5 years has gone without her

As Salam to all.

I have not been updating this blog for ages. Until recently, 5 January 2013, it marked the 5th years of Ky's passing. How fast times flies by. It has been 5 years she has left us forever. The kids had been without their Mak for 5 years and I've been a single father for 5 years as well.

Pic taken at Garden Party in Shangri La Putrajaya

It has been a long journey alone taking care of the 4 growing up children. Mimi (10), Adib (12), Aizat (15) and Aizuddin (17) was at a stage wanting the loves of both Mak and Ayah. But ALLAH knows what is best for them. I believe there must be some hikmah for everything the Almighty bestowed anything upon us. They are now 15, 17, 20 and 22, respectively. All grown up handsome and pretty.

 Pic taken last Raya 2012

Being a single father is not an easy task. But I have promise arwah Ky that I will take care of them no matter what. So 5 years passed without any major disaster taking care of them. Of course there were times I wish I have someone to share the burden of bringing up the kids but then I always believe that ALLAH will help me no matter what. Everyday I prayed that ALLAH will help me in giving me strength to carry the responsibility to raise the. Alhamdulillah I have done my part till today.

To all husband and wife out there, my advise is very simple. Whilst your partner is still around, appreciate their presence - good or bad. It's our choice to make our marriage works. It's out choice to be happy or to feel bad. It's our choice to makes our life easier or makes it miserable. It's all about our choices. Because one of us us gone, we have no way to turn back into the time zone. It's not like back to the future film. No way. So make the best we can. Of course we have our ups and downs. But why not we have more ups than downs, right?

As for me, now I will only cherish all the memories Ky & I had together. I love to go down the memory lanes on how we met while we were students in Western Michigan University, the day we were pronounced husband and wife, the days Ky delivered our children (I was there in the labour room for every delivery), the days we had our Alaskan cruise trip, the days we brought Aizuddin & Aizat to Las Vegas and LA, and many many more.

And it's also good to snap pictures whenever you have been together. Cause that will keep the memories being together. As the saying goes, put the memories in pictures. And now with the digital gadgets, it easier to keep them in your computers.

Taken sometimes in 1998

I was very blessed to have family and friends that supported me all the way. No words can describe my appreciation to them for giving me advice and support in their own ways that had helped me to move on. They have been besides me all the way till now.

Although they were times the million dollars question were asked (guess what Question?), I just brushed them off with my million dollar reasons heheeheee... There's no way anyone can replace arwah in my life. She is very special person that had etched herself in me. No matter what. I know one day I will be remarried and I hope that lucky lady would understand the whole situation.  So who's the lucky lady? Tungguuuuuuuuu...!!!

There's only one thing I can say about Arwah... "You have been a great wife to me, a great Mak to our 4 kids, a great sister & sister in law, the best daughter in law and a person who had been significant to everyone who had known you!" May ALLAH bless your soul sayang.

Happy Birthday Sayang

This song by Adam Ahmad have been coming into my ears lately especially when Ky's birthday is coming. Probably it also mean something to me especially when I now felt the lost or probably needed her at this point of time in my life.




It's 26 October 2008. It could have been Ky's 48th birthday. I remember it well. Why shouldn't I? We have been celebrating it for the last 18 years together. But this year is different. We aren't celebrating her birthday. Not as much as we wanted to. But I personally felt that it's a day to remember her. She has left us almost 10 months now. So on Saturday 25 October 2008, after Maghrib each one of us read Surah Yassin at home dedicated to her. Knowing her, she had once told me that she don't one any of us to read Yassin nor doing tahlil at her grave. So by read Yassin at thome, I guess that is the most precious gift the kids and I could give her.

I have also planned to make the resting place a bit better. Initially it was just an ordinary grave that looks the below.


Ky's resting place - just as simple grave with wooden plank
curbing the area with 2 red leave plant as marking.

So I have planned to have a simple yet lovely kubur for her. So during the Ramadan, I have requested somebody to do a "one tier" kubur without any frills. I have choosen white tiling as I guess it would look clean and simple as well.I already got 2 large size river stone to put as her "batu nisan" but I haven't got the time to put some engraving to it yet.

I've also decided to plant small "Japanese roses" in the middle of her grave with Red English Rose on the top and "button flower" plant at the bottom.

