Syurga Di Bawah Tapak Kaki Ibu

My kids wishing her Mak Happy Mother's day by visiting
her resting place and recite Al-Fatihah for her.
I believe reciting a verse of Al-Fatihah is more precious
than a million dollar for their Mak.

Remember 2 days ago when Mimi asked me who she should give the mother's day car to? And to remind her about her Mak, I made a point to take all my four kids to Ky's resting place which is just 2 minutes away from our house.

I had brought Acik & Mimi yesterday's evening to the grave, since we are on the way home from buying these 2 kids the books they wanted. And earlier today , all my sisters-in-law came to visit her grave. Abg Leman, Liza & her Aunt also came. Liza (Kak lllah's 2nd daughter) is leaving for Melbourne tonight with the rest of her family - after being her for about a month taking care of Kak Illah. Liza was in Melbourne when Ky passed away so she made a point to visit Ky's and Kak Illah's grave before she leave for Australia.

They scattered the colorful flower petals on Ky's grave ( that's why you see Ky's grave is so colorful).

While all kids were at the grave, I took the opportunity to tell them that if I'm not around anymore, I politely request them to visit me there like how I took them to visit their mom. Yeah who knows right. And for sure one day I will be there anyway. Maybe not at the same grave yard.

I specifically told Along, my eldest son, that if I'm not around anymore for whatever reason, he will be the head of the family - meaning that he should take the responsibility to take car of his other siblings and not forgetting to take his brothers and sister to visit his Mak's resting place.

I'm sure that my Sayang is the happiest person on earth oops underneath the earth.... when I took her kids to visit her during Mother's day especially with her kids reciting Al-Fatihah for her which I personally believe is most precious than a million dollars.

As I still remember she once said to me that there is only 3 things that she wanted to do/have:
1. To do Amal Jariah
2. To teach some knowledge/Ilmu to others so that it can be used and practiced by others.
3. Her children prayed/doa for her.
And I'm trying my level best so that our children will pray and doa for her.

Project Potted Flowers

As I had promised myself, I wanted to plant the potted chrysanthemums at Ky's resting place. So early in the morning about 8.30 am I went there alone. I wanted the kids to come along but as usual weekends are for them to sleep in. So I don't want to disturb their sleep.

By the time I arrive the grave yard, there were about 4 cars and a couple of motorbikes there already. Most of them are family members reading Yassin or prayers for their loves ones.

As for me, I am armed with a small spade to dig some earth and 2 bottles of water to water the flowers. Since it's just some digging up to do, I did it in a jiffy. The flowers look fresh in the early morning.

While I was doing this, a man came to visit a grave next to Ky but on the other side of the lane which divides them. I nodded to him as a gesture to say Hi. All the while when I digging the hole and weeding, I was reciting Al Fatihah for Ky. So I couldn't I say Salam or talk to him.

When there was a chance, we talk to each other. I got to know that she is visit her wife's resting place. We chatted further and I also got to know that her wife passed away about a year ago due to liver cancer. Oh there's something common between us. Her wife died due to liver at age of 50 and Ky died of similar cause at age of 47.

I left the grave yard past 9.00 am and went to a mamak stall to buy roti canai for breakfast for the kids.

Something inside me is lonely

It was 5.30 pm. I was alone at home. Mimi is with Kak Chik and Abg Zali in Bentong. My 3 other heroes Acik, Angah and Along are at the padang nearby playing either football or volleyball. Bibik had taken this weekend off and she left in the afternoon. So I was left alone at home.

Had enough of watching the TV. No much program that really interest me. The clock were ticking real slow as if the time is going to stop.

I suddenly felt so lonely inside me. I felt like something really missing and it's very difficult to explain.

Last time when the kids were gone somewhere, I was left alone with someone who will be with me. At least there is someone I could talk to. Or someone who could watch the TV with me. Or someone who could challenge my thinking if there was something that we disagree on. Or someone who just don't do anything but sit beside me. Or someone sleeping upstairs while I'm down there alone watching the TV. Hey there someone.

But now there is no one that cares about me. I mean someone that will be there rain or shine. Someone who advise you if she felt something not going right with you. Or she'll just hang around the children irregardless you are there or not. Now she is no more there to be around.

So after Asar prayers at 6.00pm I decided to take a drive to the resting place of my beloved one, which is less a minute drive from my house. I went alone as no one else is around to go with me.

Not many people were at the graveyard. Only a few people here and there visiting the resting place of their love ones.

After giving my salam to my love one. I just sat there reciting Al Fatiha as much as I can for her.

The sun was kind and nice to me. And so was the wind. The continued breeze gave me some comfort and kept me there for a good 20 minutes.

I think my heart speak up for me at the grave. I don't want to be seen like talking alone at the grave. People might think that I'm going crazy talking alone, especially when there was a family reciting Yassin at the next grave nearby.

Maybe I got to get use to be alone now. Maybe I need to indulge myself with other things so that my mind don't wonders elsewhere. Or maybe I need somebody to talk to. Or is it a phase in my life before I'm getting use to this loneliness. Now I've got to battle it myself. I know I'm strong. I will be strong for my own life and the kids.

Hari Raya 2005

Anyway, while I was writing this blog, this song by Elton John came out and it seems like it just jive with this topic now. Happy reading and happy listening.

