Hari Raya 2008

I know Syawal month is over. So is the Hari Raya. But I couldn't help it. I just wanna share that this Raya had never been the same again. Why? Because 2 of the person we love most are not with us celebrating the Raya. First and foremost, my beloved life partner, Ky, passed away on 5.1.2008. And secondly my beloved sister, Kak Lang. who passed away on 18.8.2008. Without these two, our life will never be the same again.

So it left me with my 4 growing up children. I know it been a trying time for me to get everything ready for the Hari Raya: the children, the house, kuih raya, etc. I don't know whether you'll ever understand what I'm saying. Only Allah Almighty knows what goes inside me going thru' this alone.

Usually, before Hari Raya, Ky will the one busy getting the kids their Baju Raya, Kuih Raya, the house gets prepared and all those stuff. She'll never forget to buy somethings for everybody including my mom and siblings even though it's a small stuff. I know she is very thoughtful on that matter. Me .... hmmm entah lah. Kadang-kadang thoughtful jugak.

And my arwah Kak Lang pulak, she will be busy preparing all the kuih tradisional like kuih semperit, kuih bijan, kuih kacang, etc. It's the hand down recipe from my mom. Not forgeting the rendang, kuah kacang, kuah tauchu, and you name it. Also the ketupat palas as well. She and Mak will intricately folded the daun palas to make it into the right folding. Kalau tidak, my mom will say, "itu yang jantan, bukan betina". If you don't understand, I sympathy you. You see, if you fold the daun palas wrongly and you'll end up tying it wrongly.

Anyway the most interesting part is when you see my Kak Lang buat kecoh. As usual if there is no kecoh and screaming here and there, there's something wrong with her. Now none of it can be heard anymore. She's not around anymore.

Those gone forever won't be back. We got to make it on our own now. So this Raya, eventhough the feeling and atmosphere is different, we got to go through it on our own.

Probably my kids have understood our situation and they didn't demand much from me. I pity them. Really. I couldn't give them the time as much as I wanted to. I could get them what their mother would have given them - mother's love. But we survive this Raya. And am I glad that bibik is still around to take care of my kids.

Me and the kiddos - they are getting bigger by the days except Acik.


Bibik and the family.


My beloved mom.


The family : only half of us. The other half came later.

And what is this blog without a song. And this song from Sheila Majid called "Ku Pohon" enjoy......

Macam-macam cerita dia orang ni lah....

Scene 1:

Bro-out law: Zam kau nak tak?
Me : Nak apa?
Bro-out law: Alah.. nak kawin lagi lah....
Me : Taknak. Mengapa lak? Ada ke? (Curious jugak nak tau tu)
Bro-out law: Ada. Umur 30 tahun. Belum kahwin lagi.
Me : Tak nak
Bro-out law: Cepat lah.. Kalau taknak, aku ambik kang...
Me : Ok you ambik lah..

Leceh betul out-law ni.

Scene 2:

I met a lady office colleague whom I haven't seen long time. She was walking towards me but facing the floor.

Me: Hi Zau, pandang atas lah sikit. Nanti terlanggar tiang lah pulak.
Zau : Eh...Azam. Apa khabar?
Me : I ok jer. Macam biasa.
Zau : Anak-anak you macam mana?
Me: Anak I ok jugak. Yang the boys tu no problem. Tapi my youngest girl tu jer rindu kat mak dia kadang-kadang.
Zau: You taknak lagi ker?
Me : Taknak apa? (but I understood what she meant by now)
Zau: Alah taknak lagi ker?
Me: Ada orang nak I ker?
Zau: Kalau you tak memilih, ramai lah... hehehehe

Cheh si Zau ni.. I pun belah dari situ.

