Al Fatihah to Kak Imah

I haven't been writing for quite sometime now. Work have been quite hectic nowadays. Not much time for myself.

Anyway, just to update you guys that recently one of my sister-in-law passed away peacefully recently. Fondly called "Makmi" or otherwise, Kak Imah, she passed away about 2.00 am on last Wednesday at Kota Damansara. Again it was cancer that took her life. That makes her the third person who is closed to me and who succumbed to Breast cancer.

She was first diagnosed of Breast Cancer about four years ago. Since then she had done mastectomy i.e. operated her breast to take out the affected area. She also had gone thru' several courses of chemotherapy and had been bald as well. I have seen all that and how she suffered like what my late wife had gone through.

About 3 weeks ago, she was told by a specialist that her cancer had gone to he liver. I was alarmed. So was all my sisters in law who knew that it will be difficult for her to survive. What we didn't know is that it would be that fast. Or should I say, very fast. In just 3 weeks after she had known that it spread to the liver, the had to meet the Almighty. She had done the CT Scan just to double confirmed the doctors diagnosis.

What is she to me? Well as I said, she is my sister in law. But we were close to each other. Although she lived in Kluang, I do contact her once awhile. Either just to ask her well being, wishing her birthday or just asking her what is she up to now. I know that she would never sit still doing nothing. There must be something up her sleeve.


Kak Imah at Nutmeg Bistro, Kota Damansara
on my birthday celebration last year.


At a wedding in Kepong.

To me Kak Imah has her own specialty. She is independent and doesn't like to work for people but for herself. I knew her when I was first married to this side of the family way back in 1989, Back then she sells stuff at Pasar Malam in Johor Bahru. For many years she did that. She knew where to get all the stuff at wholesale prices. We took advantage of that since we too want cheaper prices of stuff she buys.

Besides that, she is a good at handicraft. She sew cushion covers, curtains, bed spread and what ever you can name it - she can sew it. On top of that, she knows where to get all the cheapest price but the best quality materials. I always amazed at her creations of curtains, cushion covers, etc. Mind you that during my wedding, she sew everything : quilted bed spread, curtains, cushion covers, drape for our dais and many more stuffs.

Every time I complimented her on seeing new things she did, without failed she would always answer : "alah murah jer kain tu" or " alah kain-kain perca jer I jahit", etc. She is so humble. But the result of her craft is first class.

There wouldn't be Kak Imah around anymore. But the memories will still be with us. I would still remember her as someone who is jovial, someone who is independent, someone who cares for other people more than herself, someone who would help if its not a problem to her and many more things which is describable.

Only Allah would knows who good she is to us. May you now rest in peace. And we pray that Allah placed you amongst the ambiya. We will miss you Kak Imah.

Cancer Recurrence

I was looking for something the other day when I found this print out of articles on Cancer. In fact I was the one who printed them for Ky to read. Specifically it's about Cancer Recurrence. I remember that I google about cancer when Ky had recurrence about one year plus ago. So I taught it might be a good use for Ky and me to read because both of us believe that the more information we know about cancer, the more we can get prepare for it.

When I read the article again, I realized that what the writer had written in his article is very similar what Ky had gone through. And I very glad that I had given these useful information to Ky because I believe that she is more prepared for it and had made certain decision by reading it.

One of the topic was : Should I stop life-prolonging treatment? He gave some example of people's personal story and their decision whether to prolong the treatment.

In one section there is a topic on :Pain Management - What is Cancer Pain? How cancer pain is treated? When I read that I realized that Ky had experience the same thing. I remember how the Hospis nurse had given Ky the same treatment like what the article mentioned. The morphine and other pain killer were given to her just to make her more comfortable.

I guess after she read this article, Ky had decided to have a quality life rather than to prolong the treatment. Maybe she knows that the chances of her being treated is very slim especially when the cancer cells had invaded her liver. So rather than going thru' the pain of chemotherapy again, she had chosen to prepare herself to meet the Mighty Allah. And Insyaallah she had prepared herself very well.

Al Fatihah - Rokiah Mohamed (Kiky) 26.10.1960 ~ 5.1.2008

I don't know where to start. I have not been updating this block since my last posting on 28 Dec 2007. Since that day, her health had been deteriorating fast. She hardly have any appetite to eat. Makan bubur nasi pun dua tiga sudu, lepas tu tak lalu lagi. Toasted bread pun tak lalu makan. Dr. Felicia from Hospis told me that due to the enlarged liver, it had compressed the stomach, thus she always felt that her tummy is full.