YOUR SONG - ELTON JOHN

Its a little bit funny this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money but boy if I did
Id buy a big house where we both could live

If I was a sculptor, but then again, no
Or a man who makes potions in a traveling show
I know its not much but its the best I can do
My gift is my song and this ones for you

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that its done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss
Well a few of the verses well they've got me quite cross
But the suns been quite kind while I wrote this song
Its for people like you that keep it turned on

So excuse me forgetting but these things I do
You see Ive forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes Ive ever seen

This Picture Will Never Mean and Be The Same Again

I didn't realized that this picture will never mean and be the same again until I read Azrul the Deoughtred's blog regarding Ky's passing. Yes I totally agreed with him. This picture will never ever the same again. With Ky's passing and this picture will never be the same again ....... forever........ leaving my 4 kids and me left.

This is picture paint a thousand words and brings lots of memories to me and my kids.



This picture was taken using a Sony digital given as
a Birthday present by my beloved late wife, Ky and taken
on my 45th Birthday at home. All my kids were around then.
This is one of the my best and favourite pictures.

Teringat Sayang diMalam yang Syahdu

Malam ni tiba-tiba teringat pada yang tersayang yang telah pergi dahulu menemui Allah lebih 2 minggu yang lalu. Tiba-tiba malam ni terasa rindu teramat sangat pada sayang yang telah bersama sejak 23 tahun yang lalu tapi pada malam ni hanya Abang seorang sahaja mengharungi kehidupan bersama-sama anak-anak kita ini.

We have known each other way back in 1983 when we first met during winter when I first step my foot in Western Michigan University, Kalamazoo, Michigan. At this time, alone in this quiet night bring back sweet memories especially during the good old days when we were courting each other. Probably people would say it "LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT". Probably it's true for her when she first saw me as a junior in college while she was already a senior there - in a hall full of Malaysian students - during the PERMAU game (Sukan Persatuan Pelajar Malaysia Amerika Utara). From thereon, and after 5 years of courting and 3 times of breaking off (there's a secret to it hahaha...) we got married in 1989.

Lots of pain and laughters were shared together. We have our ups and downs. We have our loves and hatred. We have our dreams that we were chasing together. We shared lots of things we did together and lots of things we did separately. We solved many difficulties together and also messed up things together. But love each and everyone of it. We were practically in love with each other either we say it or in silence. It is now history. Now I am alone with my kids. And now she is probably somewhere in garden of heaven looking at me blogging in the middle of the night trying to console myself after losing her. Tapi Allah Maha Berkuasa. He knows what is the best for her.

I redha pemergian nya menemui Illahi. She once said something like this to me "Allah tak akan beri dugaan kepada Hamba nya yang tak mampu menghadapi nya. Hanya orang-orang yang terpilih sahaja mampu menghadapi dugaan Allah". I guess it is very true for that matter. She was the chosen one. My sayang menghadapi nya dengan penuh tabah without lots of complaints. She always thinks of Allah all the time.

Alhamdullilah she was prepared for it. Allah had given her 4 years 7 months to be prepared before she was taken to Him. She was more religious than before. During the last Ramadan month, she never failed to performed Terawih at Surau nearby our home. She did sembahyang Tajud and taubah almost every night . She Khatam the Quran. To think of it, I believe that she had felt that her time is coming she did all the preparation as much as she can.

In fact 2 weeks before her passing, Ky told me "Bang, I feel that my body is weakening. I feel that my time is coming." I was in between astounded and sad. But that was a statement she had given me a few times already. I didn't know exactly what to say but I braved myself. "Yang, kalau if it's your time to go, I redhakan you pergi. Tapi you kena redhakan diri you pergi jugak." I know it's difficult to say but I have to say it anyway with tears rolling in my eyes. Believe me, it was the saddest things I had to say to her. Especially to someone that you really love and someone who had spend the rest of her life with you and now you know that she will be leaving you in no times. Only Allah knows how I felt that time.

Her passing was so easy and without much difficulties. To think of it, dia tak banyak menyusahkan her family and me. Unlike some people who were sick for months and even years. Hers was only about 2 weeks with one week she was practically bedridden.

I am also thankful to Allah for letting me taking care of her during her last days in this world. I don't feel regret as I believe I had done my duty as a husband taking care of her especially when she can't take care of herself.

Tonight I felt that she is somewhere near me - probably I already missed her. I love you sayang.

This song is specially dedicated to my Sayang whom I know loves me so much as I love her.

This is the last picture taken as a family at Gua Tempurung, Perak.
Acik was not in the picture because he was taking our pic.



This is the last pic we took together as a loving couple at
Lost World of Tambun, Ipoh about a month before her passing.
I will cherish her in my memory as long as I live.
This picture will never be the same ever again.

How about the children?

So many people ask me: "So how your children taking it?"

My common answer is: "Alhamdulillah, they are taking it well".

You see Ky had been sick for years and during the last one year when the cancer had affected her liver (which means that death could occur in the next few months), we have prepared my children. In fact, Ky's personal doctor cum mentor and happen to be her schoolmate, Dr. Pang, had personally counselled my children at her clinic. She spoke to them beginning with the 2 elder boys and then the 2 younger boy and girl.

Over time, I had personally told my children to be prepared for whatever will happen. They knew that Ky's health was deteriorating. In fact 2 weeks before Ky's passing, I got all my children together and told them what to expect.

