Thursday, January 31, 2008

Bakat TV 1972

If you were born before 1960 and were teenagers during the 70's, you would have remember a popular RTM TV program the "Bakat TV". It was one of the talent time competition program that Malaysian showing off their talents in singing, playing musical instruments, magic shows and even comedy. Those were the days when the TV were still black and white. The shows were considered something like the current One In A Million but the prizes were much much lesser then.

Now why am I talking about this Bakat TV 1972? Because this a program very special for me. I was 12 years old then (now you know my age hehehe) and I try not to miss the show which was one of the hottest show during that era. Our family would gather in front of the TV to watch this show every week. If you were born in the 70's or 80's too bad you miss one of the greatest show by RTM back then. Probably you may want to ask you mom or dad if they still remember this show.

If you were old enough to remember then, let me try to recollect your memory. There was this little girl from Johore Bahru who won many people's heart when she sang songs like Mama, Bee Gee's First of May, Searching, etc. She even entered the Final. Mind you, entering the Final were a Big event then and you know what, this little girl grew up not becoming a singer but an Army Officer and later then married me hahaha..How's that! Surprise, surprise .... She was Rokiah Mohamed aka Kiky aka my late wife.

A couple of days ago, I suddenly thought of Ky in that Bakat TV. I had also told Mimi that her Mak use to enter a talentime contest show something like the
older version of Akademi Fantasia or One in a Million. Thus I googled in the net and got to know someone who has some antique video clips of the show. We then communicated and he is kind enough to find the video and put it in his blog.

My heartfelt gratitude and thanks to Abang Jebat for finding the video clip for me. My children have not seen this yet while I'm writing but I'm sure they will be thrilled to see their Mak in mini skirt and stockings singing on stage at age of 12. Probably tonight we watch it together.

Here's the video clip for you to enjoy and remind you of your past.


Tuesday, January 29, 2008

She's Aint Heavy, She's My Lover

I was driving home from work this evening. The road was a bit jammed especially when it was drizzling on the PLUS highway. The radio was on with some music that I don't really bother to hear. My thought was away somewhere else while I was driving, and I'm not really concentrating on the road.

My mind suddenly thought of the moment when I was with Ky. I don't know why but that spear moments really came into my mind, very vividly in my mind.

It was Saturday, January 2008, about 3 a.m. Everybody was so sleepy. My sisters in law who have been keeping eyes on Ky were too sleepy by now. There had already found a spot somewhere to sleep. I don't know why but somehow my heart forced me to volunteer myself to be awake to take care of Ky.

I started to read Yassin besides Ky, whom I think was in-between awake and asleep. Ustazah Ida already told us to read Quran or Yassin continuously despite Ky is sleeping or not. She told us that Ky could still hear us even thought she might be unconscious. That's was the effect of the painkiller she had been taking or probably because her liver was weakening and it had affected other internal organs.

She suddenly woke up and I remember vividly that she wants to hug me despite of her weakening body and practically no energy to even hold up her arms. I was sitting on a chair just beside our bed where she was sleeping. My initial reaction was getting myself nearer to her so that she can hug me easily and I got myself to hug her as well.

Without hesitation, I told her: "Sayang, kalau ada rezeki I pergi Haji nanti, I buatkan Haji untuk you sekali ya. I sayang kat you tau" She gave a nod of approval without saying anything.

I didn't know and didn't realized that it was our last hug. The very last one. She passed away peacefully about 12 hours after that. I don't feel any regret because at least I had that special moment with her together and that I had made a promise to her that one day I will do my Hajj and I promise to do for her as well. That is one of her last wishes to go for Hajj. Just thinking of that special moments really rolled tears in my eyes. To my Sayang, You Ain't Heavy, You're My Lover.

And it happend that there's a song that that will accompany you when you read this segment. It's a very touching oldies song sang by The Hollies called "He's Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother" But I changed the lyrics a bit to "She's Ain't Heavy, She's My Lover".

She Ain't Heavy She's My Lover

The road is long
With many a winding turn

That leads us to who knows where

Who knows where

But I'm strong

Strong enough to carry her

She ain't heavy, she's my lover

So on we go

Her welfare is of my concern

No burden is she, to bear

We'll get there

For I know
She would not encumber me

She ain't heavy, she's my lover

If I'm laden at all
I'm laden with sadness

That everyone's heart

Isn't filled with the gladness

Of love for one another

It's a long, long road

From which there is no return

While we're on our way to there

Why not share

And the load
Doesn't weight me down at all

She ain't heavy, she's my lover

She ain't heavy, she's my lover

Saturday, January 26, 2008

I Still Remember

I received an email from my youngest sister, Ina, written in some kind of poem/story. It was so touching that I think I should share this to all my silent readers. By the way, my family address me as Jemie since I was small. And to give more emotion when you read this, please put this song by Alleycats which is also touching.


Dear Jemie,
I can feel what you feel now. Be strong.........

I still remember....... that Ky is the one who pushed me to take driving licence 10 years ago. She said " Na, my friend tak de confidence, nampak lembik aje tapi dia boleh pass driving test, you mesti boleh pass". Then I took the test. In JPJ hall was about 70 candidates. I was so nervous. Few hours later I got the result. My results was 50/50 ( full marks). Kalau Ky tak give me confidence I would not sit for the exam.

I still remember .......... after got married it took two years for me to decide to have baby. Ky came and suggested me this "Na, you can go to any family clinic to check pregnancy, don't worry everything will be fine". Then only I started think of having baby, because before this I dont have knowlege in it. When I got first baby, Ky is the one who gave me anything that I need for the baby. From baby court (basket) to anything else.

I still remember ................when I heard she is ill, I called her (to hear from her mouth). She said Ky ada cancer..................and she stopped for a while (I knew she's crying).