Actually the kids and I had planned to get pebbles from the river to put on top of her grave. However, due to the fasting month and Raya month, till now we could get it done. Thus I decided to use the littel white and black pebbles that I bought from the nursery.

English Red roses plant instead of a bouquet of red roses for my love one.

At the end, it came out to be a simple but yet nice grave that I guess would be my birthday present for her. I was quite please of the outcome.

So on Sunday I took the kids to the grave so that they could recite Al Fatihah for their mom at her resting place. Nowadays, it not easy to get the kids together at one time. Fortunately today, we got together to spend sometime at the grave.

Along, Angah, Acik (hidden) and Mimi reciting Al-Fatihah her their mom.

I even told the kids that if I'm not around anymore, I would want them to visit me and remember me during my birthday. Of course reciting Surah Yassin is more precious to me than anything else.


The simple grave. White tile border. White and black pebbles.
English rose, Japanese roses and button flower plant as accessories.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAYANG!! MAY YOU REST IN PEACE AND IN THE PLACE CHOSEN BY ALLAH.

Happy Mother's Day Sayang

I was browsing my old posting and I tumbled into this one here.

So I start reading it again after a year it was being posted. It's quite sad to know that we have no chance of wishing her Happy Mother's day this year or ever again. But I know she has been a good mother to my 4 children. Whatever the circumstance was when she was still around, her children are her utmost priority that she have.

Now my kids and I have felt her loss and that nothing can replace her. Unfortunate for her, cancer has robbed her life and our lifes has never been the same again after that.

But one thing I could say: My love for her will never die.

Happy Mother's Day Sayang.

Happy Mother's Day

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY SAYANG

Mimi : Ayah, gambar mak ada tak?
Ayah : Ada. Mimi nak buat apa?
Mimi : Mimi nak buat card Happy Mother's Day.
Ayah : Pegi cari kat drawer dalam bilik bibik tu. Tengok dalam file tu mungkin ada.

So my little girl went to Bibik's room and brought back the white box file.
I tried looking for Ky's passport size photo but I couldn't find any. I've taken all the things in the file but yet I couldn't find the photo.

Ayah : Mimi tak de lah. Ayah ingat itu hari ayah ada letak kat sini.
Mimi : Ha... nanti Mimi carik kat atas.
So she went upstairs and happily brought one pic of her mom down and showed to me with grinning smile.

Suddenly what she was going to say really kills my heart.
Mimi : Ayah, nanti kalau Mimi dah buat Kad Mother's Day, Mimi nak bagi siapa ha? Mak dah takde.

And I nearly cried when I heard that. With tear starts rolling in my eyes but I tried to hide from her, I told her.
Ayah : Mimi bagi lah Anjang. Kan Anjang pun macam mak Mimi kan.
Mimi : Oklah.

I didn't talk much to her after that. Probably both of us understood that if we talked further about her mom, it will bring more hurts in our hearts.

I know Ky had gone for more than 4 months now and I could take it. But when Mimi said who she can give the Mother's Day card to, I suddenly felt pity for her . I pity her for not having a mother to wish happy mother's day to, as she usually did for years. She would be savings some money to buy something for her mother eventhough it was just a stalk of cheap plastic red rose she bought or a musical jewelery box she had been aiming for.

I don't know how many people would understand how a 11 year olds girl would feel loosing a mother a young tender age. When everyone can wish their mother "Happy Mother's Day" on 12 May, she would felt the lost when she couldn't find anyone that she can call Mak! Even I still has a mother who is now 83 years old and I could see her on Sunday to wish her Happy Mothers Day.

Probably I will take Mimi to her Mak's grave on Sunday so that she can wish her "Happy Mother's Day" and may her Mak rest in peace.

Flashes of Love

For the past one week, I have had flashes came into my mind on occasions of my late Sayang.

At one time while I was driving home from work, suddenly my mind was thinking about her being carried down into her grave. I vividly remember what was happening then as I was there holding Mimi's hand while Aizuddin and Aizat carried he Mak's jenazah down.

On other occasion, suddenly I was thinking about her on bed and I was taking care of her.

A few time, I suddenly thought of her body being cleansed and being "wrapped" (Kafan) at the Surau.