"Mak tengah sakit kuat dan mungkin dah tak lama lagi dengan kita. Jadi awaksemua mesti tawakal apa akan jadi. Ayah taknak Emak risau tentang awaksemua. Kalau emak pergi pun, ayah ada kat sini. Apa-apa hal beritahu ayah, ok". I told them.

I also told all my boys to read Yassin and AlQuran besides Ky when she could hardly knows whose who around her. They also say Shahadah or Allah continuously beside their mothers so that Ky could hear it.

In fact, during Ky's last breath, they were beside her. They saw Ky's passing in front of their very own eyes. I believe that they had redha Ky's passing and so have I.

And because I had prepare them earlier over time, Alhamdulillah they can take it for now. The boys seems ok. Only Mimi once awhile would say that she misses her mom. How couldn't she? She was with her mom almost all the time. She bathe and eats with Ky. Sleeps besides Ky. And she do everything with her mom. Now without Ky, I have to take this role. And for now Mimi have accepted the fact that Mom is no more around.

Whenever I or the kids can, we will visit her grave. In fact during the first week, I never fail to go to her grave. I bundled the kids in my car whenever they are around and went together. Ky have mentioned that whenever we go to visit her, she don't want us to read Yassin or Tahlil at her grave. Only sedekah Alfatihah to her, especially from her children. And we did just that.

Takziah and Condolences

From now onwards, I'll try to write on things related to the events when Ky passed away.

I received lots of condolences personally from individuals who attended the funerals and also sms I received from all over. On Saturday itself, I've received almost hundreds of smses but I didn't retrieve them until the next day when I was a bit free.

Below are some of the smses that I received and I have kept. For rememberance sake, I write them down here and then I can delete it from my HP. The inbox is already full and have no more space for incoming smses. Some of these people I had not known personnaly but they knew us in some places and functions. These will be part of my memories and something that I can ponder on.

Dear Azam, Please accept our sincere condolence for the loss of Rokiah. Her beautiful spirits will always live in our hearts. Ivan & Cassandra (Singapore)

Salam Azam. Roslan here. Just heard from Fathiah & Rohana. Dina & I offer our condolences. Sabar banyak2 and be strong my friends especially for your kids. If there is any consolation, she has has gone to meet our creator, Allah s.a.w. Moga2 roh arwah di cucuri rahmat dan diletakkan di kalangan solehin. Amin. Roslan (Kota Kinabalu)

Hi Azam. We are sorry to hear Rokiah has left us. She'll be in good hands. Do take care yourself and your children and be strong. They need you more now. Our sincere condolences to you and your family. Cliff & Shirley (Singapore)

Azam. Fathiah just informed us of Ky's passing. Our deepest condolences to you and your family. Ky was a wonderful role model and she'll always lives in our hearts. Love and light. Brigid & Wan Zainal (Singapore)

Takziah dari kami sekeluarga. Kami turut bersedih bersama kamu, harap kamu bersabar dan redha dankami berdoa semoga Allah memberi rahmat keatas roh nya. Abg De (Labuan)

We are sorry to hear about your loss. Regards. Kumar & Janet (Singapore)

Salam En Azam. Takziah dari Hairi sekeluarga. Moga rohnya dicucuri rahmat. Amin. Hairi (my staff Proton Shah Alam)

Takziah dari kami sekeluarga. Semoga Allah mencucuri rahmatnya. Azlan Husen (ex-colleague Kajang)

Assalamualaikum Azam. Salam takziah kepada keluarga Allahyarhamah Rokiah atas pemergiannya yg tak diduga. Semoga rohnya dicucuri rahmat subhannallahtaalah. Hassan & Liza (Singapore)

My Takziah to Azam & your kids for the loss of a wife and a mother. I will always remember Ky as the most positive, bright, energetic and can-do person. That's why Ky with the blessed of Allah lasted this long. She is with Allah now and let's pray for her. Ashraf & family.

Assalamulaikum. Takziah & harap bersabar. Azman Md Nor (PPC Proton)

Please accept my deepest condolence for your great loss of your wife Ky. Semoga roh Ky dicucuri rahmat. Let me know if I can help you in any way.Al Fathihah. Sam (old friend)

Our deepest symphaties & heartfelt condolences to you & your family. May her soul rest in peace. Joan & Jerry (Kota Kinabalu)

Takziah dari saya dan Keluarga serta seluruh pegawai dan anggota tentera. Doa kami mengiringi beliau. Banyak bersabar dan tenang. Saya tak hadir kerana sekarang berada diluar kena siapkan tugas nak kena submit monday. Maaf. Mejar Zainal (Ky's ex-military colleague)

I'm saddened by the news. Be tough my friend. Andak Kamarulzaman (my best friend).