I still remember ...... when I knew she was first warded in SGMC due to her illness, I visited her. Her sis, Kak Minah was with her. Ky said that Jemie want to sleep at the hospital to take care of her but she refused and asked Jemie to go back to do something more important. In my heart said when I was in hospital to deliver baby I only want my husband to be around, but not Ky, she such a brave lady.

I still remember ..........she is the only auntie to give Naza card, wishing him well in UPSR.

I still remember .............. she was happy to hear Nazmi and I further our study in University and always asked on our progress whenever she met us.

I still remember .......... a week before she passed away, she sat in the same table with me (the rest went to Kota Bharu) eating ketupat in emak's house. She said she hates to see herself in mirror, like skeleton. We also talk so many things until she realised that she ate so much ( she said I don't eat lately but today I eat alot).... she finished the whole plate. I advised her 'Ky jangan ikutkan selera tapi ingat kesihatan tu.." She then passed me a present. I only sempat bought her a small cake.

I still remember.............. when Kak Chik called me informing that Ky dah meninggal..... I was in the middle of discussion in my office with an important guy. I immediately stopped the discussion capai beg and I informed him that I got to go coz my sister-in-law passed away. Dia terpingga-pingga sebab I ask him to go as I need to lock my office room.

I still remember ................during the kebumi my children (3 of them) want to go nearer to the kubor, to see their aunty Kiky, Nique even went closest kat celah-celah orang, sampai I got to hold his hand kalau tidak dia akan sama-sama turun ke liang. He requested to pour water for his aunty Kiky but because of too many people and the water also finished I just asked him to go back.

I still remember ...... when I went to visit emak and I told her that Kiky has passed away emak said.. "Kiky baik, dia tak ada apa-apa dosa dengan mak........."

I still remember ....... sometimes back, when I watched Ky in TV, when she gave talk, she said she is fortunate to have husband that so caring to his mother. And if the husband care about his mother he cares about his wife too....and she also said that her daughter always play with her wig'

We have so many similarities .......... celebrate birthday together, youngest in family, same wedding anniversary date, very independent but caring and loving.
We always sms wishing each other on our happy day .............. but now ???

Jemie, our family included her in all our bacaan yassin, solat hajat etc ever since we knew she is ill. Eventhough we could not spend time camping in your house due to our commitment with our children (so happen the school just started) but we pray for her in every of our solat. All of us ....................... our family.

Jemie, remember how emak went through her time when abah passed away. With 11 of us still young. She is very strong right?? and she can handle lots of things to you.

Harimau mati meninggalkan belang, manusia mati meninggalkan nama.. Kiky tinggalkan nama yang sangat baik dan semasa hayatnya dia menggunakan setiap kesempatan yang ada dengan amat baik untuk bersama semua orang yang dikenalinya. Dan hasilnya kita nampak semasa saat dia meninggalkan kita ... semua yang dia kenal memberikan hormat yang tinggi padanya..... dengan jumlah kehadiran ramai kenalannya.....................

Until now, I have not deleted her name from my handphone.
Amin ya rabbal Alamin

Friday, January 25, 2008

This Picture Will Never Mean and Be The Same Again

I didn't realized that this picture will never mean and be the same again until I read Azrul the Deoughtred's blog regarding Ky's passing. Yes I totally agreed with him. This picture will never ever the same again. With Ky's passing and this picture will never be the same again ....... forever........ leaving my 4 kids and me left.

This is picture paint a thousand words and brings lots of memories to me and my kids.

This picture was taken using a Sony digital given as
a Birthday present by my beloved late wife, Ky and taken
on my 45th Birthday at home. All my kids were around then.
This is one of the my best and favourite pictures.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

My Reminder is now gone forever.

Since Ky passing, I now felt that there was no one else to remind me of anything. She used to remind me of prayers time lah, wake me up for prayers lah, remind me of somebody's birthday lah, some weddings lah, so on and so forth. Now that she is no more around, I wonder who will remind me of things.

Maybe Mimi picks up some of her mother's trait. She do reminds me at times but not as much as her mother. But she did told me what her mommy wants me to do. Once she said "Ayah, mak selalu baca ratib lepas sembahyang. Ayah tak buat ke?"

At one time she said "Ayah, mak selalu baca Quran. Ayah taknak baca Quran ke?". So ayah nya terpaksa lah buat apa yang Mimi suruh hehehe..

But that's not the point. The point is Ky is not around anymore. Maybe out of responsibility, she would remind me of things she has to - responsible as a wife. But now I got no wife to remind me. So macamana? Please do ask me to get one ok. Not now anyway. Or maybe not in this 2 or 3 years.

But I guess I have to remind myself to do good deeds as what Ky had reminded in the past. Allahualam.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Reminiscing the past with someone you love

Today is a public holiday and I took the kids to Ky's grave which is nearby our house.I don't know whether we could be considered lucky to have Ky's resting place which is so near to our home. Thus visiting her almost daily is not a problem. I took the opportunity to visit her at every chance I can grab. Even after work, if it's not raining and I came back early, I would pick up the kids available and went straight to the grave.

Ky had once told Ustazah Ida, which she informed us a day after Ky's passing, that she wants her children to read Yassin and Al Quran for her. She specifically told that she don't anybody to read Yassin or Tahlil at her grave. So we respect her will. Just sedekah Al Fatihah whenever we visited her. My children already knew that and they know what to do whenever I took them to see her mother. And today for the first time, I took Bibik along as she had never been to Ky's grave.

Every time I visited her grave, I felt empty inside me. I felt the loss more whenever I'm alone at her grave. It is difficult to explain to someone on how I felt. But I always remind myself to sedekah Al Fatihah for her whenever she came into my mind. Probably its not easy to just forget someone who have been with me for about 23 years. No it's not as easy as you might think. Her pictures are all over the house and in this computers. How could I forget as she is the mother of my 4 children. Her pictures with the children bring lots of memory to me. I will add her pictures later.