The other day another flashes of her came in. It was the time when my children and I gave her the last kiss after being "wrapped" with white cloth, before she being prayed upon.

I had a deep thought each time these flashes of her came into my mind. But most important of all .... Why? Is there something do I need to do for her that I have forgotten.

Didn't I visit her lately? Didn't I think of her lately. Or is it that I have forgotten of her.

I don't think so. I visited her almost every week even though it rains most days. If not weekdays, I would have gone to visit her on Saturday or Sunday morning. Yesterday afternoon, I took all the kids to visit her.

Forgot about her? No I don't think so. Every time after each prayer, Insyaallah, I doa that Allah placed her amongst the religious souls. Thus she's always in my mind.

Or probably, the Children have not read Yassin for her for sometimes now. So today after Jemaah Magrhib with the kids, we gathered to read Yassin for her.

Or is it something that I still don't understand what she meant but she kept coming into my mind! God knows.

You are MY ALL Sayang

Yesterday when I was getting ready to go for a nephew's wedding suddenly Mimi asked me:

Mimi : Ayah baju jubah mak yang mak beli dekat Kluang tu mana dia?"

Me : Yang mana satu ni? Yang ni ke? ( I showed her the one in floral Green).

Mimi: A'ah tapi mak ada satu lagi yang colour pink tu. Yang mak beli kat Kluang tu.

Me : (After checking the rest of of Ky's baju in the closet, I couldn't find one.) Entah lah Mimi. Entah-entah Ayah dah bagi kat Kak Siti kot (one of my niece who could fit into Ky's dress - the rest a bit too big). Mengapa Mimi nak baju tu.

Mimi : Mimi nak simpan baju tu. Kalau tak makcik-makcik Mimi saja yang boleh akai baju tu. (wow what an instruction from my baby girl)

So this afternoon after my Asar prayers I suddenly thought of opening Ky's closet.

Somehow or rather, lots of memories suddenly came into my mind. Really lots of memories. Each of her dresses: whether a baju kurung, jubah or many other outfits reminded me of where and in what occasions she wore it.

I particularly remembered the floral pink long dress when she wore during Simon & Diana's high tea party, or the light purple lace with inner dress at a wedding, or the navy blue sequined long dress she wore at one of the Weekend Leadership Seminar. And many more dresses at many more occasions. I remember them all.

I can still picture her in the beautiful dress she wore. She would smile from ears to ears when I complimented her for dressing so well and beautiful. Who shouldn't be right, especially when her own husband complimented her. Her "Love Language" is "words of affirmations". (Do read the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman). So she would loves kind words, complimentary and the simple word "I love you" from me.

Now all that has passed. All I can do is just remember the good old days when she was still around.

And the song by Mariah Carrie "My All" suddenly came into my mind when I was flipping her dress. Yes maybe she is all "MY ALL".



My All - Mariah Carrie

I am thinking of you
In my sleepless solitude tonight
If it's wrong to love you
Then my heart just won't let me be right
'Cause I've drowned in you
And I won't pull through
Without you by my side


I'd give my all
To have just one more night with you
I'd risk my life
To feel your body next to mine
'Cause I can't go on
Living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all
For your love tonight


Baby, can you feel me
Imagining I'm looking in your eyes
I can see you clearly
Vividly emblazoned in my mind
And yet you're so far
Like a distant star
I'm wishing on tonight


I'd give my all
To have just one more night with you
I'd risk my life
To feel your body next to mine
'Cause I can't go on
Living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all
For your love tonight


I'd give my all
To have just one more night with you
I'd risk my life
To feel your body next to mine
'Cause I can't go on
Living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all
For your love tonight
I'd give my all for your love
Tonight

Cancer Recurrence

I was looking for something the other day when I found this print out of articles on Cancer. In fact I was the one who printed them for Ky to read. Specifically it's about Cancer Recurrence. I remember that I google about cancer when Ky had recurrence about one year plus ago. So I taught it might be a good use for Ky and me to read because both of us believe that the more information we know about cancer, the more we can get prepare for it.

When I read the article again, I realized that what the writer had written in his article is very similar what Ky had gone through. And I very glad that I had given these useful information to Ky because I believe that she is more prepared for it and had made certain decision by reading it.

