She's Aint Heavy, She's My Lover

I was driving home from work this evening. The road was a bit jammed especially when it was drizzling on the PLUS highway. The radio was on with some music that I don't really bother to hear. My thought was away somewhere else while I was driving, and I'm not really concentrating on the road.

My mind suddenly thought of the moment when I was with Ky. I don't know why but that spear moments really came into my mind, very vividly in my mind.

It was Saturday, January 2008, about 3 a.m. Everybody was so sleepy. My sisters in law who have been keeping eyes on Ky were too sleepy by now. There had already found a spot somewhere to sleep. I don't know why but somehow my heart forced me to volunteer myself to be awake to take care of Ky.

I started to read Yassin besides Ky, whom I think was in-between awake and asleep. Ustazah Ida already told us to read Quran or Yassin continuously despite Ky is sleeping or not. She told us that Ky could still hear us even thought she might be unconscious. That's was the effect of the painkiller she had been taking or probably because her liver was weakening and it had affected other internal organs.

She suddenly woke up and I remember vividly that she wants to hug me despite of her weakening body and practically no energy to even hold up her arms. I was sitting on a chair just beside our bed where she was sleeping. My initial reaction was getting myself nearer to her so that she can hug me easily and I got myself to hug her as well.

Without hesitation, I told her: "Sayang, kalau ada rezeki I pergi Haji nanti, I buatkan Haji untuk you sekali ya. I sayang kat you tau" She gave a nod of approval without saying anything.

I didn't know and didn't realized that it was our last hug. The very last one. She passed away peacefully about 12 hours after that. I don't feel any regret because at least I had that special moment with her together and that I had made a promise to her that one day I will do my Hajj and I promise to do for her as well. That is one of her last wishes to go for Hajj. Just thinking of that special moments really rolled tears in my eyes. To my Sayang, You Ain't Heavy, You're My Lover.

And it happend that there's a song that that will accompany you when you read this segment. It's a very touching oldies song sang by The Hollies called "He's Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother" But I changed the lyrics a bit to "She's Ain't Heavy, She's My Lover".

She Ain't Heavy She's My Lover

The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows where

But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry her
She ain't heavy, she's my lover

So on we go
Her welfare is of my concern
No burden is she, to bear
We'll get there

For I know
She would not encumber me
She ain't heavy, she's my lover

If I'm laden at all
I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's heart
Isn't filled with the gladness
Of love for one another

It's a long, long road
From which there is no return
While we're on our way to there
Why not share

And the load
Doesn't weight me down at all
She ain't heavy, she's my lover
She ain't heavy, she's my lover

I Still Remember

I received an email from my youngest sister, Ina, written in some kind of poem/story. It was so touching that I think I should share this to all my silent readers. By the way, my family address me as Jemie since I was small. And to give more emotion when you read this, please put this song by Alleycats which is also touching.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Jemie,

I can feel what you feel now. Be strong.........

I still remember....... that Ky is the one who pushed me to take driving licence 10 years ago. She said " Na, my friend tak de confidence, nampak lembik aje tapi dia boleh pass driving test, you mesti boleh pass". Then I took the test. In JPJ hall was about 70 candidates. I was so nervous. Few hours later I got the result. My results was 50/50 ( full marks). Kalau Ky tak give me confidence I would not sit for the exam.

I still remember .......... after got married it took two years for me to decide to have baby. Ky came and suggested me this "Na, you can go to any family clinic to check pregnancy, don't worry everything will be fine". Then only I started think of having baby, because before this I dont have knowlege in it. When I got first baby, Ky is the one who gave me anything that I need for the baby. From baby court (basket) to anything else.

I still remember ................when I heard she is ill, I called her (to hear from her mouth). She said Ky ada cancer..................and she stopped for a while (I knew she's crying).