While I'm writing, the song "This one for you" by Barry Manilow is on. And this song so touching that I think I will download it and dedicated this song for Ky. Hey, I'm a sentimental person too ok.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Teringat Sayang diMalam yang Syahdu

Malam ni tiba-tiba teringat pada yang tersayang yang telah pergi dahulu menemui Allah lebih 2 minggu yang lalu. Tiba-tiba malam ni terasa rindu teramat sangat pada sayang yang telah bersama sejak 23 tahun yang lalu tapi pada malam ni hanya Abang seorang sahaja mengharungi kehidupan bersama-sama anak-anak kita ini.

We have known each other way back in 1983 when we first met during winter when I first step my foot in Western Michigan University, Kalamazoo, Michigan. At this time, alone in this quiet night bring back sweet memories especially during the good old days when we were courting each other. Probably people would say it "LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT". Probably it's true for her when she first saw me as a junior in college while she was already a senior there - in a hall full of Malaysian students - during the PERMAU game (Sukan Persatuan Pelajar Malaysia Amerika Utara). From thereon, and after 5 years of courting and 3 times of breaking off (there's a secret to it hahaha...) we got married in 1989.

Lots of pain and laughters were shared together. We have our ups and downs. We have our loves and hatred. We have our dreams that we were chasing together. We shared lots of things we did together and lots of things we did separately. We solved many difficulties together and also messed up things together. But love each and everyone of it. We were practically in love with each other either we say it or in silence. It is now history. Now I am alone with my kids. And now she is probably somewhere in garden of heaven looking at me blogging in the middle of the night trying to console myself after losing her. Tapi Allah Maha Berkuasa. He knows what is the best for her.

I redha pemergian nya menemui Illahi. She once said something like this to me "Allah tak akan beri dugaan kepada Hamba nya yang tak mampu menghadapi nya. Hanya orang-orang yang terpilih sahaja mampu menghadapi dugaan Allah". I guess it is very true for that matter. She was the chosen one. My sayang menghadapi nya dengan penuh tabah without lots of complaints. She always thinks of Allah all the time.

Alhamdullilah she was prepared for it. Allah had given her 4 years 7 months to be prepared before she was taken to Him. She was more religious than before. During the last Ramadan month, she never failed to performed Terawih at Surau nearby our home. She did sembahyang Tajud and taubah almost every night . She Khatam the Quran. To think of it, I believe that she had felt that her time is coming she did all the preparation as much as she can.

In fact 2 weeks before her passing, Ky told me "Bang, I feel that my body is weakening. I feel that my time is coming." I was in between astounded and sad. But that was a statement she had given me a few times already. I didn't know exactly what to say but I braved myself. "Yang, kalau if it's your time to go, I redhakan you pergi. Tapi you kena redhakan diri you pergi jugak." I know it's difficult to say but I have to say it anyway with tears rolling in my eyes. Believe me, it was the saddest things I had to say to her. Especially to someone that you really love and someone who had spend the rest of her life with you and now you know that she will be leaving you in no times. Only Allah knows how I felt that time.

Her passing was so easy and without much difficulties. To think of it, dia tak banyak menyusahkan her family and me. Unlike some people who were sick for months and even years. Hers was only about 2 weeks with one week she was practically bedridden.

I am also thankful to Allah for letting me taking care of her during her last days in this world. I don't feel regret as I believe I had done my duty as a husband taking care of her especially when she can't take care of herself.

Tonight I felt that she is somewhere near me - probably I already missed her. I love you sayang.

This song is specially dedicated to my Sayang whom I know loves me so much as I love her.

This is the last picture taken as a family at Gua Tempurung, Perak.
Acik was not in the picture because he was taking our pic.

This is the last pic we took together as a loving couple at
Lost World of Tambun, Ipoh about a month before her passing.

I will cherish her in my memory as long as I live.
This picture will never be the same ever again.

Monday, January 21, 2008

How about the children?

So many people ask me: "So how your children taking it?"

My common answer is: "Alhamdulillah, they are taking it well".

You see Ky had been sick for years and during the last one year when the cancer had affected her liver (which means that death could occur in the next few months), we have prepared my children. In fact, Ky's personal doctor cum mentor and happen to be her schoolmate, Dr. Pang, had personally counselled my children at her clinic. She spoke to them beginning with the 2 elder boys and then the 2 younger boy and girl.

Over time, I had personally told my children to be prepared for whatever will happen. They knew that Ky's health was deteriorating. In fact 2 weeks before Ky's passing, I got all my children together and told them what to expect.

"Mak tengah sakit kuat dan mungkin dah tak lama lagi dengan kita. Jadi awaksemua mesti tawakal apa akan jadi. Ayah taknak Emak risau tentang awaksemua. Kalau emak pergi pun, ayah ada kat sini. Apa-apa hal beritahu ayah, ok". I told them.

I also told all my boys to read Yassin and AlQuran besides Ky when she could hardly knows whose who around her. They also say Shahadah or Allah continuously beside their mothers so that Ky could hear it.

In fact, during Ky's last breath, they were beside her. They saw Ky's passing in front of their very own eyes. I believe that they had redha Ky's passing and so have I.

And because I had prepare them earlier over time, Alhamdulillah they can take it for now. The boys seems ok. Only Mimi once awhile would say that she misses her mom. How couldn't she? She was with her mom almost all the time. She bathe and eats with Ky. Sleeps besides Ky. And she do everything with her mom. Now without Ky, I have to take this role. And for now Mimi have accepted the fact that Mom is no more around.

Whenever I or the kids can, we will visit her grave. In fact during the first week, I never fail to go to her grave. I bundled the kids in my car whenever they are around and went together. Ky have mentioned that whenever we go to visit her, she don't want us to read Yassin or Tahlil at her grave. Only sedekah Alfatihah to her, especially from her children. And we did just that.

Friday, January 18, 2008

So what's your plan now?