She was always in pain at the abdominal area - stomach pain, back pain day and night - kesian tengok dia. She hardly have good rested sleep at night and always woke up in the middle of the night to take some pain killer. She was already taking morphine as pain killer - in tablet form or liquid. And lately before she passed away, we have to inject it under the skin for her to relief from pain.

Friday 28 December 2007 :
I called Faizah of Hospis Malaysia if we could borrow their bed so that Kiky can lie on that bed. Earlier I told Ayu ( a very close friend of us who had taken care of her ailing mother and took care of another close - both died of cancer) about me buying a single bed for Ky but she suggested to get it from Hospis. After Hospis can lend the reclinable hospital bed and it is easy Ky to sleep and and easy for us to take care of her.

Wednesday 2 January 2008:
Dr. Felicia and Reg, Nurse Faizah came to check on Ky.We have called her earlier because Ky have been complaining about her pain and she wanted to do the "tapping" of fluid from her stomach.

After checking, Dr Felicia had mentioned that Ky's health had deteriorate fast. Water had already gone into her lungs - that's is why she had breathing difficulty. Dr. Felicia talked to me personally that maybe Ky's time is coming nearer. She told me to get all the family member to come and that we should be prepare for the worst to come.

As Ky could not sleep due to the pain, Dr. Felicia prescribed a sleeping pill, only taken when necessary.

Thursday 3 January 2008 :
We have been taking turn to take care of Ky at night just in case.... We took turn to read Yassin and Al Quran - so that she can hear all the good things. Ida (Ky's very close friend and an Ustazah) said that we can turn on the Quran CD if there is no one who are able to read it at night. I was so sleepy that night and I slept beside her, while taking care of her at the same time.

At 3.00 am, Ky woke me up and said that she was in pain (although we had give her liquid morphine and hour before). I asked her whether she want to take the sleeping pill. When she agreed, I gave her one table so that she can rest.

Till 11.00 am she didn't even wake up and that panicked me. Called Faizah about it and she told me to wait for another couple of hours. After 13 hours, Ky woke up but hardly can speak. We spooned her with Air Yassin and Air Zamzam. She was already weak because she did not take solid food by now except some fruit juices that she sip using straw.

As she woke up, we asked whether she could do Maghrib prayers. Alhamdullilah she could, in her own way. Kalau dah darurat dan sakit, sembahyang baring pun takpe - that's is what Ida told us.

After Maghrib, Ky requested that she moved back to over upstairs bedroom. I told her if she could move slowly, I could carried her upstairs. Alhamdulillah, with her strength, we got her upstairs.

Friday 4 January 2008 :
Ky could hardly wakes up. She would fell asleep probably due to the morphine she is taking. By now, Faizah (nurse) had inserted a tubing under her skin so that we can regularly inject morphine for Ky.

Since the last one week, people come from near and afar, came visiting Ky - day and night. Yassin and Al Quran were read regularly without stop. I also asked my children to read Yassin and Al Quran near her mom so that she could hear them reading. Along, Angah and me had non-stop taking turn to say prayers, shahadah to her ears. That's is what we should do to people who are dying - it's this time that satan is also trying to pull her to the other side.

Saturday 5 January 2008:
3.00 am. Everyone was sounds asleep. I took turn to take care of my beloved wife. I know she is in pain and had been on bed for almost 1 week now. Her back is a bit sore and sweaty. I don't know if I could say it a miracle. Between Ky and me, she now could turn herself one one side on her own. I could then fan her back for some air and rub her back slowly. Usually a couple of us slowly turn her on one side. She did twice. She hugged me while I was sitting next to her.

and I whispered to her ear and told her "Kalau I ada rezeki nanti, I akan pergi Hajibuatkan Haji untuk you sekali" and she nodded as sign of approval. Ky had always wanted to go for Haj but due to financial and health reason, we can't do it this year. Now I promise buat Haji untuk dia Insyaallah.

When she felt asleep, I let her rest till Subuh prayers - then I myself get some rest.

Visitors kept coming in as early as 8.00am.