I still remember ...... when I knew she was first warded in SGMC due to her illness, I visited her. Her sis, Kak Minah was with her. Ky said that Jemie want to sleep at the hospital to take care of her but she refused and asked Jemie to go back to do something more important. In my heart said when I was in hospital to deliver baby I only want my husband to be around, but not Ky, she such a brave lady.

I still remember ..........she is the only auntie to give Naza card, wishing him well in UPSR.

I still remember .............. she was happy to hear Nazmi and I further our study in University and always asked on our progress whenever she met us.

I still remember .......... a week before she passed away, she sat in the same table with me (the rest went to Kota Bharu) eating ketupat in emak's house. She said she hates to see herself in mirror, like skeleton. We also talk so many things until she realised that she ate so much ( she said I don't eat lately but today I eat alot).... she finished the whole plate. I advised her 'Ky jangan ikutkan selera tapi ingat kesihatan tu.." She then passed me a present. I only sempat bought her a small cake.

I still remember.............. when Kak Chik called me informing that Ky dah meninggal..... I was in the middle of discussion in my office with an important guy. I immediately stopped the discussion capai beg and I informed him that I got to go coz my sister-in-law passed away. Dia terpingga-pingga sebab I ask him to go as I need to lock my office room.

I still remember ................during the kebumi my children (3 of them) want to go nearer to the kubor, to see their aunty Kiky, Nique even went closest kat celah-celah orang, sampai I got to hold his hand kalau tidak dia akan sama-sama turun ke liang. He requested to pour water for his aunty Kiky but because of too many people and the water also finished I just asked him to go back.

I still remember ...... when I went to visit emak and I told her that Kiky has passed away emak said.. "Kiky baik, dia tak ada apa-apa dosa dengan mak........."

I still remember ....... sometimes back, when I watched Ky in TV, when she gave talk, she said she is fortunate to have husband that so caring to his mother. And if the husband care about his mother he cares about his wife too....and she also said that her daughter always play with her wig'

We have so many similarities .......... celebrate birthday together, youngest in family, same wedding anniversary date, very independent but caring and loving.

We always sms wishing each other on our happy day .............. but now ???

Jemie, our family included her in all our bacaan yassin, solat hajat etc ever since we knew she is ill. Eventhough we could not spend time camping in your house due to our commitment with our children (so happen the school just started) but we pray for her in every of our solat. All of us ....................... our family.

Jemie, remember how emak went through her time when abah passed away. With 11 of us still young. She is very strong right?? and she can handle lots of things .................so to you.

Harimau mati meninggalkan belang, manusia mati meninggalkan nama.. Kiky tinggalkan nama yang sangat baik dan semasa hayatnya dia menggunakan setiap kesempatan yang ada dengan amat baik untuk bersama semua orang yang dikenalinya. Dan hasilnya kita nampak semasa saat dia meninggalkan kita ... semua yang dia kenal memberikan hormat yang tinggi padanya..... dengan jumlah kehadiran ramai kenalannya.....................

Until now, I have not deleted her name from my handphone.

Amin ya rabbal Alamin

This Picture Will Never Mean and Be The Same Again

I didn't realized that this picture will never mean and be the same again until I read Azrul the Deoughtred's blog regarding Ky's passing. Yes I totally agreed with him. This picture will never ever the same again. With Ky's passing and this picture will never be the same again ....... forever........ leaving my 4 kids and me left.

This is picture paint a thousand words and brings lots of memories to me and my kids.



This picture was taken using a Sony digital given as
a Birthday present by my beloved late wife, Ky and taken
on my 45th Birthday at home. All my kids were around then.
This is one of the my best and favourite pictures.

My Reminder is now gone forever.

Since Ky passing, I now felt that there was no one else to remind me of anything. She used to remind me of prayers time lah, wake me up for prayers lah, remind me of somebody's birthday lah, some weddings lah, so on and so forth. Now that she is no more around, I wonder who will remind me of things.