Takziah. Wak Zamani

Hi Azam. Our condolences to you and your family for the loss of your wife. She has been an inspiration to us. David & Rhu Min (Singapore)

Takziah. Semoga roh Ky dicucuri rajmat Allah. Banyakkan doa dan bersabar. Alfatihah. Azivik

Azam. My deepest condolences to you and family on Ky's passing. Oy Len

Hi Azam. We are thinking of you and family during this difficult time. Take care and God bless you. May you find peace. You and Ky are very special to us. Regards. Chin Kuan & Terry (Subang Jaya)

Our condolences on demise of your beloved wife Rokiah. God blkess her soul. Patricia Don Chowdhurie (Singapore)

Innalillahi wa-innailahi raajiun. Takziah dari kami sekeluarga. Al Fatihah. Tifli (my ex-boss) (Shah Alam)

Assalamualaikum Azam. Salam takziah diatas pemergian Allahyarhamah Rokiah. Kami berdoa agar rohnya berada dikalangan solihin. Salam dari Ramzi, Kuyah & famili.(This couple went to Umrah together with us)

Takziah semoga rohnya di redhai Allah. Noh (Proton)

Hi Azam. Takziah from both of us. So sorry to hear about it. Kami doakan semoga roh allahyarhamah dirahmati Allah sentiasa. Dari Marsitah & Mazufi (ex-officemate)

Sorry to hear the sad news. My deepest condolence to you and your family. My thought are with you although I am not there with you. Al Fatihah. Wan Faridah (current officemate)

Moga dia ditempatkan di kalangan orang yang soleh. Amin. Ezzah Aziz Fawzy (TV3) (Ky's ex-schoolmate and also close friend)

Dear Azam. Ucapan takziah kepada saudara sekeluarga atas permergian isteri tersayang. Moga rohnya dicucuri rahmat Allah s.w.t. Ikhlas dari Zaid (MD's office)

Azam. Takziah atas kembalinya isteri kerahmahtullah. Allahyang maha penyayang. Kita doakan kebaikan semuanya. Datuk Maruan (ex-boss)

Salam Azam. Takziah atas pemerghian wife you. Semoga rohnya dicucuri rahmat dan bersama-sama dengan para shuhadah. Amin. Norbi (ICT Proton)

Assalamulaikum. Takziah atas kembalinya ke rahmahtullah isteri tuan. Semoga di rahmati Allah dan beserta orang yang solehah. Amin. Khari & keluarga

May we offer our deepest condolences to you and your family. We share your sorrow. James & Mary (Johor Bharu)

Saya ucapkan takziah semoga rohnya didalam golongan solehah. Saya masih teringat sewaktu umrah bersama. Maaf tak dapat ziarah malam ni. Norhalim Sirome (Proton)

Innalillah wainna illahi rojiun. Semoga Allah menempatkan rohnya bersama para shuhadah dan solehin. Take care. Amir & Sherilla (Subang Jaya)

Takziah bos. Maaf tak dapat hadir. Masih di Pahang. Insyaallha saya singgah esok. En Haris & kawan-kawan lain kirim salam. Azlee (ex-office colleage).

Just heard the news about Ky. Innalillah wainna illahi rojiun. You have done the best you could for her. Wan Nadzri (Proton)

Dear Azam. We are deeply sorry to hear about Rokiah's passing. She was a lovely person who touched so many lives. We miss her already. We'llhold you and family our thoughts and prayers. Please accept our deepest sympathy. Farouk & Melati

Takziah diucapkan dan semoga beliau ditempatkan dikalangan orang yang beriman. Alfatihah. Asri & keluarga (Proton Edar)

Azam. I nak ucapkan takziah. Semoga roh arwah di cucuri rahmat dan tempatkan dikalangan orang soleh. Sabar. Aznan (Penang)

My condolence to you and your family. Kamarul (PJ)

Sorry to hear about Rokiah. May she be with all the saint and blessed by God. We trust that you and family are in great health and peace. Love. Yap and Feng Ling (Sabah)

Dear Azam. Deepest condolence. Millan Leong (Terry's father) (Taiping)

Takziah diucapkan diatas pemergian allahyarhamah Ky. Semoga roh allahyarhamah dicucuri rahmatnya. Insyaallah. Syed Hamid & Sharifah Talha.

Shah & I ucap takziah. Nik Aliena (ex-colleague)

The good Lord always knows what is best for us. May he give you and your loved ones the strength to bear this loss. My heartfelt condolences. Helen Mirandah (Johor Bahru)

Innalillah wainna illahi rojiun. Semoga rohnya ditempatkan bersama-sama orang yang soleh. Anonymous.

Assalamualaikum. Takziah diatas pemergian orang tersayang kerahmahtullah. Semoga rohnya ditempatkan bersama-sama orang yang beriman. Padzil (CBU Logistic Proton)

Innalillahwainna illahirajiun. Semoga rohnya ditempatkan bersama-sama orang yang solehah. Ajie & suami (ex-colleague and blogger)

Assalamualaikum. Semoga abang Azam dan sekeluarga tabah menerima ujian yang besar dari Allah. Saya doakan semoga roh Allahyarhamah Puan Rokiah tergolong orang-orang yang beriman. Amin. Ustaz Habib (ustaz who used to teach my children Al-Quran) (Melaka)

Assalamualaikum Azam. Takziah saya ucapkan. Semoga rohnya diberkati Allah. Johari Ismail (GM PPC, Proton)

Just heard the sad news. Ucapkan takziah kepada saudara Azam dan keluarga. Semoga tabah dan kuat semangat. Al Fathihah. Laila (CPD Proton)

Azam. My Condolences. Sha & Lina

Dearest Azam. Please accept our deepest condolences on the passing of Rokiah. She wil be missed by all those whom she has touched. George & Belinda (Kota Kinabalu)

Our deepest condolence to you and family on the demise of your dear wife Kiky.Gone but not forgetten. Semoga rohnya dicucuri rahmat dan ditempatkan bersama-sama orang yang beriman. Letifah Hj Fathi (WMU Alumni) (Kucing Sarawak)