At about 10.00am, my sister-in-law called me as Ky had called for me. I went up. Ky mumbled some word that I could barely hear. "Balik"....."balik". Being an ignorant soul, I told her we are already at home. Nak balik mana lagi? An hour later again she said.. "nak balik". I told her that she is not in the hospital but at home. At one time she mentioned, "mengapa balik lambat sangat?" Little that I know that she meant that it's time for her to go.

She also said "Khatam". So my boys and Ky's siblings by now read satu Juz Quran seorang so that they will Khatam the Quran. Again little that we know, her time has come. Masyaallah.

At about 3.00 pm,its was time for her Morphine to be injected but some how I felt that her time is coming and I refuse to let Ayu to inject the morphine.

Dr. Pang, one of her our friend came to visit as she has heard about Ky's condition getting worse. After looking at Ky, she pulled us aside and told us that it's rare that she sees someone who is gasping for air like Ky, for more than 2 days. She asked me what had kept her holding .. I don't know!

At about 3.45pm,Ky tried to pull out the oxygen tube from her nose. I told her if she wants it removed. She nodded. And I got the oxygen tube out.

Fathiah was telling me who else didn't come or couldn't come to see Ky. I told her that only my wheelchair-bound bedridden mom have not come to see Ky, of course due obvious reason. But I already to my sister to tell my mom to lafazkan ampun dan maaf untuk Ky. And she already did that. So after some thought and dengan kuasa Allah, I called my sister and told her to get the phone to my mom and on my side I put my HP on Ky's ear and on loudspeaker mode so that both can hear each other. I coach my mom to say and she did said what Ky neede to hear. "Ky mak ampun kan dosa Ky dan mak halalkan makan minum Ky. Mak pun minta maaf pada Ky." I guess that is what Ky wanted to hear.

About 4.00pm, Ky is already gasping for air. Me and my children were already beside her saying Shahadah and ALLAH, ALLAH, ALLAH. And Ky mumble Allah too. After 3 times gasping for breath ........... she went peacefully. She passed away at 4.05 pm.

I couldn't contained myself. Everybody was crying but I have to brave myself. My children are all that I care for now. I'm afraid if they can't take it. Alhamdulillah, till now they are ok. I have prepared them to expect the worst. After 4 years and 7 months of looking at their mom, I told them we have to redha for her to go. She had seen their mom suffer the pain of cancer and that now their mom had been relief of the pain.

Her body was cleaned and she was changed. Her jenazah was carried downstair so that everyone can ziarah her for the last time.

By 6.00 pm, kereta jenazah had arrive to take her body for cleansing and kafankan at the surau. Reaching surau, the ladies took charge and mandikan jenazah.

By 7.05 pm, jenazah dah dimandikan and dikafan kan - just in time for Maghrib. After solat Maghrib, sembahyang jenazah di lakukan. It was raining outside, but alhamdullillah when the jenazah was on the way to kubur, the rain stop.

By azan Isyak, the burial was almost completed. It was such a fast and smooth ceremony as we had planned. Alhamdulillah, everythig went well. Some people said that itu rezeki arwah .. semua berjalan lancar dan cepat dan tiada halangan.

Slightly after 9.00 pm, I went home and there still many people came to our house. Some not not knowing that the jenazah dah dikebumikan. We didn't do any tahlil that night as arwah did mentioned to me that she don't want any talkin or tahlil for her. We did baca Yassin for her every following days for one week - between family members of both sides, neighbours and jemaah surau, my close friends and many more.

Only after mid-note most of them had left except for my family members, who slept at my house - dia orang dah berkampung kat rumah I.

Mimi and Acik slept with me as they have always been. I can still imagine Ky sleeping on the bed and me taking care of her, her smell was still in the air, I can stil felt as if she is presence in the room. I never felt scared or anything - I felt more of missing her. Alhamdulillah I can still be myself eventhough she has left us forever - probably because I had redha her leaving us and she herself had redha leaving us as well to be with Allah. Allahualam.

I write more of her later. Meanwhile sedekahkan lah Al Fatihah for Arwah Rokiah Mohamed. Wassalam

Life Sdn Bhd - The Real Show

Someone asked me recently, How's the Life Sdn Bhd theater show?

