Something inside me is lonely

It was 5.30 pm. I was alone at home. Mimi is with Kak Chik and Abg Zali in Bentong. My 3 other heroes Acik, Angah and Along are at the padang nearby playing either football or volleyball. Bibik had taken this weekend off and she left in the afternoon. So I was left alone at home.

Had enough of watching the TV. No much program that really interest me. The clock were ticking real slow as if the time is going to stop.

I suddenly felt so lonely inside me. I felt like something really missing and it's very difficult to explain.

Last time when the kids were gone somewhere, I was left alone with someone who will be with me. At least there is someone I could talk to. Or someone who could watch the TV with me. Or someone who could challenge my thinking if there was something that we disagree on. Or someone who just don't do anything but sit beside me. Or someone sleeping upstairs while I'm down there alone watching the TV. Hey there someone.

But now there is no one that cares about me. I mean someone that will be there rain or shine. Someone who advise you if she felt something not going right with you. Or she'll just hang around the children irregardless you are there or not. Now she is no more there to be around.

So after Asar prayers at 6.00pm I decided to take a drive to the resting place of my beloved one, which is less a minute drive from my house. I went alone as no one else is around to go with me.

Not many people were at the graveyard. Only a few people here and there visiting the resting place of their love ones.

After giving my salam to my love one. I just sat there reciting Al Fatiha as much as I can for her.

The sun was kind and nice to me. And so was the wind. The continued breeze gave me some comfort and kept me there for a good 20 minutes.

I think my heart speak up for me at the grave. I don't want to be seen like talking alone at the grave. People might think that I'm going crazy talking alone, especially when there was a family reciting Yassin at the next grave nearby.

Maybe I got to get use to be alone now. Maybe I need to indulge myself with other things so that my mind don't wonders elsewhere. Or maybe I need somebody to talk to. Or is it a phase in my life before I'm getting use to this loneliness. Now I've got to battle it myself. I know I'm strong. I will be strong for my own life and the kids.

Hari Raya 2005

Anyway, while I was writing this blog, this song by Elton John came out and it seems like it just jive with this topic now. Happy reading and happy listening.

YOUR SONG - ELTON JOHN

Its a little bit funny this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money but boy if I did
Id buy a big house where we both could live

If I was a sculptor, but then again, no
Or a man who makes potions in a traveling show
I know its not much but its the best I can do
My gift is my song and this ones for you

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that its done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss
Well a few of the verses well they've got me quite cross
But the suns been quite kind while I wrote this song
Its for people like you that keep it turned on

So excuse me forgetting but these things I do
You see Ive forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes Ive ever seen