One of the topic was : Should I stop life-prolonging treatment? He gave some example of people's personal story and their decision whether to prolong the treatment.

In one section there is a topic on :Pain Management - What is Cancer Pain? How cancer pain is treated? When I read that I realized that Ky had experience the same thing. I remember how the Hospis nurse had given Ky the same treatment like what the article mentioned. The morphine and other pain killer were given to her just to make her more comfortable.

I guess after she read this article, Ky had decided to have a quality life rather than to prolong the treatment. Maybe she knows that the chances of her being treated is very slim especially when the cancer cells had invaded her liver. So rather than going thru' the pain of chemotherapy again, she had chosen to prepare herself to meet the Mighty Allah. And Insyaallah she had prepared herself very well.

Kaya vs Miskin

I met Kak Yati, an acquaintance at Fathiah's house the other day. We didn't meet and had the chance to chat since Ky's passing. So once we got the chance she asked me about my kids as she is so concern about them i.e. about my children losing their mother at very young age. I told her that the kids are ok and so am I.

And we were talking about so many people came to see Ky when she was sick and even after her passing. What really triggered my mind when she said that "Ky kaya masa nak pergi". I didn't catch what she meant. Then she explain in detail. She mentioned that when Ky passed away, so many people were at the surau and "sembahyang jenazah" for her. And that was Kak Yati's first time ever sembahyang jenazah. Eventhough she had never done it before, she just followed the rest of the jemaah as she was told.

She observed Ky's face was so calm and sweet and also kissed her as well. Very unusual for someone who is just an acquaintance but to kiss a jenazah.

She continued that a friend of hers, a Chinese mualaf also died of cancer but not even her estranged husband knows and care about her death. Only few people attended the funeral.

And that was Kak Yati's observation and interpretation of "Kaya and Miskin". And now I understood what she meant.

I continued saying that maybe Ky has prepared herself to meet the Creator. I told her that during the Ramadan month she never failed to go to Sembahyang Terawih . And even without me (for 2 weeks when I had a minor operation), she would get my son to go to the Surau with her. Besides that at most night, she would wake up and do her Sembahyang Tahjud. Sembahyang Taubat, etc. I remember she telling me that she had Khatam Quran during the fasting month. Alhamdulillah she managed to do that despite her illness.

I told Kak Yati that mungkin rezeki Ky yang dia pergi tanpa banyak menyusahkan orang. She was practically bed ridden for only one week and not for months like some other people. And on top of that all my kids and I was with her when she passed away. Even all her sisters was there witnessing her last breath. But to me, the most important thing was that she recite "Allah...Allah...Allah...." until her very last breath. I know she died as true Muslim and only Allah will bestow what is best for a person like her. Al Fatihah for Ky.

She's Aint Heavy, She's My Lover

I was driving home from work this evening. The road was a bit jammed especially when it was drizzling on the PLUS highway. The radio was on with some music that I don't really bother to hear. My thought was away somewhere else while I was driving, and I'm not really concentrating on the road.

My mind suddenly thought of the moment when I was with Ky. I don't know why but that spear moments really came into my mind, very vividly in my mind.

It was Saturday, January 2008, about 3 a.m. Everybody was so sleepy. My sisters in law who have been keeping eyes on Ky were too sleepy by now. There had already found a spot somewhere to sleep. I don't know why but somehow my heart forced me to volunteer myself to be awake to take care of Ky.

I started to read Yassin besides Ky, whom I think was in-between awake and asleep. Ustazah Ida already told us to read Quran or Yassin continuously despite Ky is sleeping or not. She told us that Ky could still hear us even thought she might be unconscious. That's was the effect of the painkiller she had been taking or probably because her liver was weakening and it had affected other internal organs.

She suddenly woke up and I remember vividly that she wants to hug me despite of her weakening body and practically no energy to even hold up her arms. I was sitting on a chair just beside our bed where she was sleeping. My initial reaction was getting myself nearer to her so that she can hug me easily and I got myself to hug her as well.

Without hesitation, I told her: "Sayang, kalau ada rezeki I pergi Haji nanti, I buatkan Haji untuk you sekali ya. I sayang kat you tau" She gave a nod of approval without saying anything.