In fact Wan Faridah called me a week after the show. Eh, bila show tu ha? I said, "Oi dah habis lah. Dia orang buat time raya itu hari lah" Alamak ..... silap haribulan.

Anyway let me just update you on it. The show was held at time people were busy preparing for the Hari Raya. The show was 2 days before Hari Raya and 2 days after that.

We went at the opening night at The Actors Studio, Bangsar Shopping Complex (BSC). We bundled up my kids and left early to BSC so that we can break our fast there first before we went for the show. The boys break fast with me and Mimi followed her mom for prayers first, eat something and then rush to the backstage.

All Ky's sister came in support for her debut on stage. They came in one car. Our friends Peter, Petulia and Cecilia came about 7.45pm and later joined by Simon & Diana, Ming and Ayu.



Ky's picture in her no.1 army uniform.
Somehow it was frame at the entrance
of the Actor Studio in Bangsar.




The actresses in the theater are
cancer survivor, surviving cancer
and cancer care takers.


Another framed pics of Life Sdn Bhd' s actresses.



All Ky's sisters came to give support to her.
Petulia's aunt Cecilia also came.




Ky with Diana after the show.

The show started exactly at 8.00 pm. Datuk Faridah Merican, who is a renowned the theater activist now a director, thanks the audience for supporting the show and briefed the background of the actresses. Unfortunately she told us not to take any photograph with flashes on. Mine is with flash - so I dare not take any photographs then. Too bad you can't see these people on stage relating their life history about cancer. Too bad you can't see my little girl, Mimi with her mom on stage as well.



Diana, Ayu, Ming & Petulia came to
support the show.

If you were to ask me how should describe the show, I would say that it was amazingly hilarious at time, tense when sadness comes in and relieved when it was more relax. It was a mixed feeling when you heard each cancer survivor and surviving patient relating their life history. Overall I supposed you'll hear true life story from they themself. It's not an act but real life experience.


Simon having a chat with Ky after the show.

Simon also came to see the show with Diana. He supported this charity drives and in fact asked Ky to send him an email about the show so that he can put it up in his yahoo group.



With Jit Murad who came to see the show.

The show was over about 10.00 pm. The audiences and actors gathered at the entrance - congratulating the performers for a job well done.

Jit Murad - a well known theater actor, also came to see the show. Surprisingly an experience actor gave a good comment on actors who have no experience at all. He met Ky. Also commented Mimi's brave enough to be on stage with her mommy. I didn't realised it was "the" Jit Murad until I recognised it was really him. He was talking to Ky and I was beside her at that time. Quite a pleasant guy. He loves the show and was surprise to know that all the actors were inexperience actors.

I personally went up to Datuk Faridah Merican congratulating her for effort in putting up the show together. Such a pleasant lady who directed the whole show. I also met the jovial Joe Hafsham (Faridah's husband) earlier who was also part of the people who made the show a reality.


My family with Datuk Faridah Merican
- the Director of Life Sdn Bhd 4. See Mimi with
her Black & Pink t-shirt. The pink shape was supposed
to depict a breast. It's a breast cancer month after all.

Mimi got her role

Last Saturday Mimi accompanied Ky to her rehearsal at the Actors Studio for the "Life Sdn. Bhd." act. Unlike last week, when Mimi came back with sour face (cos she couldn't get to go on stage) last Saturday she came back with a bit more happy.

Her Mak told me that Mimi's dream came through. Why? It's because Datuk Faridah Merican, the Director asked if anybody else want to accompany the actress on stage while they relate their life history. Obviously Mimi was the one who volunteered to be on stage with her mom. I guess she want to be in the limelight with her mom too. Orang kata "nak enter frame lah tu" hehehe..

Mimi as I know her is not the timid or shy type of girl.She would volunteer to do something that her 3 brothers do want to do. I remember when she was about 6 years old, she volunteered to go on stage with a clown at the opening of Tesco Damansara Perdana. The 3 brothers only stood by down stage. She would also play the musical chair or other games at any birthday parties, whilst her brothers shied themselves away.

Now that she got her way of getting on stage with her mom, I guess she had gotten what she want. Although her part was only to stand besides her mom on stage.

Another thing that Ky told me was this. Datuk Faridah Merican was asking her actress and actors if any of them could sing on stage. Mimi silently pointed Ky to Faridah (saying that her mom could sing). Hah ... thus now Ky got to sing as well now. Thus now Ky got to sing a song. She might sing "You raise me up" by Josh Groban.