My deepest sympathies and hearfelt condolences to you on the demise of your beloved wife. Danny Lim Toh (Sabah)

Azam. Salam takziah. Semoga roh Kiky dicucuri rahmat dan ditempatkan bersama-sama orang yang beriman. And may you face this challenge with strength and courage. Lina Atan (WMU Alumni)

En Azam. Takziah dan bersabarlah. Sesungguhnya Allah itu maha mengetahui. Semoga roh nya dicucuri rahmat. Shukri Omar ( PC KD - Proton)

Our deepest sympathies and hearfelt condolences for the bereavement of your dearest wife. May her soul rest in peace. Richard and Mag (Kota Kinabalu)

Assalamualaikum and my deepest condolence to you and familyon Cu's sudden demise. My apology for not being able to come back to KL to visit. Khairy and family (nephew - Kuala Terengganu)

Our condolence. She is my good friend and help me a lot. Al Fatihah. Lt. Kol Kenali (ex-army colleague - Johor Bahru)

Salam. Al Fatihah. En Azam. Takziah dari Kak Tim and family. Redhakan pemergiannya. Allah menyayanginya. Mejar (B) Fatimah. (ex-army colleague)

There is nothing for anyone to pay back. Else we need accountants to keep debts of love etc. Love was always unconditional as Keng Seng received from many too. Ky gave unconditionally even when she was scared. Our spirits met last Saturday and yesterday. She is lovely and so are you. Take time to love yourself and kids. That is so important now. Li Choo (one of Ky's close friend who had been keeping in touch with her)

The above are amongst the messages I received during and after Ky's passing. I couldn't help but tears flow when I read these messages from everywhere. I stood back and thought that these people who have send me condolence messages are people who care for us. These are the people whose lives have would have been touched by Ky in one way or another. If not, I don't think that they would think of us or even if they knew of Ky's passing, they wouldn't care anyway. I guess my wife, Ky had touched many people's lives.

Al Fatihah - Rokiah Mohamed (Kiky) 26.10.1960 ~ 5.1.2008

I don't know where to start. I have not been updating this block since my last posting on 28 Dec 2007. Since that day, her health had been deteriorating fast. She hardly have any appetite to eat. Makan bubur nasi pun dua tiga sudu, lepas tu tak lalu lagi. Toasted bread pun tak lalu makan. Dr. Felicia from Hospis told me that due to the enlarged liver, it had compressed the stomach, thus she always felt that her tummy is full.

She was always in pain at the abdominal area - stomach pain, back pain day and night - kesian tengok dia. She hardly have good rested sleep at night and always woke up in the middle of the night to take some pain killer. She was already taking morphine as pain killer - in tablet form or liquid. And lately before she passed away, we have to inject it under the skin for her to relief from pain.

Friday 28 December 2007 :
I called Faizah of Hospis Malaysia if we could borrow their bed so that Kiky can lie on that bed. Earlier I told Ayu ( a very close friend of us who had taken care of her ailing mother and took care of another close - both died of cancer) about me buying a single bed for Ky but she suggested to get it from Hospis. After Hospis can lend the reclinable hospital bed and it is easy Ky to sleep and and easy for us to take care of her.

Wednesday 2 January 2008:
Dr. Felicia and Reg, Nurse Faizah came to check on Ky.We have called her earlier because Ky have been complaining about her pain and she wanted to do the "tapping" of fluid from her stomach.

After checking, Dr Felicia had mentioned that Ky's health had deteriorate fast. Water had already gone into her lungs - that's is why she had breathing difficulty. Dr. Felicia talked to me personally that maybe Ky's time is coming nearer. She told me to get all the family member to come and that we should be prepare for the worst to come.

As Ky could not sleep due to the pain, Dr. Felicia prescribed a sleeping pill, only taken when necessary.

Thursday 3 January 2008 :
We have been taking turn to take care of Ky at night just in case.... We took turn to read Yassin and Al Quran - so that she can hear all the good things. Ida (Ky's very close friend and an Ustazah) said that we can turn on the Quran CD if there is no one who are able to read it at night. I was so sleepy that night and I slept beside her, while taking care of her at the same time.

At 3.00 am, Ky woke me up and said that she was in pain (although we had give her liquid morphine and hour before). I asked her whether she want to take the sleeping pill. When she agreed, I gave her one table so that she can rest.

Till 11.00 am she didn't even wake up and that panicked me. Called Faizah about it and she told me to wait for another couple of hours. After 13 hours, Ky woke up but hardly can speak. We spooned her with Air Yassin and Air Zamzam. She was already weak because she did not take solid food by now except some fruit juices that she sip using straw.

As she woke up, we asked whether she could do Maghrib prayers. Alhamdullilah she could, in her own way. Kalau dah darurat dan sakit, sembahyang baring pun takpe - that's is what Ida told us.

After Maghrib, Ky requested that she moved back to over upstairs bedroom. I told her if she could move slowly, I could carried her upstairs. Alhamdulillah, with her strength, we got her upstairs.

Friday 4 January 2008 :
Ky could hardly wakes up. She would fell asleep probably due to the morphine she is taking. By now, Faizah (nurse) had inserted a tubing under her skin so that we can regularly inject morphine for Ky.

Since the last one week, people come from near and afar, came visiting Ky - day and night. Yassin and Al Quran were read regularly without stop. I also asked my children to read Yassin and Al Quran near her mom so that she could hear them reading. Along, Angah and me had non-stop taking turn to say prayers, shahadah to her ears. That's is what we should do to people who are dying - it's this time that satan is also trying to pull her to the other side.