I didn't know and didn't realized that it was our last hug. The very last one. She passed away peacefully about 12 hours after that. I don't feel any regret because at least I had that special moment with her together and that I had made a promise to her that one day I will do my Hajj and I promise to do for her as well. That is one of her last wishes to go for Hajj. Just thinking of that special moments really rolled tears in my eyes. To my Sayang, You Ain't Heavy, You're My Lover.

And it happend that there's a song that that will accompany you when you read this segment. It's a very touching oldies song sang by The Hollies called "He's Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother" But I changed the lyrics a bit to "She's Ain't Heavy, She's My Lover".

She Ain't Heavy She's My Lover

The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows where

But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry her
She ain't heavy, she's my lover

So on we go
Her welfare is of my concern
No burden is she, to bear
We'll get there

For I know
She would not encumber me
She ain't heavy, she's my lover

If I'm laden at all
I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's heart
Isn't filled with the gladness
Of love for one another

It's a long, long road
From which there is no return
While we're on our way to there
Why not share

And the load
Doesn't weight me down at all
She ain't heavy, she's my lover
She ain't heavy, she's my lover

I Still Remember

I received an email from my youngest sister, Ina, written in some kind of poem/story. It was so touching that I think I should share this to all my silent readers. By the way, my family address me as Jemie since I was small. And to give more emotion when you read this, please put this song by Alleycats which is also touching.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Jemie,

I can feel what you feel now. Be strong.........

I still remember....... that Ky is the one who pushed me to take driving licence 10 years ago. She said " Na, my friend tak de confidence, nampak lembik aje tapi dia boleh pass driving test, you mesti boleh pass". Then I took the test. In JPJ hall was about 70 candidates. I was so nervous. Few hours later I got the result. My results was 50/50 ( full marks). Kalau Ky tak give me confidence I would not sit for the exam.

I still remember .......... after got married it took two years for me to decide to have baby. Ky came and suggested me this "Na, you can go to any family clinic to check pregnancy, don't worry everything will be fine". Then only I started think of having baby, because before this I dont have knowlege in it. When I got first baby, Ky is the one who gave me anything that I need for the baby. From baby court (basket) to anything else.

I still remember ................when I heard she is ill, I called her (to hear from her mouth). She said Ky ada cancer..................and she stopped for a while (I knew she's crying).

I still remember ...... when I knew she was first warded in SGMC due to her illness, I visited her. Her sis, Kak Minah was with her. Ky said that Jemie want to sleep at the hospital to take care of her but she refused and asked Jemie to go back to do something more important. In my heart said when I was in hospital to deliver baby I only want my husband to be around, but not Ky, she such a brave lady.

I still remember ..........she is the only auntie to give Naza card, wishing him well in UPSR.

I still remember .............. she was happy to hear Nazmi and I further our study in University and always asked on our progress whenever she met us.

I still remember .......... a week before she passed away, she sat in the same table with me (the rest went to Kota Bharu) eating ketupat in emak's house. She said she hates to see herself in mirror, like skeleton. We also talk so many things until she realised that she ate so much ( she said I don't eat lately but today I eat alot).... she finished the whole plate. I advised her 'Ky jangan ikutkan selera tapi ingat kesihatan tu.." She then passed me a present. I only sempat bought her a small cake.

I still remember.............. when Kak Chik called me informing that Ky dah meninggal..... I was in the middle of discussion in my office with an important guy. I immediately stopped the discussion capai beg and I informed him that I got to go coz my sister-in-law passed away. Dia terpingga-pingga sebab I ask him to go as I need to lock my office room.

I still remember ................during the kebumi my children (3 of them) want to go nearer to the kubor, to see their aunty Kiky, Nique even went closest kat celah-celah orang, sampai I got to hold his hand kalau tidak dia akan sama-sama turun ke liang. He requested to pour water for his aunty Kiky but because of too many people and the water also finished I just asked him to go back.

I still remember ...... when I went to visit emak and I told her that Kiky has passed away emak said.. "Kiky baik, dia tak ada apa-apa dosa dengan mak........."