Somebody asked me, what is my plan now? I reply with sacastic tone , "what plan?". "Ya lah Ky kan dah takde.". Well I have anticipate this sort of question will be asked and I'm prepared to give an answer.

"I will take care of my children on my own. I will now be their father and mother. Insyaallah with the helps of you guys, I can do it." I guess that answer will terminate any other further questions they have in mind.

Hmm.. to think of it, yes I will take care of my own children. Why should other people do it for me? I'm lucky to have the same Bibik for the last 16 years and she too can assist me taking care of my kids. Afterall she was the one who took care of them since they were born and was around to nurse them when both of us were working. I'm grateful that she is still with us seeing my kids from birth to teenager now.

The kids too have to adapt to this new environment without their mom. Ky used to bable a lot when the kids did what is not supposed to be done or didn't do what they are suppose to do - out of mothers love. She told the kids that "Mak buat ni sebab mak sayang kat awak semua". "Kalau mak tak sayang, mak buat tak tau aje". Being kids, opinion of parents don't really gets into their heads.

Now with mom not around, it left me to deal with them. Now I told them that there are big enough to think what is good and what is bad for them. They will have to face the consequences should they decide to do the wrong thing. And I will not help them if they get into trouble. (Cakap aje kan, tapi bila dah terjadi, kita lah orang pertama yang kena tolong dia orang. Kalau tidak sape lagi kan.)

So for now, you won't see any female character in my life except for my sisters, my sisters in law and probably my already good friends whom we have befriends while Ky was still around. Banyak lagi perkara nak difikirkan and getting another female character is not my priority right now.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Thank You People

There are so many people that help me and arwah Ky when she was sick at home. There were too many people who came to visit her especially a week before she passed away. Allow me to pen down my heartfelt gratitude to these people - whom had made my difficulties lighter and whose visit had in one way or another gave some hope to us.

My sisters-in-law: Minah, Bi, Hindun, Ijah & Kak Imah. They practically have been camping in my house. They came in the morning and left late at night just to take care of their little sister, Ky. I'm blessed to have sisters-in-law like them who always been there even when I wasn't around to take care of Ky. They practically leave their family for a while to be around us. My brothers-in-law: Long and Abg Ad were there too almost everyday.

My brothers-out-law: Uncle Joe, Abg Leman, Abg Kahar who actually been there almost a week in my house - taking care of the grocery and being the host when I was too tired to layan all of them. My gratitude to Uncle Joe who made the funeral arrangement without hitch. And also those who went to the police station to report the death and got the burial permit.
And to Amir who works in Kerteh but managed to be with us whenever he can. My sister-out-law : Kak Illah and Kak Long. Kak Long especially were there reading Yassin almost every other hour and be a Ky bedside. Kak Illah - she's also not well having cancer herself, but brave enough to be with us.
Note: I quote them as brothers and sisters-out-law (and we always agreed on this term). They are actually my "biras". So out-law is a better choice of word!

To all my sisters and brothers - who have understood my predicaments and treating Ky well. During Ky's illness it happened that one of my sister were hospitalised and they took turn to take care of my sister. To my mom who would always asked for Ky's wellbeing whenever I visited her. To her, Ky is her best daughter-in-law.

Dr. Felicia and Registered Nurse Faezah
from Hospis Malaysia. Faezah especially would visit Ky regularly passed few months. They are specialised in palliative care - caring for terminally ill patients. They knew what the best medicines to prescribe Ky - including Morphine as pain killer. To me Dr. Felicia, besides being a doctor, she also knows how to counsel and talk nicely to patients and care-takers. (unfortunately there are Oncologist in the Govt. hospital, that I really believe need to take courses on how to deal/counsel with sick people - well that's another story). Faezah - I really respect her for her job. She'll be in our house -just a phone call away - eventhough she was on leave.

Ayu (Edayu) - to me she is an amazing girl. She knew how to take care of Ky. She had experience taking care of her mother who died of cancer as well. She even took care of her close friend also died of cancer (her friend was diagnosed of cancer while she was pregnant). Ayu too care of them althought she has work to go to. Ayu practically be with us whenever she can. She slept at my house (even on the floor) to take care of Ky. She knew how to give morphine injection when I, myself was a bit scared to do it. She changed and cleaned up Ky.
She's so soft spoken and handle Ky so nicely.She reads Yassin when ever she can. My sisters-in-law by then had accepted her as one of our family members. I do not know how to repay her for what she has done for us. Only Allah know how to repay her kindness.

Rohana Mohktar- another lady that I can't repay her kindness. We knew her thru' our business. She also goes to Kelas Tafsir Quran and Mengaji with Ky. I know she always kept in touch with Ky especially when she knows Ky need someone to talk too. Rohana was there whenever she can leaving her husband and kids sometimes to be at my house - to read Yassin and pray for her. In one night, she reads Quran until 2.00 am in the morning. I was later infomred that she reads the Quran till 2.00 am because she can't be with us the next day due to some comittment. What a reason - I was astounded when I heard it.

Zul & Fathiah - we knew this couple more than 20 years. They are our upline diamonds in the business. Peter & Petulia - our downline Founders Platinum. They are practically like our own family. They were there almost everyday. Came in the morning and only leave past mid-nights. Always there asking me what they can do to help out. I later found out that they are they people who send messages to the rest of our uplines, downlines and crosslines - on Ky's situation. That's why I received hundreds of sms from everywhere.

Besides these close relatives and friends, there are people who were people including those friends from Ky's primary school, secondary school, our college mates in the Western Michigan University, Ky's military colleague, people from Damansara Specialist Hospital (where Ky used to work there for awhile), her kelas mengaji friends, our networkers friends and many more people who knew us.