Saturday 5 January 2008:
3.00 am. Everyone was sounds asleep. I took turn to take care of my beloved wife. I know she is in pain and had been on bed for almost 1 week now. Her back is a bit sore and sweaty. I don't know if I could say it a miracle. Between Ky and me, she now could turn herself one one side on her own. I could then fan her back for some air and rub her back slowly. Usually a couple of us slowly turn her on one side. She did twice. She hugged me while I was sitting next to her.

and I whispered to her ear and told her "Kalau I ada rezeki nanti, I akan pergi Hajibuatkan Haji untuk you sekali" and she nodded as sign of approval. Ky had always wanted to go for Haj but due to financial and health reason, we can't do it this year. Now I promise buat Haji untuk dia Insyaallah.

When she felt asleep, I let her rest till Subuh prayers - then I myself get some rest.

Visitors kept coming in as early as 8.00am.

At about 10.00am, my sister-in-law called me as Ky had called for me. I went up. Ky mumbled some word that I could barely hear. "Balik"....."balik". Being an ignorant soul, I told her we are already at home. Nak balik mana lagi? An hour later again she said.. "nak balik". I told her that she is not in the hospital but at home. At one time she mentioned, "mengapa balik lambat sangat?" Little that I know that she meant that it's time for her to go.

She also said "Khatam". So my boys and Ky's siblings by now read satu Juz Quran seorang so that they will Khatam the Quran. Again little that we know, her time has come. Masyaallah.

At about 3.00 pm,its was time for her Morphine to be injected but some how I felt that her time is coming and I refuse to let Ayu to inject the morphine.

Dr. Pang, one of her our friend came to visit as she has heard about Ky's condition getting worse. After looking at Ky, she pulled us aside and told us that it's rare that she sees someone who is gasping for air like Ky, for more than 2 days. She asked me what had kept her holding .. I don't know!

At about 3.45pm,Ky tried to pull out the oxygen tube from her nose. I told her if she wants it removed. She nodded. And I got the oxygen tube out.

Fathiah was telling me who else didn't come or couldn't come to see Ky. I told her that only my wheelchair-bound bedridden mom have not come to see Ky, of course due obvious reason. But I already to my sister to tell my mom to lafazkan ampun dan maaf untuk Ky. And she already did that. So after some thought and dengan kuasa Allah, I called my sister and told her to get the phone to my mom and on my side I put my HP on Ky's ear and on loudspeaker mode so that both can hear each other. I coach my mom to say and she did said what Ky neede to hear. "Ky mak ampun kan dosa Ky dan mak halalkan makan minum Ky. Mak pun minta maaf pada Ky." I guess that is what Ky wanted to hear.

About 4.00pm, Ky is already gasping for air. Me and my children were already beside her saying Shahadah and ALLAH, ALLAH, ALLAH. And Ky mumble Allah too. After 3 times gasping for breath ........... she went peacefully. She passed away at 4.05 pm.

I couldn't contained myself. Everybody was crying but I have to brave myself. My children are all that I care for now. I'm afraid if they can't take it. Alhamdulillah, till now they are ok. I have prepared them to expect the worst. After 4 years and 7 months of looking at their mom, I told them we have to redha for her to go. She had seen their mom suffer the pain of cancer and that now their mom had been relief of the pain.

Her body was cleaned and she was changed. Her jenazah was carried downstair so that everyone can ziarah her for the last time.

By 6.00 pm, kereta jenazah had arrive to take her body for cleansing and kafankan at the surau. Reaching surau, the ladies took charge and mandikan jenazah.

By 7.05 pm, jenazah dah dimandikan and dikafan kan - just in time for Maghrib. After solat Maghrib, sembahyang jenazah di lakukan. It was raining outside, but alhamdullillah when the jenazah was on the way to kubur, the rain stop.

By azan Isyak, the burial was almost completed. It was such a fast and smooth ceremony as we had planned. Alhamdulillah, everythig went well. Some people said that itu rezeki arwah .. semua berjalan lancar dan cepat dan tiada halangan.

Slightly after 9.00 pm, I went home and there still many people came to our house. Some not not knowing that the jenazah dah dikebumikan. We didn't do any tahlil that night as arwah did mentioned to me that she don't want any talkin or tahlil for her. We did baca Yassin for her every following days for one week - between family members of both sides, neighbours and jemaah surau, my close friends and many more.

Only after mid-note most of them had left except for my family members, who slept at my house - dia orang dah berkampung kat rumah I.

Mimi and Acik slept with me as they have always been. I can still imagine Ky sleeping on the bed and me taking care of her, her smell was still in the air, I can stil felt as if she is presence in the room. I never felt scared or anything - I felt more of missing her. Alhamdulillah I can still be myself eventhough she has left us forever - probably because I had redha her leaving us and she herself had redha leaving us as well to be with Allah. Allahualam.

I write more of her later. Meanwhile sedekahkan lah Al Fatihah for Arwah Rokiah Mohamed. Wassalam

Life Sdn Bhd - The Real Show

Someone asked me recently, How's the Life Sdn Bhd theater show?

In fact Wan Faridah called me a week after the show. Eh, bila show tu ha? I said, "Oi dah habis lah. Dia orang buat time raya itu hari lah" Alamak ..... silap haribulan.