I still remember ....... sometimes back, when I watched Ky in TV, when she gave talk, she said she is fortunate to have husband that so caring to his mother. And if the husband care about his mother he cares about his wife too....and she also said that her daughter always play with her wig'

We have so many similarities .......... celebrate birthday together, youngest in family, same wedding anniversary date, very independent but caring and loving.

We always sms wishing each other on our happy day .............. but now ???

Jemie, our family included her in all our bacaan yassin, solat hajat etc ever since we knew she is ill. Eventhough we could not spend time camping in your house due to our commitment with our children (so happen the school just started) but we pray for her in every of our solat. All of us ....................... our family.

Jemie, remember how emak went through her time when abah passed away. With 11 of us still young. She is very strong right?? and she can handle lots of things .................so to you.

Harimau mati meninggalkan belang, manusia mati meninggalkan nama.. Kiky tinggalkan nama yang sangat baik dan semasa hayatnya dia menggunakan setiap kesempatan yang ada dengan amat baik untuk bersama semua orang yang dikenalinya. Dan hasilnya kita nampak semasa saat dia meninggalkan kita ... semua yang dia kenal memberikan hormat yang tinggi padanya..... dengan jumlah kehadiran ramai kenalannya.....................

Until now, I have not deleted her name from my handphone.

Amin ya rabbal Alamin

This Picture Will Never Mean and Be The Same Again

I didn't realized that this picture will never mean and be the same again until I read Azrul the Deoughtred's blog regarding Ky's passing. Yes I totally agreed with him. This picture will never ever the same again. With Ky's passing and this picture will never be the same again ....... forever........ leaving my 4 kids and me left.

This is picture paint a thousand words and brings lots of memories to me and my kids.



This picture was taken using a Sony digital given as
a Birthday present by my beloved late wife, Ky and taken
on my 45th Birthday at home. All my kids were around then.
This is one of the my best and favourite pictures.

My Reminder is now gone forever.

Since Ky passing, I now felt that there was no one else to remind me of anything. She used to remind me of prayers time lah, wake me up for prayers lah, remind me of somebody's birthday lah, some weddings lah, so on and so forth. Now that she is no more around, I wonder who will remind me of things.

Maybe Mimi picks up some of her mother's trait. She do reminds me at times but not as much as her mother. But she did told me what her mommy wants me to do. Once she said "Ayah, mak selalu baca ratib lepas sembahyang. Ayah tak buat ke?"

At one time she said "Ayah, mak selalu baca Quran. Ayah taknak baca Quran ke?". So ayah nya terpaksa lah buat apa yang Mimi suruh hehehe..

But that's not the point. The point is Ky is not around anymore. Maybe out of responsibility, she would remind me of things she has to - responsible as a wife. But now I got no wife to remind me. So macamana? Please do ask me to get one ok. Not now anyway. Or maybe not in this 2 or 3 years.

But I guess I have to remind myself to do good deeds as what Ky had reminded in the past. Allahualam.

Reminiscing the past with someone you love

Today is a public holiday and I took the kids to Ky's grave which is nearby our house.I don't know whether we could be considered lucky to have Ky's resting place which is so near to our home. Thus visiting her almost daily is not a problem. I took the opportunity to visit her at every chance I can grab. Even after work, if it's not raining and I came back early, I would pick up the kids available and went straight to the grave.

Ky had once told Ustazah Ida, which she informed us a day after Ky's passing, that she wants her children to read Yassin and Al Quran for her. She specifically told that she don't anybody to read Yassin or Tahlil at her grave. So we respect her will. Just sedekah Al Fatihah whenever we visited her. My children already knew that and they know what to do whenever I took them to see her mother. And today for the first time, I took Bibik along as she had never been to Ky's grave.

Every time I visited her grave, I felt empty inside me. I felt the loss more whenever I'm alone at her grave. It is difficult to explain to someone on how I felt. But I always remind myself to sedekah Al Fatihah for her whenever she came into my mind. Probably its not easy to just forget someone who have been with me for about 23 years. No it's not as easy as you might think. Her pictures are all over the house and in this computers. How could I forget as she is the mother of my 4 children. Her pictures with the children bring lots of memory to me. I will add her pictures later.

While I'm writing, the song "This one for you" by Barry Manilow is on. And this song so touching that I think I will download it and dedicated this song for Ky. Hey, I'm a sentimental person too ok.