Al Fatihah - Rokiah Mohamed (Kiky) 26.10.1960 ~ 5.1.2008

I don't know where to start. I have not been updating this block since my last posting on 28 Dec 2007. Since that day, her health had been deteriorating fast. She hardly have any appetite to eat. Makan bubur nasi pun dua tiga sudu, lepas tu tak lalu lagi. Toasted bread pun tak lalu makan. Dr. Felicia from Hospis told me that due to the enlarged liver, it had compressed the stomach, thus she always felt that her tummy is full.

She was always in pain at the abdominal area - stomach pain, back pain day and night - kesian tengok dia. She hardly have good rested sleep at night and always woke up in the middle of the night to take some pain killer. She was already taking morphine as pain killer - in tablet form or liquid. And lately before she passed away, we have to inject it under the skin for her to relief from pain.

Friday 28 December 2007 :
I called Faizah of Hospis Malaysia if we could borrow their bed so that Kiky can lie on that bed. Earlier I told Ayu ( a very close friend of us who had taken care of her ailing mother and took care of another close - both died of cancer) about me buying a single bed for Ky but she suggested to get it from Hospis. After Hospis can lend the reclinable hospital bed and it is easy Ky to sleep and and easy for us to take care of her.

Wednesday 2 January 2008:
Dr. Felicia and Reg, Nurse Faizah came to check on Ky.We have called her earlier because Ky have been complaining about her pain and she wanted to do the "tapping" of fluid from her stomach.

After checking, Dr Felicia had mentioned that Ky's health had deteriorate fast. Water had already gone into her lungs - that's is why she had breathing difficulty. Dr. Felicia talked to me personally that maybe Ky's time is coming nearer. She told me to get all the family member to come and that we should be prepare for the worst to come.

As Ky could not sleep due to the pain, Dr. Felicia prescribed a sleeping pill, only taken when necessary.

Thursday 3 January 2008 :
We have been taking turn to take care of Ky at night just in case.... We took turn to read Yassin and Al Quran - so that she can hear all the good things. Ida (Ky's very close friend and an Ustazah) said that we can turn on the Quran CD if there is no one who are able to read it at night. I was so sleepy that night and I slept beside her, while taking care of her at the same time.

At 3.00 am, Ky woke me up and said that she was in pain (although we had give her liquid morphine and hour before). I asked her whether she want to take the sleeping pill. When she agreed, I gave her one table so that she can rest.

Till 11.00 am she didn't even wake up and that panicked me. Called Faizah about it and she told me to wait for another couple of hours. After 13 hours, Ky woke up but hardly can speak. We spooned her with Air Yassin and Air Zamzam. She was already weak because she did not take solid food by now except some fruit juices that she sip using straw.

As she woke up, we asked whether she could do Maghrib prayers. Alhamdullilah she could, in her own way. Kalau dah darurat dan sakit, sembahyang baring pun takpe - that's is what Ida told us.

After Maghrib, Ky requested that she moved back to over upstairs bedroom. I told her if she could move slowly, I could carried her upstairs. Alhamdulillah, with her strength, we got her upstairs.

Friday 4 January 2008 :
Ky could hardly wakes up. She would fell asleep probably due to the morphine she is taking. By now, Faizah (nurse) had inserted a tubing under her skin so that we can regularly inject morphine for Ky.

Since the last one week, people come from near and afar, came visiting Ky - day and night. Yassin and Al Quran were read regularly without stop. I also asked my children to read Yassin and Al Quran near her mom so that she could hear them reading. Along, Angah and me had non-stop taking turn to say prayers, shahadah to her ears. That's is what we should do to people who are dying - it's this time that satan is also trying to pull her to the other side.

Saturday 5 January 2008:
3.00 am. Everyone was sounds asleep. I took turn to take care of my beloved wife. I know she is in pain and had been on bed for almost 1 week now. Her back is a bit sore and sweaty. I don't know if I could say it a miracle. Between Ky and me, she now could turn herself one one side on her own. I could then fan her back for some air and rub her back slowly. Usually a couple of us slowly turn her on one side. She did twice. She hugged me while I was sitting next to her.

and I whispered to her ear and told her "Kalau I ada rezeki nanti, I akan pergi Hajibuatkan Haji untuk you sekali" and she nodded as sign of approval. Ky had always wanted to go for Haj but due to financial and health reason, we can't do it this year. Now I promise buat Haji untuk dia Insyaallah.