My special gratitudes to:

Lt Kol Sabrina & Kol Hud (Nurulhuda) - they were Ky's close friends in the military. By the way, Ky is the first Pyschologist in the Malaysian army. Something that I'm proud of. She was the only Malaysian lady officer
sent to Somalia during the war many years back. Thru' Lt Kol Sabrina & Kol Hud, many more army officers from Captain to the Generals (including the 1st Lady General) and even the Panglima Tentera Darat came to visit her. There are also army officers who doesn't know Ky personally but came because they had heard so much of Ky's contribution to the army. I was amazed and touched by their attendance. Later I that Ky had somehow had touched their hearts.

These army officers told me that should I need anything, just them know and they will come to assist us in the funeral arrangement. I reluctantly decline their offer because I felt that we could use our Surau's funeral arrangement. Afterall, we are in their Kariah.

My gratitude to DYTM Tengku Puan Pahang, Tengku Azizah Maimunah Sultan Iskandar, who came to visit Ky despite of her schedule. She was from Kuantan, Pahang on the way to the airport to Bangkok. She brought her 4 childrens together to visit Ky. She even had the time to read the Yassin for her. Of course she came with her entourage of out riders. She left after about half-an-hour with Ky. For that I respected her. She used to go to school together with Ky in SIGS Johore Bahru. The last time she saw her was at her wedding with Tengku Mahkota Pahang many years back but she still remembers Ky well.

Ezzah Aziz Fawzy of TV3 (Ky's school friend in SIGS) is also our long time friend. She was at our house as well. Ezzah was at our house to help receive Tengku Puan Pahang as she too knew her.

Not forgetting our neighbours especially Yuhanis & Zarina, Hamzah & Nora, Pak Abu & Kak Idah and many other whom I can't remember their names. I was surprise by their help and ever willing to help-attitude. All this while, it was just a "Hi" and "Apa khabar?" cliche whenever we meet while we were passing thru the street. But during that time, these are the people who arrange for the baca yassin with the people from the surau. They cooked for us and even arrange the meals at their respective houses. I'm blesse to be in this neighbourhood.

There are many countless other people who had been there for me and my family during our bereavement. Only Allah knows how to repay their kindness to me.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Mimi mimpi mak

Since the day Ky passed away, we never failed to read Yassin for her. Either in groups or within just us family members.

So yesterday, after Maghrib prayers, after my kids and I sembahyang berjemaah, we started to read the Yassin.

Mimi sat down with me and told me; "Ayah semalam Mimi mimpi mak." That's was the second time she told me she dreamt of her mom. The first time was a couple of days after Ky's passing.

So I asked her; "Mak macamana?". Now my boys start to listen to their kid sister. "Muka mak lawa sangat. Mak pakai telekung putih berkilat-kilat macam ada banyak diamond". My reaction was ; "Iya ka? Apa mak kata lagi?" "Mak kata tiap-tiap malam mak datang cium anak-anak dia. Mak ikut abang-abang pergi mana-mana."

"Tempat mak macamana?" My curiosity developed further. "Mak kat taman yang cantik sangat. Susah Mimi nak cakap." She reply.

So I told Mimi and the rest of my boys, "kalau sayang emak sedekahkan mak Al Fatihah. Sebab itu kita kena bacakan Yassin untuk mak ok.Nanti kalau ayah pulak takde, buat jugak untuk ayah pulak ok."

(Along now 17, now waiting for his (Alhamdullilah we finished reading the Yassin. I'm glad that my boys AizuddinSPM result), Aizat (Angah 15 form 4) and AdibAcik just turned 12 now in Form 1) can read Quran fluently. So reading Yassin is no problem for them. As for Mimi, she just sat besides me listening us reading the Yassin because she have not Khatam quran yet and not as fluent.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Takziah and Condolences

From now onwards, I'll try to write on things related to the events when Ky passed away.

I received lots of condolences personally from individuals who attended the funerals and also sms I received from all over. On Saturday itself, I've received almost hundreds of smses but I didn't retrieve them until the next day when I was a bit free.

Below are some of the smses that I received and I have kept. For rememberance sake, I write them down here and then I can delete it from my HP. The inbox is already full and have no more space for incoming smses. Some of these people I had not known personnaly but they knew us in some places and functions. These will be part of my memories and something that I can ponder on.

Dear Azam, Please accept our sincere condolence for the loss of Rokiah. Her beautiful spirits will always live in our hearts. Ivan & Cassandra (Singapore)

Salam Azam. Roslan here. Just heard from Fathiah & Rohana. Dina & I offer our condolences. Sabar banyak2 and be strong my friends especially for your kids. If there is any consolation, she has has gone to meet our creator, Allah s.a.w. Moga2 roh arwah di cucuri rahmat dan diletakkan di kalangan solehin. Amin. Roslan (Kota Kinabalu)

Hi Azam. We are sorry to hear Rokiah has left us. She'll be in good hands. Do take care yourself and your children and be strong. They need you more now. Our sincere condolences to you and your family. Cliff & Shirley (Singapore)

Azam. Fathiah just informed us of Ky's passing. Our deepest condolences to you and your family. Ky was a wonderful role model and she'll always lives in our hearts. Love and light. Brigid & Wan Zainal (Singapore)

Takziah dari kami sekeluarga. Kami turut bersedih bersama kamu, harap kamu bersabar dan redha dankami berdoa semoga Allah memberi rahmat keatas roh nya. Abg De (Labuan)

We are sorry to hear about your loss. Regards. Kumar & Janet (Singapore)

Salam En Azam. Takziah dari Hairi sekeluarga. Moga rohnya dicucuri rahmat. Amin. Hairi (my staff Proton Shah Alam)

Takziah dari kami sekeluarga. Semoga Allah mencucuri rahmatnya. Azlan Husen (ex-colleague Kajang)

Assalamualaikum Azam. Salam takziah kepada keluarga Allahyarhamah Rokiah atas pemergiannya yg tak diduga. Semoga rohnya dicucuri rahmat subhannallahtaalah. Hassan & Liza (Singapore)

My Takziah to Azam & your kids for the loss of a wife and a mother. I will always remember Ky as the most positive, bright, energetic and can-do person. That's why Ky with the blessed of Allah lasted this long. She is with Allah now and let's pray for her. Ashraf & family.

