once told her that since her mom is not around anymore, she has to take care of herself like what I did when my father passed away when I was 8 years old. But being a little girl, she needs a lot of attention and I need to give her that. Can I? entah lah, but I will try. Kena pamper dia lebih sikit sebab dia seorang je anak perempuan.

Tapi kadang-kadang abang2 dia jeles jugek. "Eleh, ayah ni, asyik-asyik menangkan Mimi aje. Kalau Mimi salah pun, ayah menangkan dia. Kalau Acik buat, dah lama Acik kena dah." Acik was always the one who complaint. Apa tak nya, kalau Acik buat, memang Acik yang kena marah. Kalau Mimi yang buat, marah nya kurang sikit. Bukan apa, kesian jugek kat Mimi ni. At least Acik ada abang2 yang Acik boleh cerita tapi Mimi nak mengadu kat abang2 dia pun, lagi kena marah. Entah lah anak-anak aku 4 orang ni.

Tapi kesian jugak aku tengak si Mimi ni. Tapi kadangkala, manja dia terlebih-lebih jugek.