Scene 3:

Sherry : Ha kau apa khabar Zam?
Me : Aku ok jer.. Kau ok ke?
Sherry: Aku ok gak. Tapi busy lah sekarang. Sorilah lama aku tak call kau sejak Ky meninggal.
Me: Tak pe lah Sherry. Aku pun busy gak.
Sherry: Eh Zam. Siapa jaga anak-anak kau.
Me: Aku lah. Sape lagi.
Sherry : Takde lah. Bila kau keje sape lak jaga dia orang.
Me: Kan aku ada bibik yang dah keje dengan aku lebih 16 tahun kan. Dia lah jaga dia orang.
Sherry: Bagus kan kau. Tapi kau jangan kahwin-kahwin lagi tau. Kau jaga anak kau betul-betul.
Me: Eh.. lain lak cerita kau tu..
Sherry : Betul Zam. Kau jaga anak kau baik-baik. Kalau kau gatal sangat, kau ...... jer tau, tapi jangan kahwin tau..
Me : Tak guna kau Sherry. Bukan nya nak suruh aku kahwin .. kutuk aku lak ya... ok byee.. hehehheee

Chisssss...

Scene 4:

Sophie: Ha kau sekarang ni dah single. Nak aku carik kan ke?
Me: Taknak.
Sophie: Eh..kau kan sekarang single and available.
Me: Ya lah aku tau. Tapi bukan lah sekarang. Biar lah dua tiga tahun lagi.
Sophie: Kalau kau nak, nanti aku carik kan.
Me: Woi sejak bila lak kau ni jadi Agen Pencarik Jodoh ha?? Tak yah.. aku taknak lagi tau.
Sophie: Hehehehehe..

Scene 5:

I was walking for a meeting when suddenly Sheikh who was walking towards me smiling from ear to ear.

Me: Ha.. mengapa Sheikh kau tersengeh-sengeh ni.
Sheikh: Kau sejak dua menjak ni kan hensem je lah.
Me: Pehal pulak. Aku macam biasa jer.
Sheikh: Ya lah. Kau ni kan sekarang tengah mencari-cari kan.
Me : (I still cannot catch what he was saying). Apa kau cakap ni? Aku tak faham lah.
Sheikh: Ya lah .. carik awek lah. Kan kau tengah single ni. Patut lah hensem semacam jer.
Me: Celaka kau Sheikh. Aku ingat kan apa bende.

Scene 5:

We were in a meeting room while waiting for other to come when suddenly Onn ask me.

Onn: Kau taknak kahwin lagi ker Zam? (He asked politely)
Me: Tak lagi kot. Not these 2 three years.
Onn: Bagus lah tu.
Me: Ngape lak?
Onn: Bukan apa. Sekarang ni memang lah tak terasa. Tapi nanti dah tua-tua nanti kau seorang aje tinggal. Anak-anak nanti tinggalkan kau. Kalau kau kahwin, ada juga teman tua kau nanti?
Me: I just give him a smile.... (Betul jugak Onn cakap kan!!!!!)

And that makes sense....

I know all my friends and family meant well when they ask me that "Million Dollar" question. And I ni pun jenis yang tak kisah sangat. And these peopla are very close to me. That's why they asked me out of concern.

Tapi ada gak cakap macam ni....

Scene 6:

Sis-in-law: Kalau you nak tu, I faham...
Me: Nak apa Nah.
Sis-in-law: Alah nak tu lah. We all will support you.
Me: Support apa bende Nah. Apa you cakap ni. Kahwin lagi ke?
Sis-in-law: Habis apa lagi?
Me: Eh boleh. I ingatkan you all (all the sisters in law) tak bagi.
Sis-in-law: Eh.. kita orang faham. We all support you.
Me: Alhamdullilah.
Sis-in-law: Tapi ada satu saje...
Me: Ha.. ada apa lagi.
Sis-in-law: Kena go through kita orang dulu tau.
Me: Hey.. sape nak kahwin ni. You ke I?
Sis-in-law: Kita orang nak interview dia dulu tau...
Me : Cheh....macam ni memang lah I tak dapat kahwin-kahwin lagi

Scene 7:

I was having lunch at the cafeteria with some office colleague (girls) as there was an empty seat at their table. Somehow we were talking on some topics and we came to this topic as well. I was relating the above story to them i.e. about all my sis-in-laws wanted to be the panel of interviewers for my future partner (if I ever want one).