Assalamulaikum. Takziah & harap bersabar. Azman Md Nor (PPC Proton)

Please accept my deepest condolence for your great loss of your wife Ky. Semoga roh Ky dicucuri rahmat. Let me know if I can help you in any way.Al Fathihah. Sam (old friend)

Our deepest symphaties & heartfelt condolences to you & your family. May her soul rest in peace. Joan & Jerry (Kota Kinabalu)

Takziah dari saya dan Keluarga serta seluruh pegawai dan anggota tentera. Doa kami mengiringi beliau. Banyak bersabar dan tenang. Saya tak hadir kerana sekarang berada diluar kena siapkan tugas nak kena submit monday. Maaf. Mejar Zainal (Ky's ex-military colleague)

I'm saddened by the news. Be tough my friend. Andak Kamarulzaman (my best friend).

Takziah. Wak Zamani

Hi Azam. Our condolences to you and your family for the loss of your wife. She has been an inspiration to us. David & Rhu Min (Singapore)

Takziah. Semoga roh Ky dicucuri rajmat Allah. Banyakkan doa dan bersabar. Alfatihah. Azivik

Azam. My deepest condolences to you and family on Ky's passing. Oy Len

Hi Azam. We are thinking of you and family during this difficult time. Take care and God bless you. May you find peace. You and Ky are very special to us. Regards. Chin Kuan & Terry (Subang Jaya)

Our condolences on demise of your beloved wife Rokiah. God blkess her soul. Patricia Don Chowdhurie (Singapore)

Innalillahi wa-innailahi raajiun. Takziah dari kami sekeluarga. Al Fatihah. Tifli (my ex-boss) (Shah Alam)

Assalamualaikum Azam. Salam takziah diatas pemergian Allahyarhamah Rokiah. Kami berdoa agar rohnya berada dikalangan solihin. Salam dari Ramzi, Kuyah & famili.(This couple went to Umrah together with us)

Takziah semoga rohnya di redhai Allah. Noh (Proton)

Hi Azam. Takziah from both of us. So sorry to hear about it. Kami doakan semoga roh allahyarhamah dirahmati Allah sentiasa. Dari Marsitah & Mazufi (ex-officemate)

Sorry to hear the sad news. My deepest condolence to you and your family. My thought are with you although I am not there with you. Al Fatihah. Wan Faridah (current officemate)

Moga dia ditempatkan di kalangan orang yang soleh. Amin. Ezzah Aziz Fawzy (TV3) (Ky's ex-schoolmate and also close friend)

Dear Azam. Ucapan takziah kepada saudara sekeluarga atas permergian isteri tersayang. Moga rohnya dicucuri rahmat Allah s.w.t. Ikhlas dari Zaid (MD's office)

Azam. Takziah atas kembalinya isteri kerahmahtullah. Allahyang maha penyayang. Kita doakan kebaikan semuanya. Datuk Maruan (ex-boss)

Salam Azam. Takziah atas pemerghian wife you. Semoga rohnya dicucuri rahmat dan bersama-sama dengan para shuhadah. Amin. Norbi (ICT Proton)

Assalamulaikum. Takziah atas kembalinya ke rahmahtullah isteri tuan. Semoga di rahmati Allah dan beserta orang yang solehah. Amin. Khari & keluarga

May we offer our deepest condolences to you and your family. We share your sorrow. James & Mary (Johor Bharu)

Saya ucapkan takziah semoga rohnya didalam golongan solehah. Saya masih teringat sewaktu umrah bersama. Maaf tak dapat ziarah malam ni. Norhalim Sirome (Proton)

Innalillah wainna illahi rojiun. Semoga Allah menempatkan rohnya bersama para shuhadah dan solehin. Take care. Amir & Sherilla (Subang Jaya)

Takziah bos. Maaf tak dapat hadir. Masih di Pahang. Insyaallha saya singgah esok. En Haris & kawan-kawan lain kirim salam. Azlee (ex-office colleage).

Just heard the news about Ky.
Innalillah wainna illahi rojiun. You have done the best you could for her. Wan Nadzri (Proton)

Dear Azam. We are deeply sorry to hear about Rokiah's passing. She was a lovely person who touched so many lives. We miss her already. We'llhold you and family our thoughts and prayers. Please accept our deepest sympathy. Farouk & Melati

Takziah diucapkan dan semoga beliau ditempatkan dikalangan orang yang beriman. Alfatihah. Asri & keluarga (Proton Edar)

Azam. I nak ucapkan takziah. Semoga roh arwah di cucuri rahmat dan tempatkan dikalangan orang soleh. Sabar. Aznan (Penang)

My condolence to you and your family. Kamarul (PJ)

Sorry to hear about Rokiah. May she be with all the saint and blessed by God. We trust that you and family are in great health and peace. Love. Yap and Feng Ling (Sabah)

Dear Azam. Deepest condolence. Millan Leong (Terry's father) (Taiping)

Takziah diucapkan diatas pemergian allahyarhamah Ky. Semoga roh allahyarhamah dicucuri rahmatnya. Insyaallah. Syed Hamid & Sharifah Talha.

Shah & I ucap takziah. Nik Aliena (ex-colleague)

The good Lord always knows what is best for us. May he give you and your loved ones the strength to bear this loss. My heartfelt condolences. Helen Mirandah (Johor Bahru)

Innalillah wainna illahi rojiun. Semoga rohnya ditempatkan bersama-sama orang yang soleh. Anonymous.