Anyway let me just update you on it. The show was held at time people were busy preparing for the Hari Raya. The show was 2 days before Hari Raya and 2 days after that.

We went at the opening night at The Actors Studio, Bangsar Shopping Complex (BSC). We bundled up my kids and left early to BSC so that we can break our fast there first before we went for the show. The boys break fast with me and Mimi followed her mom for prayers first, eat something and then rush to the backstage.

All Ky's sister came in support for her debut on stage. They came in one car. Our friends Peter, Petulia and Cecilia came about 7.45pm and later joined by Simon & Diana, Ming and Ayu.



Ky's picture in her no.1 army uniform.
Somehow it was frame at the entrance
of the Actor Studio in Bangsar.




The actresses in the theater are
cancer survivor, surviving cancer
and cancer care takers.


Another framed pics of Life Sdn Bhd' s actresses.



All Ky's sisters came to give support to her.
Petulia's aunt Cecilia also came.




Ky with Diana after the show.

The show started exactly at 8.00 pm. Datuk Faridah Merican, who is a renowned the theater activist now a director, thanks the audience for supporting the show and briefed the background of the actresses. Unfortunately she told us not to take any photograph with flashes on. Mine is with flash - so I dare not take any photographs then. Too bad you can't see these people on stage relating their life history about cancer. Too bad you can't see my little girl, Mimi with her mom on stage as well.



Diana, Ayu, Ming & Petulia came to
support the show.

If you were to ask me how should describe the show, I would say that it was amazingly hilarious at time, tense when sadness comes in and relieved when it was more relax. It was a mixed feeling when you heard each cancer survivor and surviving patient relating their life history. Overall I supposed you'll hear true life story from they themself. It's not an act but real life experience.


Simon having a chat with Ky after the show.

Simon also came to see the show with Diana. He supported this charity drives and in fact asked Ky to send him an email about the show so that he can put it up in his yahoo group.



With Jit Murad who came to see the show.

The show was over about 10.00 pm. The audiences and actors gathered at the entrance - congratulating the performers for a job well done.

Jit Murad - a well known theater actor, also came to see the show. Surprisingly an experience actor gave a good comment on actors who have no experience at all. He met Ky. Also commented Mimi's brave enough to be on stage with her mommy. I didn't realised it was "the" Jit Murad until I recognised it was really him. He was talking to Ky and I was beside her at that time. Quite a pleasant guy. He loves the show and was surprise to know that all the actors were inexperience actors.

I personally went up to Datuk Faridah Merican congratulating her for effort in putting up the show together. Such a pleasant lady who directed the whole show. I also met the jovial Joe Hafsham (Faridah's husband) earlier who was also part of the people who made the show a reality.


My family with Datuk Faridah Merican
- the Director of Life Sdn Bhd 4. See Mimi with
her Black & Pink t-shirt. The pink shape was supposed
to depict a breast. It's a breast cancer month after all.

Happy Birthday Sayang

This is a special day for me. I know I have not been writing much since before the Hari Raya. But I told myself taht I have to blog today.

Why this 26 October is so special to me? It's because today is my beloved sayang 47th birthday. You see, as you know she is having breast cancer and until few months back, the cancer cell had spread to her liver. So currently she had not been feeling too good. She don't have the appetite to eat and even if she eats, everything will come out again. The Hospis doctor and nurse did mentioned to her that her liver had enlarged, thus compressing the stomach. As a result she felt that her stomach is full and could take much food.

I pity her suffering. But then again, she had to eat something to fill up her tummy. If not, she'll be getting gastric pain. Taking in pain killer or any other medication that create acidity in stomach, will eventually resulting gastric pain. That was what happen to her before the Ramadan when I had to rush her into the emergency room due to her unbearable gastric pain.

A couple of days before Hari Raya, and Ky wanted to do some cooking. You see, our Bibik had gone back for 2 months Holidays in Indonesia. So as usual, she wanted to prepare Laksa Johor to Hari Raya at my mom's place. With extra work done in the kitchen, she had a swollen right arm. She told me that probably she sprained her arm while cutting the onion. But I personally don't think so. With some consultation with her cancer friends, she found out that it was because of the reaction of the lymph nodes. For about a week, her right arm were swollen like double the size of her left arm. It was also very hot. I mean real hot and not the ordinary warm. The only solution was to cover the whole arm with a ice-cold towel. Eventually after a few days, the swollen subsided. However her appetite still wasn't that good.

On Monday night, I took her together with Acik (who had vomiting and purging due to food poisoning) to a nearby clinic. Whilst Acik's was a minor case, Ky's case was slightly serious.

The doctor that we went to see was about 70 years old Punjabi Doctor. What I like about him was that although he is a bit old but he has full of wisdom and gave fatherly advise. Initially I told him about Ky's cancer and that currently she didn't have the appetite to eat probably due to the enlarged liver.I also told him that she had not been able to eat the last few days. But this experience doctor calmly said that her stomach pain is because she is not eating at all. That also triggers the stomach pain. He said that Ky had to eat anything or if you can eat, eat an elephant for that matter. It doesn't matter what she want to eat but eat! (I remember that word) Eat a little at a time if she can't eat the whole plate. Take vitamins even though with empty stomach rather than not eating anything. He even told Ky to take "air kelapa muda" to replace the loss of sugar and salt in the body. It may sound simple but it make sense to her. So she did what the doctor told her to do.