Girl 1: Aha.. elok lah tu. Bagi kitarong interview jugak.
Me: Hey.. apa pulak ni?
Girl 2 : Betul lah dia cakap. I pun nak jadik panel jugak.
Girl 3 : I pun nak. Kita orang semua nak tau jugak tau.
Me: Eh.. kalau macam ni lah, semua orang nak kena interview dia, sampai bila I tak kahwin tau.
Girl 3: Ya lah.. kita orang punya standard tinggi tau.
Girl1 and 2 : hahahahahah...

Cheh ..Tak guna punya kawan.. bukan mau support gua.Bikin gua susah lagi ada lah..chissss.


Scene 8:

Suddenly she wanted to ask me.

Sis-in-law: Arwah ada wasiat.
And suddenly I know what she wanted to ask.
Me: I taknak tau.
Sis-in-law: Eh.. betul ni.
Me: Taknak
Sis-in-law: Dia ada wasiat supaya you ....
I cut her thru' halfway
Me: Taknak dan taknak.. ok byeeeee..

Heeh takut nak dengar wasiat ni. Entah betul ke tidak..or is she trying to pull my leg.

Ini bukan cerita dongeng tapi kisah benar... macam cerita KISAH BENAR ulangan TV3 tu. Tapi watak-watak tu kena lah tukar sikit ya supaya taknak mengaibkan yang hidup atau pun yang telah menginggal dunia. Tapi cerita-cerita macam ni lah yang menceria kan hidup gua tau...Chissss...

Be Thankful With What We Are Now

I just got back from the visiting my sister-in-law (kakak ipar) and sister-out-law (biras) in Damansara Specialist Hospital. Amazing isn't it 2 people at the same time in the hospital.

Sis-in-law, Hindun was admitted last night due to her epilepsy. She was unconcious and my other sis-in-law took her to the hospital. Kesian dia. She was not well since a week ago and didn't attend my Birthday Hi Tea but I spoke to her later to thank her for the present she gave me. She wasn't her usual self when I spoke to her.

The other sis-out-law, Kak Illah has been hospitalised since her spine operation. She was ok when I saw her today but I didn't have the chance to speak to her much as another Datin friend of her, Datin Linda Laser was with her all the time. And I was not to keen to be around DLL.

Anyway, I left after about an hour with them. But that is not the topic I want to write. What I wanted to write was about my cousin's wife, Kak Ani, whom I met when I was about to leave the Hospital. I met them at the lobby.

She was with her sister, her daughter and another niece. Of course when I met them, being a nice 'lelaki melayu terakhir' I greeted and salam them. And after all the cliche, obviously I told them the reason why I was there. And I also asked them why they were there.

Her sister told me that Kak Ani had just meet Dr Kasmini. And as far as I know, Dr. Kasmini Kassim is a psychiatrist at that hospital. And I wonder why she went to see her. The reason was Kak Ani was in the state of depression after her husband died due to a motorcycle accident. Her husband is a cousin of mine, and they have a daugther age about 30.

No wonder when I saw Kak Ani, she was so frail, hagged and as if she didn't recognise me when I salam her. Now with the explanation from her sister, then only I understand. I really pity her.

What came into my mind was that she can't get away from the fact that she had lost someone she loved, her husband. Someone who would be around her for probably more than 30 years and suddenly he is gone.

I know it is very difficult to let go someone you love all you life and that you are now alone and can't do things together as you had done so before. Probably she can't control her emotion.

Then I relate her situation to mine. We had the same predicament. We lost the person that we love most. We were left to fend our self and to continue with our life.

Alhamdullilah I can go through it. Yes I still think of Ky. Yes Is till love her. Yes I do miss her. Yes and yes. But then again I always doa to Allah to show me the path to continue my life without her anymore. I had redha her passing and she had redha herself going peacefully.