Assalamualaikum. Takziah diatas pemergian orang tersayang kerahmahtullah. Semoga rohnya ditempatkan bersama-sama orang yang beriman. Padzil (CBU Logistic Proton)

Innalillahwainna illahirajiun. Semoga rohnya ditempatkan bersama-sama orang yang solehah. Ajie & suami (ex-colleague and blogger)

Assalamualaikum. Semoga abang Azam dan sekeluarga tabah menerima ujian yang besar dari Allah. Saya doakan semoga roh Allahyarhamah Puan Rokiah tergolong orang-orang yang beriman. Amin. Ustaz Habib (ustaz who used to teach my children Al-Quran) (Melaka)

Assalamualaikum Azam. Takziah saya ucapkan. Semoga rohnya diberkati Allah. Johari Ismail (GM PPC, Proton)

Just heard the sad news. Ucapkan takziah kepada saudara Azam dan keluarga. Semoga tabah dan kuat semangat. Al Fathihah. Laila (CPD Proton)

Azam. My Condolences. Sha & Lina

Dearest Azam. Please accept our deepest condolences on the passing of Rokiah. She wil be missed by all those whom she has touched. George & Belinda (Kota Kinabalu)

Our deepest condolence to you and family on the demise of your dear wife Kiky.Gone but not forgetten. Semoga rohnya dicucuri rahmat dan ditempatkan bersama-sama orang yang beriman. Letifah Hj Fathi (WMU Alumni) (Kucing Sarawak)

My deepest sympathies and hearfelt condolences to you on the demise of your beloved wife. Danny Lim Toh (Sabah)

Azam. Salam takziah. Semoga roh Kiky
dicucuri rahmat dan ditempatkan bersama-sama orang yang beriman. And may you face this challenge with strength and courage. Lina Atan (WMU Alumni)

En Azam. Takziah dan bersabarlah. Sesungguhnya Allah itu maha mengetahui.
Semoga roh nya dicucuri rahmat. Shukri Omar ( PC KD - Proton)

Our deepest sympathies and hearfelt condolences for the bereavement of your dearest wife. May her soul rest in peace. Richard and Mag (Kota Kinabalu)

Assalamualaikum and my deepest condolence to you and familyon Cu's sudden demise. My apology for not being able to come back to KL to visit. Khairy and family (nephew - Kuala Terengganu)

Our condolence. She is my good friend and help me a lot. Al Fatihah. Lt. Kol Kenali (ex-army colleague - Johor Bahru)

Salam. Al Fatihah. En Azam. Takziah dari Kak Tim and family. Redhakan pemergiannya. Allah menyayanginya. Mejar (B) Fatimah. (ex-army colleague)

There is nothing for anyone to pay back. Else we need accountants to keep debts of love etc. Love was always unconditional as Keng Seng received from many too. Ky gave unconditionally even when she was scared. Our spirits met last Saturday and yesterday. She is lovely and so are you. Take time to love yourself and kids. That is so important now. Li Choo (one of Ky's close friend who had been keeping in touch with her)

The above are amongst the messages I received during and after Ky's passing. I couldn't help but tears flow when I read these messages from everywhere. I stood back and thought that these people who have send me condolence messages are people who care for us. These are the people whose lives have would have been touched by Ky in one way or another. If not, I don't think that they would think of us or even if they knew of Ky's passing, they wouldn't care anyway. I guess my wife, Ky had touched many people's lives.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Al Fatihah - Rokiah Mohamed (Kiky) 26.10.1960 ~ 5.1.2008

I don't know where to start. I have not been updating this block since my last posting on 28 Dec 2007. Since that day, her health had been deteriorating fast. She hardly have any appetite to eat. Makan bubur nasi pun dua tiga sudu, lepas tu tak lalu lagi. Toasted bread pun tak lalu makan. Dr. Felicia from Hospis told me that due to the enlarged liver, it had compressed the stomach, thus she always felt that her tummy is full.

She was always in pain at the abdominal area - stomach pain, back pain day and night - kesian tengok dia. She hardly have good rested sleep at night and always woke up in the middle of the night to take some pain killer. She was already taking morphine as pain killer - in tablet form or liquid. And lately before she passed away, we have to inject it under the skin for her to relief from pain.

Friday 28 December 2007 :
I called Faizah of Hospis Malaysia if we could borrow their bed so that Kiky can lie on that bed. Earlier I told Ayu ( a very close friend of us who had taken care of her ailing mother and took care of another close - both died of cancer) about me buying a single bed for Ky but she suggested to get it from Hospis. After Hospis can lend the reclinable hospital bed and it is easy Ky to sleep and and easy for us to take care of her.

Wednesday 2 January 2008:
Dr. Felicia and Reg, Nurse Faizah came to check on Ky.We have called her earlier because Ky have been complaining about her pain and she wanted to do the "tapping" of fluid from her stomach.

After checking, Dr Felicia had mentioned that Ky's health had deteriorate fast. Water had already gone into her lungs - that's is why she had breathing difficulty. Dr. Felicia talked to me personally that maybe Ky's time is coming nearer. She told me to get all the family member to come and that we should be prepare for the worst to come.

As Ky could not sleep due to the pain, Dr. Felicia prescribed a sleeping pill, only taken when necessary.

Thursday 3 January 2008 :
We have been taking turn to take care of Ky at night just in case.... We took turn to read Yassin and Al Quran - so that she can hear all the good things. Ida (Ky's very close friend and an Ustazah) said that we can turn on the Quran CD if there is no one who are able to read it at night. I was so sleepy that night and I slept beside her, while taking care of her at the same time.

At 3.00 am, Ky woke me up and said that she was in pain (although we had give her liquid morphine and hour before). I asked her whether she want to take the sleeping pill. When she agreed, I gave her one table so that she can rest.

Till 11.00 am she didn't even wake up and that panicked me. Called Faizah about it and she told me to wait for another couple of hours. After 13 hours, Ky woke up but hardly can speak. We spooned her with Air Yassin and Air Zamzam. She was already weak because she did not take solid food by now except some fruit juices that she sip using straw.