Maybe Mimi picks up some of her mother's trait. She do reminds me at times but not as much as her mother. But she did told me what her mommy wants me to do. Once she said "Ayah, mak selalu baca ratib lepas sembahyang. Ayah tak buat ke?"

At one time she said "Ayah, mak selalu baca Quran. Ayah taknak baca Quran ke?". So ayah nya terpaksa lah buat apa yang Mimi suruh hehehe..

But that's not the point. The point is Ky is not around anymore. Maybe out of responsibility, she would remind me of things she has to - responsible as a wife. But now I got no wife to remind me. So macamana? Please do ask me to get one ok. Not now anyway. Or maybe not in this 2 or 3 years.

But I guess I have to remind myself to do good deeds as what Ky had reminded in the past. Allahualam.

Reminiscing the past with someone you love

Today is a public holiday and I took the kids to Ky's grave which is nearby our house.I don't know whether we could be considered lucky to have Ky's resting place which is so near to our home. Thus visiting her almost daily is not a problem. I took the opportunity to visit her at every chance I can grab. Even after work, if it's not raining and I came back early, I would pick up the kids available and went straight to the grave.

Ky had once told Ustazah Ida, which she informed us a day after Ky's passing, that she wants her children to read Yassin and Al Quran for her. She specifically told that she don't anybody to read Yassin or Tahlil at her grave. So we respect her will. Just sedekah Al Fatihah whenever we visited her. My children already knew that and they know what to do whenever I took them to see her mother. And today for the first time, I took Bibik along as she had never been to Ky's grave.

Every time I visited her grave, I felt empty inside me. I felt the loss more whenever I'm alone at her grave. It is difficult to explain to someone on how I felt. But I always remind myself to sedekah Al Fatihah for her whenever she came into my mind. Probably its not easy to just forget someone who have been with me for about 23 years. No it's not as easy as you might think. Her pictures are all over the house and in this computers. How could I forget as she is the mother of my 4 children. Her pictures with the children bring lots of memory to me. I will add her pictures later.

While I'm writing, the song "This one for you" by Barry Manilow is on. And this song so touching that I think I will download it and dedicated this song for Ky. Hey, I'm a sentimental person too ok.

Teringat Sayang diMalam yang Syahdu

Malam ni tiba-tiba teringat pada yang tersayang yang telah pergi dahulu menemui Allah lebih 2 minggu yang lalu. Tiba-tiba malam ni terasa rindu teramat sangat pada sayang yang telah bersama sejak 23 tahun yang lalu tapi pada malam ni hanya Abang seorang sahaja mengharungi kehidupan bersama-sama anak-anak kita ini.

We have known each other way back in 1983 when we first met during winter when I first step my foot in Western Michigan University, Kalamazoo, Michigan. At this time, alone in this quiet night bring back sweet memories especially during the good old days when we were courting each other. Probably people would say it "LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT". Probably it's true for her when she first saw me as a junior in college while she was already a senior there - in a hall full of Malaysian students - during the PERMAU game (Sukan Persatuan Pelajar Malaysia Amerika Utara). From thereon, and after 5 years of courting and 3 times of breaking off (there's a secret to it hahaha...) we got married in 1989.

Lots of pain and laughters were shared together. We have our ups and downs. We have our loves and hatred. We have our dreams that we were chasing together. We shared lots of things we did together and lots of things we did separately. We solved many difficulties together and also messed up things together. But love each and everyone of it. We were practically in love with each other either we say it or in silence. It is now history. Now I am alone with my kids. And now she is probably somewhere in garden of heaven looking at me blogging in the middle of the night trying to console myself after losing her. Tapi Allah Maha Berkuasa. He knows what is the best for her.

I redha pemergian nya menemui Illahi. She once said something like this to me "Allah tak akan beri dugaan kepada Hamba nya yang tak mampu menghadapi nya. Hanya orang-orang yang terpilih sahaja mampu menghadapi dugaan Allah". I guess it is very true for that matter. She was the chosen one. My sayang menghadapi nya dengan penuh tabah without lots of complaints. She always thinks of Allah all the time.