Now we see how it goes. I might be attending the grand opening on the 11 October together with my sister-in-law. So if you guys think it worthwhile to go, please join me there. It's at Actors Studio, Bangsar Shopping Complex.

Gastric Emergency

It was 5.00am in the morning. Ky was already screaming for the pain she had been enduring since last night. She has been feeling the stomach pain since yesterday. Wasn't sure because it's due to her cancer or what? She had been complaining of her pain in her tight bones and also muscle ache.

So when she couldn't stand it anymore, at 5.00am I could not think any further but to drive her to HUKM. Her health records are all in HUKM, so it wise to go there instead of Selayang Hospital which is much nearer to our house.

Reaching HUKM emergency room wasn't a problem but getting a parking is. I made 2 rounds to find a parking space but it seems that everywhere were no parking zone, cones and chains lining the Emergency lanes. I couldn't find a parking!!! So I just parked at the entrance so my wife could get onto a wheelchair and was wheeled inside by the staff.

I left the car at the entrance but was later asked by the guard to removed my car to the common parking space about 200 meters away. Why shouldn't HUKM spare some parking space for people who are on emergency? After all it's an emergency case.

Anyway, the doctors quickly put Ky on a bed and asked few questions to find out her health background. Of course I have to answer him as Ky could not have answer him anyway as her pains is unbearable by then. After some enquiries had been answered, the doctor injected some pain killers to relieve the pain. But Ky was still screaming with excruciating pain. Only a few minutes later the pain subsides a bit. There on, she was wheeled into an observation cubicle. Thus she rested there while I had to wait. The doctor suspected that she's having gastric pain and necessary medication was given. She was given some milky solution to swallow - to neutralise the acidity in her stomach.

By 6.30am I had to find a surau since I have not prayed subuh yet. The common surau at the main building only opens at 7.00am. Thus luckily a nurse showed me the staff surau nearby - but I had to go thru' the operation theater which was quite eerie especially early in the morning when there's nobody around.

While Ky was under observation, I had to wait outside the emergency room because no one is allowed to wait in the emergency room. So I had to wait at the waiting area next to it - near the automatic door into the room. So once a while when the nurse or attendance came out from the door, I quickly make myself into the room to see Ky, just in case she needs anything.

By 9.30am, the young female doctor, Dr Nurul briefed me about Ky's condition. She had the gastric pain due to prolonged taking of pain killer. This is also due to her fasting continuously the past weeks. Dr Nurul mentioned that she had also paged for a oncologist on call, however none of them was around.

By 10.30am, Dr Nurul also told me that Ky have to be discharged especially when the emergency room is now full. She had to let Ky go since more patients are coming into the ER. So we had no choice but to leave. Afterall, we wouldn't t hear people screaming in the ER. You know people who had accidents and can't bear the pain. In ER, you can see all that. Luckily Ky had felt better-off by then. So I had to take her home for some rest.

This morning before I left for work, she said that she had felt better. Of course I told her to continue with the medication and no fasting until she is ok.

Happy Mothers Day Sayang

"Ayah! Mimi nak buat Mother's Day card for Mak. Syyhh.. jangan bagi tau Mak tau". My little darling daughter preparing a card for her Mak. She reminded me about the upcomings Mother's Day is on 13 May. She is so thoughtful and I believe she's getting it from her Mak. So she start cutting the pink coloured manila card in shape of a heart.

Her Mak and of course, my beloved wife, Ky, is now 46. We were born the same year. We met in the University where she did her Psychology and I studied Business. She is closest to Mimi, our only daughter and who could always relate to her.

This Mother's Day which falls in May also a benchmark in her life. I remember in May 2003, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was after months of body aching. She first thought was fibroid but was later confirmed cancer after the a biopsy was done. It was a devastating moment for all of us.

At 42, she was very active in what she does. A choleric and determined person, she was full of life. She knows what to strive for in life. A mother of 4 young kids, she has planned the best for them. In between being a mother, a wife, a sister, a friend, a counsellor, etc. the news of having cancer bleaks the day for her. It was a devastating moment for me too.