Alhamdullilah as of yesterday, she had improved her appetite. Thanks to the fatherly advice of Dr. Premjit Singh. Well to me she is now a bit better and can eat a bit more that before.

So today is her birthday. It really meant so much me. At least she now reach her 47th birthday after more than 4 years plus of having breast cancer. Every new day meant something to me and our kids.

I know I couldn't do much to help her with her health, but I always try and will do something to make her life a bit better. Yesterday after work, I rushed to Petaling street to buy 2 dozens of red roses for her birthday. At mid-night when she already went to sleep, I arranged the roses in a crystal vase with a birthday card on it and put it on the dining table. Hopefully she is surprise to see the red roses for her in the morning.

And I am planning for a surprise Birthday party for her this Saturday night with my friends in the business - after all they are coming for Hari Raya anyway.

Happy Birthday Sayang! May Allah showed us the path and let you be fully recovered from whatever circumstances you are facing. Allah is Great and Merciful and I'm very sure that he has something in store for you.

Mimi got her role

Last Saturday Mimi accompanied Ky to her rehearsal at the Actors Studio for the "Life Sdn. Bhd." act. Unlike last week, when Mimi came back with sour face (cos she couldn't get to go on stage) last Saturday she came back with a bit more happy.

Her Mak told me that Mimi's dream came through. Why? It's because Datuk Faridah Merican, the Director asked if anybody else want to accompany the actress on stage while they relate their life history. Obviously Mimi was the one who volunteered to be on stage with her mom. I guess she want to be in the limelight with her mom too. Orang kata "nak enter frame lah tu" hehehe..

Mimi as I know her is not the timid or shy type of girl.She would volunteer to do something that her 3 brothers do want to do. I remember when she was about 6 years old, she volunteered to go on stage with a clown at the opening of Tesco Damansara Perdana. The 3 brothers only stood by down stage. She would also play the musical chair or other games at any birthday parties, whilst her brothers shied themselves away.

Now that she got her way of getting on stage with her mom, I guess she had gotten what she want. Although her part was only to stand besides her mom on stage.

Another thing that Ky told me was this. Datuk Faridah Merican was asking her actress and actors if any of them could sing on stage. Mimi silently pointed Ky to Faridah (saying that her mom could sing). Hah ... thus now Ky got to sing as well now. Thus now Ky got to sing a song. She might sing "You raise me up" by Josh Groban.

Now we see how it goes. I might be attending the grand opening on the 11 October together with my sister-in-law. So if you guys think it worthwhile to go, please join me there. It's at Actors Studio, Bangsar Shopping Complex.

Gastric Emergency

It was 5.00am in the morning. Ky was already screaming for the pain she had been enduring since last night. She has been feeling the stomach pain since yesterday. Wasn't sure because it's due to her cancer or what? She had been complaining of her pain in her tight bones and also muscle ache.

So when she couldn't stand it anymore, at 5.00am I could not think any further but to drive her to HUKM. Her health records are all in HUKM, so it wise to go there instead of Selayang Hospital which is much nearer to our house.

Reaching HUKM emergency room wasn't a problem but getting a parking is. I made 2 rounds to find a parking space but it seems that everywhere were no parking zone, cones and chains lining the Emergency lanes. I couldn't find a parking!!! So I just parked at the entrance so my wife could get onto a wheelchair and was wheeled inside by the staff.

I left the car at the entrance but was later asked by the guard to removed my car to the common parking space about 200 meters away. Why shouldn't HUKM spare some parking space for people who are on emergency? After all it's an emergency case.

Anyway, the doctors quickly put Ky on a bed and asked few questions to find out her health background. Of course I have to answer him as Ky could not have answer him anyway as her pains is unbearable by then. After some enquiries had been answered, the doctor injected some pain killers to relieve the pain. But Ky was still screaming with excruciating pain. Only a few minutes later the pain subsides a bit. There on, she was wheeled into an observation cubicle. Thus she rested there while I had to wait. The doctor suspected that she's having gastric pain and necessary medication was given. She was given some milky solution to swallow - to neutralise the acidity in her stomach.

By 6.30am I had to find a surau since I have not prayed subuh yet. The common surau at the main building only opens at 7.00am. Thus luckily a nurse showed me the staff surau nearby - but I had to go thru' the operation theater which was quite eerie especially early in the morning when there's nobody around.

While Ky was under observation, I had to wait outside the emergency room because no one is allowed to wait in the emergency room. So I had to wait at the waiting area next to it - near the automatic door into the room. So once a while when the nurse or attendance came out from the door, I quickly make myself into the room to see Ky, just in case she needs anything.

By 9.30am, the young female doctor, Dr Nurul briefed me about Ky's condition. She had the gastric pain due to prolonged taking of pain killer. This is also due to her fasting continuously the past weeks. Dr Nurul mentioned that she had also paged for a oncologist on call, however none of them was around.

By 10.30am, Dr Nurul also told me that Ky have to be discharged especially when the emergency room is now full. She had to let Ky go since more patients are coming into the ER. So we had no choice but to leave. Afterall, we wouldn't t hear people screaming in the ER. You know people who had accidents and can't bear the pain. In ER, you can see all that. Luckily Ky had felt better-off by then. So I had to take her home for some rest.

This morning before I left for work, she said that she had felt better. Of course I told her to continue with the medication and no fasting until she is ok.