As she woke up, we asked whether she could do Maghrib prayers. Alhamdullilah she could, in her own way. Kalau dah darurat dan sakit, sembahyang baring pun takpe - that's is what Ida told us.

After Maghrib, Ky requested that she moved back to over upstairs bedroom. I told her if she could move slowly, I could carried her upstairs. Alhamdulillah, with her strength, we got her upstairs.

Friday 4 January 2008 :
Ky could hardly wakes up. She would fell asleep probably due to the morphine she is taking. By now, Faizah (nurse) had inserted a tubing under her skin so that we can regularly inject morphine for Ky.

Since the last one week, people come from near and afar, came visiting Ky - day and night. Yassin and Al Quran were read regularly without stop. I also asked my children to read Yassin and Al Quran near her mom so that she could hear them reading. Along, Angah and me had non-stop taking turn to say prayers, shahadah to her ears. That's is what we should do to people who are dying - it's this time that satan is also trying to pull her to the other side.

Saturday 5 January 2008:
3.00 am. Everyone was sounds asleep. I took turn to take care of my beloved wife. I know she is in pain and had been on bed for almost 1 week now. Her back is a bit sore and sweaty. I don't know if I could say it a miracle. Between Ky and me, she now could turn herself one one side on her own. I could then fan her back for some air and rub her back slowly. Usually a couple of us slowly turn her on one side. She did twice. She hugged me while I was sitting next to her.

and I whispered to her ear and told her "Kalau I ada rezeki nanti, I akan pergi Hajibuatkan Haji untuk you sekali" and she nodded as sign of approval. Ky had always wanted to go for Haj but due to financial and health reason, we can't do it this year. Now I promise buat Haji untuk dia Insyaallah.

When she felt asleep, I let her rest till Subuh prayers - then I myself get some rest.

Visitors kept coming in as early as 8.00am.

At about 10.00am, my sister-in-law called me as Ky had called for me. I went up. Ky mumbled some word that I could barely hear. "Balik"....."balik". Being an ignorant soul, I told her we are already at home. Nak balik mana lagi? An hour later again she said.. "nak balik". I told her that she is not in the hospital but at home. At one time she mentioned, "mengapa balik lambat sangat?" Little that I know that she meant that it's time for her to go.

She also said "Khatam". So my boys and Ky's siblings by now read satu Juz Quran seorang so that they will Khatam the Quran. Again little that we know, her time has come. Masyaallah.

At about 3.00 pm,its was time for her Morphine to be injected but some how I felt that her time is coming and I refuse to let Ayu to inject the morphine.

Dr. Pang, one of her our friend came to visit as she has heard about Ky's condition getting worse. After looking at Ky, she pulled us aside and told us that it's rare that she sees someone who is gasping for air like Ky, for more than 2 days. She asked me what had kept her holding .. I don't know!

At about 3.45pm,Ky tried to pull out the oxygen tube from her nose. I told her if she wants it removed. She nodded. And I got the oxygen tube out.

Fathiah was telling me who else didn't come or couldn't come to see Ky. I told her that only my wheelchair-bound bedridden mom have not come to see Ky, of course due obvious reason. But I already to my sister to tell my mom to lafazkan ampun dan maaf untuk Ky. And she already did that. So after some thought and dengan kuasa Allah, I called my sister and told her to get the phone to my mom and on my side I put my HP on Ky's ear and on loudspeaker mode so that both can hear each other. I coach my mom to say and she did said what Ky neede to hear. "Ky mak ampun kan dosa Ky dan mak halalkan makan minum Ky. Mak pun minta maaf pada Ky." I guess that is what Ky wanted to hear.

About 4.00pm, Ky is already gasping for air. Me and my children were already beside her saying Shahadah and ALLAH, ALLAH, ALLAH. And Ky mumble Allah too. After 3 times gasping for breath ........... she went peacefully. She passed away at 4.05 pm.

I couldn't contained myself. Everybody was crying but I have to brave myself. My children are all that I care for now. I'm afraid if they can't take it. Alhamdulillah, till now they are ok. I have prepared them to expect the worst. After 4 years and 7 months of looking at their mom, I told them we have to redha for her to go. She had seen their mom suffer the pain of cancer and that now their mom had been relief of the pain.

Her body was cleaned and she was changed. Her jenazah was carried downstair so that everyone can ziarah her for the last time.

By 6.00 pm, kereta jenazah had arrive to take her body for cleansing and kafankan at the surau. Reaching surau, the ladies took charge and mandikan jenazah.

By 7.05 pm, jenazah dah dimandikan and dikafan kan - just in time for Maghrib. After solat Maghrib, sembahyang jenazah di lakukan. It was raining outside, but alhamdullillah when the jenazah was on the way to kubur, the rain stop.

By azan Isyak, the burial was almost completed. It was such a fast and smooth ceremony as we had planned. Alhamdulillah, everythig went well. Some people said that itu rezeki arwah .. semua berjalan lancar dan cepat dan tiada halangan.

Slightly after 9.00 pm, I went home and there still many people came to our house. Some not not knowing that the jenazah dah dikebumikan. We didn't do any tahlil that night as arwah did mentioned to me that she don't want any talkin or tahlil for her. We did baca Yassin for her every following days for one week - between family members of both sides, neighbours and jemaah surau, my close friends and many more.

Only after mid-note most of them had left except for my family members, who slept at my house - dia orang dah berkampung kat rumah I.

Mimi and Acik slept with me as they have always been. I can still imagine Ky sleeping on the bed and me taking care of her, her smell was still in the air, I can stil felt as if she is presence in the room. I never felt scared or anything - I felt more of missing her. Alhamdulillah I can still be myself eventhough she has left us forever - probably because I had redha her leaving us and she herself had redha leaving us as well to be with Allah. Allahualam.

I write more of her later. Meanwhile sedekahkan lah Al Fatihah for Arwah Rokiah Mohamed. Wassalam