When the Dr. Kamal, the Oncologist and Dr. Anis, the Surgeon, sat down with us to break the news, it was the most intensifying moment. I felt my limbs were numbed and my heart stopped. I felt hopeless. Ky on the other hand was more relax as if she were expecting the worst.

That was the begining of the journey for us; she being a cancer patient, a mother, a wife, a counsellor and so forth. I told her to take one thing at a time. At that point of time, the most important thing for her is to get through this ordeal. Health first for her.



The most immediate course of action is for her to have Chemotherapy. At stage 4, the cancer cells have spread from her breast to the lungs and spinal bones. She has to take 6 cycles of the chemo. Initial 2 cycle were ok as the chemo have not reacted much on her. After that hair falls off, nausea, temperature rises occasionally and she starts loosing weight.

She was strong enough to go though all the cycles. Of course, supplements was always on hand to overcome the lost in appetides. I was fortunate to be able to be with her on every doctors appoinments and every chemo. That was 3 years ago.

After the 6 cycles of distressing chemo, the Oncologist recommended her to take the hormone therapy i.e. tablets form, but she has to stop her mestruation cycle by injecting some hormone related drug. But after nearly 2 years, this hormone therapy can't do much either. So the Oncologist suggest to do another 6 round of chemo using another drugs.

To our dissapointment, after 4 cycles of chemo, the cancer cells have spread to the brain, the lung and liver. Thus she has to do 5 cycles radiotherapy to the brain. One of the side effect was the hair loss. I told her, the hair loss in nothing as long as she survive.

Now after 4 years : 10 cycles chemotherapy, 2 years of hormone therapy and 5 radiotherapy later, she is still with us. Health-wise she is ok. But she always take this positively. She is more religious now than before. She reads Quran almost after every prayers, do lots of zikir and doa. Of course as for me, I never forget to pray for her well-being in every doa after solat.

Cancer might have robbed her of her livelyhood but never rob her of her will to live. She has been a good mother, good wife, a good person. I have told her before that life and death is the work of Allah. We cannot determine when we die or how long we can live. Anybody will go if Allah wanted to. But as long as we live, we have to live life the fullest.

To my dearest beloved Sayang - You are a winner to me. Happy mother's day Sayang.

Al-Fatihah to Puan Rahimah

I got this sms from my wife, Ky at 11.24 am.

"Untuk pengetahuan semua, sahabat kita, Pn Rahimah telah kembali ke rahmahtullah semalam, selasa jam 11.45 mlm. Mari lah kita berdoa semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat ke atas rohnya. Amin ya rab bal alamin.."

It was a devastating moment when I read this sms. Called Ky immediately after I read her sms. In between solemn and trying to console her, Ky told me that the last time she went to see Puan Rahimah in Damansara Specialist Hospital was last Monday, she was already in coma then. Last week, she also went to visit her after her Tafsir Quran class. Being frail and lost weight- due to the cancer cell have spread to the liver - they got to chat for awhile and shared some food together. Ky told me that Puan Rahimah had a few times invited her for lunch in her good times but time is not on her side - thus couldn't make it. Terkilan tak dapat makan bersama dulu.

Personally, I only knew Puan Rahimah from Ky. She is one of Ky's Cancer patients in Damansara Specialist. She had survived cancer for 7 years now. She had gone through several chemoteraphy, radiations and whatever she could stand until of late. She can't stand anymore side effects. She was taking alternatives supplements.

The first time I was introduced to her when we met at the Cancer Support group in Damansara Specialist. Ky was the facilitator. It was a special support group meeting there because it's a mothers day celebration too. Puan Rahimah was an invited speaker then. Her daughter and son also got the chance to speak highly of her.

The last occasion was on 17 February 2006. Ky and I organized a talk by Ustaz Dr Abdullah Yassin at KGPA on "Redha and Tawakal menghadapi penyakit". Puan Rahimah was there early to take the registration of the attendees. She also contributed some money to pay the rental of the hall - as this is a charity-kind of talk.

But most of all, she was close to Ky. Ky is her mentor and Puan Rahimah is Ky's close friend/patient/emotional partner - they both had cancer.Well it is time for her to go. We can't stop Allah's work. Probably it's best for her to go than to suffer in this world.

To my beloved wife : be strong and leave this to Allah because he knows what is best for you.

Al - Fatihah..