I always think that there must be a reason for anything to happen. I strongly believe that Allah must have a very good reason for taking her away from me. For me, he has taken Ky away because he don't want her to suffer further. I believe that Ky too don't want to suffer as well and she did tell me once that she don't want to burden anybody especially me and the kids.

So thinking about it, Alhamdullilah I didn't had to go into depression state as what Kak Ani has gone through. And I don't have to see a psychiatrist. Probably I had already expected her passing after years of taking care of her. Probably Allah had answered my prayers to give me "ketenangan jiwa".

So seeing Kak Ani today, I thank Allah for giving me what I am today.

My Life Have To Go On

Friday

I was on the way back home from work and suddenly thought of visiting my beloved one at her resting place. Called up Mimi before reaching home and prompting her to get ready to visit her mom.

Just as I got home, Mimi was ready in her tudung and bottle of "air Yassin" and got into the car. It was 6.45 pm, the weather was cloudy and just nice for us to spend 10 good minutes at the grave. Ky ada wasiat. Dia taknak orang baca Yassin atau Tahlil kat kubur dia. So we just sedekah Al Fathihah for her.

Had a short stop at the Pasar Malam before heading home. Mimi did mentioned that Ika (her cousin) told her that another cousin (Kak Fifi) wanted to take them for a movie on Saturday and sleep over at my sister's house in Kg Tunku. I have no objection to that as long as she can spent sometimes with other girls.

Saturday

As usual, my day start with doing some marketing for the week at Selayang market. Ikan dan sayur dah habis so it's about time to replenish the stock in the kitchen especially with the upcoming Chinese New Year - lagi kedai & pasar tak ramai orang berniaga.

Today there's also a wedding invitation by my cousin - her daughter is getting married. Since she had called me personally, I couldn't say no and it's best that I attend the wedding.

So with no spouse as yet, I called my sister to go along with me. After all, her husband is working this Saturday in Bangi and her children followed Fifi for a movie and they'll sleep over there. I got Achik & Along to go along with me. Angah, as usual malas nak pergi Kenduri kahwin ni.

So we got our way to somewhere in Bandar Sg Long. Luckily there was a map to direct us there. Kalau tidak sesat barat jugak especially with the new roads and highways.

Met my aunties and cousins. Of course the first thing they would ask "Awak apa khabar? Anak2 macamana?" And some of them were dissapointed not knowing of Ky's passing, and they got to know only a few days or a week later. My standard answer is "Ma'af lah, tak sempat nak bagi tau. Lagi pun tengah kelam kabut hari tu". Dalam hati aku, lah... kalau aku beritau pun, korang datang ke???? Anyway I'm not a cruel or rude person ok.

On the way home, we decided to drop by at the General Hospital to visit Kak Ngah, who had an operation - taking out the metal rod at her hip joint as it is now becoming infection. Kesian dia. She told me that she has to be in the hospital for 6 weeks to recover.

Malam Saturday, I decided to take my boys (Mimi is with her cousin) to Alpha Angle. Angah wants to buy a new pair of badminton shoes. He is now into Badminton and hoping that he is selected for the school team. So it was the men night out. They boys wanted McDonald and I let them have what they wanted to eat. Yeah men's night out at McDonald.... how adults are we?

Sunday

As usual waited for the chinaman to send newspaper. He was slightly late than usual due to the early morning rain. Acik wanted to photocopy his school book and I took him to a stationery shop. Bought plastic cover for him and Mimi for their school text book. Their teachers had advised them to cover these "buku pinjaman".

By 11.30am, I headed for Shah Alam at Zul & Fathiah's house for some Vietnamese friends farewell party. Many were there. Met Diana, who requested me to compile Ky's pictures for a tribute for her during a Ladies Meeting coming up this middle of the month. Roshni was there too. Officially the party ends by 3pm but was there till 6pm catching times with the rest of the friends.

Arrive home slightly after 7pm. Mimi only got back after Maghrib. Get her homework done before call the day off.

Well I think I'm coming back to my normal daily life. Things have been coming back to me slowly but surely. My Life have to go on despite someone missing from my life.