When she felt asleep, I let her rest till Subuh prayers - then I myself get some rest.

Visitors kept coming in as early as 8.00am.

At about 10.00am, my sister-in-law called me as Ky had called for me. I went up. Ky mumbled some word that I could barely hear. "Balik"....."balik". Being an ignorant soul, I told her we are already at home. Nak balik mana lagi? An hour later again she said.. "nak balik". I told her that she is not in the hospital but at home. At one time she mentioned, "mengapa balik lambat sangat?" Little that I know that she meant that it's time for her to go.

She also said "Khatam". So my boys and Ky's siblings by now read satu Juz Quran seorang so that they will Khatam the Quran. Again little that we know, her time has come. Masyaallah.

At about 3.00 pm,its was time for her Morphine to be injected but some how I felt that her time is coming and I refuse to let Ayu to inject the morphine.

Dr. Pang, one of her our friend came to visit as she has heard about Ky's condition getting worse. After looking at Ky, she pulled us aside and told us that it's rare that she sees someone who is gasping for air like Ky, for more than 2 days. She asked me what had kept her holding .. I don't know!

At about 3.45pm,Ky tried to pull out the oxygen tube from her nose. I told her if she wants it removed. She nodded. And I got the oxygen tube out.

Fathiah was telling me who else didn't come or couldn't come to see Ky. I told her that only my wheelchair-bound bedridden mom have not come to see Ky, of course due obvious reason. But I already to my sister to tell my mom to lafazkan ampun dan maaf untuk Ky. And she already did that. So after some thought and dengan kuasa Allah, I called my sister and told her to get the phone to my mom and on my side I put my HP on Ky's ear and on loudspeaker mode so that both can hear each other. I coach my mom to say and she did said what Ky neede to hear. "Ky mak ampun kan dosa Ky dan mak halalkan makan minum Ky. Mak pun minta maaf pada Ky." I guess that is what Ky wanted to hear.

About 4.00pm, Ky is already gasping for air. Me and my children were already beside her saying Shahadah and ALLAH, ALLAH, ALLAH. And Ky mumble Allah too. After 3 times gasping for breath ........... she went peacefully. She passed away at 4.05 pm.

I couldn't contained myself. Everybody was crying but I have to brave myself. My children are all that I care for now. I'm afraid if they can't take it. Alhamdulillah, till now they are ok. I have prepared them to expect the worst. After 4 years and 7 months of looking at their mom, I told them we have to redha for her to go. She had seen their mom suffer the pain of cancer and that now their mom had been relief of the pain.

Her body was cleaned and she was changed. Her jenazah was carried downstair so that everyone can ziarah her for the last time.

By 6.00 pm, kereta jenazah had arrive to take her body for cleansing and kafankan at the surau. Reaching surau, the ladies took charge and mandikan jenazah.

By 7.05 pm, jenazah dah dimandikan and dikafan kan - just in time for Maghrib. After solat Maghrib, sembahyang jenazah di lakukan. It was raining outside, but alhamdullillah when the jenazah was on the way to kubur, the rain stop.

By azan Isyak, the burial was almost completed. It was such a fast and smooth ceremony as we had planned. Alhamdulillah, everythig went well. Some people said that itu rezeki arwah .. semua berjalan lancar dan cepat dan tiada halangan.

Slightly after 9.00 pm, I went home and there still many people came to our house. Some not not knowing that the jenazah dah dikebumikan. We didn't do any tahlil that night as arwah did mentioned to me that she don't want any talkin or tahlil for her. We did baca Yassin for her every following days for one week - between family members of both sides, neighbours and jemaah surau, my close friends and many more.

Only after mid-note most of them had left except for my family members, who slept at my house - dia orang dah berkampung kat rumah I.

Mimi and Acik slept with me as they have always been. I can still imagine Ky sleeping on the bed and me taking care of her, her smell was still in the air, I can stil felt as if she is presence in the room. I never felt scared or anything - I felt more of missing her. Alhamdulillah I can still be myself eventhough she has left us forever - probably because I had redha her leaving us and she herself had redha leaving us as well to be with Allah. Allahualam.

I write more of her later. Meanwhile sedekahkan lah Al Fatihah for Arwah Rokiah Mohamed. Wassalam