Alhamdullilah she was prepared for it. Allah had given her 4 years 7 months to be prepared before she was taken to Him. She was more religious than before. During the last Ramadan month, she never failed to performed Terawih at Surau nearby our home. She did sembahyang Tajud and taubah almost every night . She Khatam the Quran. To think of it, I believe that she had felt that her time is coming she did all the preparation as much as she can.

In fact 2 weeks before her passing, Ky told me "Bang, I feel that my body is weakening. I feel that my time is coming." I was in between astounded and sad. But that was a statement she had given me a few times already. I didn't know exactly what to say but I braved myself. "Yang, kalau if it's your time to go, I redhakan you pergi. Tapi you kena redhakan diri you pergi jugak." I know it's difficult to say but I have to say it anyway with tears rolling in my eyes. Believe me, it was the saddest things I had to say to her. Especially to someone that you really love and someone who had spend the rest of her life with you and now you know that she will be leaving you in no times. Only Allah knows how I felt that time.

Her passing was so easy and without much difficulties. To think of it, dia tak banyak menyusahkan her family and me. Unlike some people who were sick for months and even years. Hers was only about 2 weeks with one week she was practically bedridden.

I am also thankful to Allah for letting me taking care of her during her last days in this world. I don't feel regret as I believe I had done my duty as a husband taking care of her especially when she can't take care of herself.

Tonight I felt that she is somewhere near me - probably I already missed her. I love you sayang.

This song is specially dedicated to my Sayang whom I know loves me so much as I love her.

This is the last picture taken as a family at Gua Tempurung, Perak.
Acik was not in the picture because he was taking our pic.



This is the last pic we took together as a loving couple at
Lost World of Tambun, Ipoh about a month before her passing.
I will cherish her in my memory as long as I live.
This picture will never be the same ever again.

How about the children?

So many people ask me: "So how your children taking it?"

My common answer is: "Alhamdulillah, they are taking it well".

You see Ky had been sick for years and during the last one year when the cancer had affected her liver (which means that death could occur in the next few months), we have prepared my children. In fact, Ky's personal doctor cum mentor and happen to be her schoolmate, Dr. Pang, had personally counselled my children at her clinic. She spoke to them beginning with the 2 elder boys and then the 2 younger boy and girl.

Over time, I had personally told my children to be prepared for whatever will happen. They knew that Ky's health was deteriorating. In fact 2 weeks before Ky's passing, I got all my children together and told them what to expect.

"Mak tengah sakit kuat dan mungkin dah tak lama lagi dengan kita. Jadi awaksemua mesti tawakal apa akan jadi. Ayah taknak Emak risau tentang awaksemua. Kalau emak pergi pun, ayah ada kat sini. Apa-apa hal beritahu ayah, ok". I told them.

I also told all my boys to read Yassin and AlQuran besides Ky when she could hardly knows whose who around her. They also say Shahadah or Allah continuously beside their mothers so that Ky could hear it.

In fact, during Ky's last breath, they were beside her. They saw Ky's passing in front of their very own eyes. I believe that they had redha Ky's passing and so have I.

And because I had prepare them earlier over time, Alhamdulillah they can take it for now. The boys seems ok. Only Mimi once awhile would say that she misses her mom. How couldn't she? She was with her mom almost all the time. She bathe and eats with Ky. Sleeps besides Ky. And she do everything with her mom. Now without Ky, I have to take this role. And for now Mimi have accepted the fact that Mom is no more around.

Whenever I or the kids can, we will visit her grave. In fact during the first week, I never fail to go to her grave. I bundled the kids in my car whenever they are around and went together. Ky have mentioned that whenever we go to visit her, she don't want us to read Yassin or Tahlil at her grave. Only sedekah Alfatihah to her, especially from her children. And we did just that.